Is there anything worse than going for a handshake and having the other person go for the fist bump? You get that awkward moment when you don’t know what to do.

You both wait a moment to see if the other person will change, and since he is waiting for the same thing you are, you both switch to the opposite at the exact same second. It’s like when a call gets disconnected, and you each wait for a call back, then call back and get each other’s voice mail.

We need a standard, or at the very least, some sort of reaction standard when you both get there at the same time. At a four-way stop, the car to your right has the right of way. We need something like that.

When in doubt, go with the latest fad … unless that fad involves a shake into a hug, or shug. Seriously, if you feel the need to hug another man as you shake his hand, you might as well nuzzle his neck and nibble his earlobe. Maybe you needn’t question your lifestyle, but you might want to consider it.

I think we need some sort of greeting flowchart.

Handshakes should only occur in the business environment, and the first time you meet a woman’s father. 

The fist bump is acceptable if you are a professional wrestling tag team, or if you and the other person share a catchphrase that you each say half of and then follow up with the fist bump. 

The shug is never acceptable. NEVER.

My personal feeling is that the high five is the only truly acceptable form of greeting and celebrating accomplishment. It’s easy to identify and pull off. It’s like when a baseball player calls his shot.

If you don’t know how, here is where you start: Just throw your right arm up in the air with a slight angle (think half a diamond) where your hand is almost above your head, and while nodding your head slowly but fiercely, say, “Up Top!”

Everybody knows what you mean, and they know what to do. More importantly, now they know how you roll, and they will respect you for it. 

You can even customize it. I prefer the old-school “Fresh Prince.”

I hate groups of people. Nothing good has ever come from large groups of people. 

Don’t believe me? The Attica Prison riot, Congress, and the popularity of soccer are all direct results of large groups of people.

How about something we as Americans can relate to: shopping. People can’t just wait their turn when a store is having a big sale.

They have to run, like a coked-up Dallas Cowboys linebacker, through the people that have been patiently waiting, all to get a $40 DVD player or a $70 TV set, both of which will lose their value when they break a week later, and you still have community service to do and court costs to pay.

There are scientists working on time travel. TIME TRAVEL! They are spending millions and millions of dollars on time travel. 

You want to travel through time? Take a nap! When you wake up, you are in the future. 

There is such better use for that money! I’m not even talking about the homeless, because maybe society is somewhat to blame, but at some point, they pissed off the last friends that were willing to help them. 

I am talking about ugly strippers! There are women who would barely rate a two or three, and they are still out there giving it all they got to make their trailer payments. We should help them out instead. 

What possible benefit could come from time travel? We can’t go to the past, because all we would do is screw up the future. 

You could send a scientist back to the dawn of man, and for all his good intentions, he would quickly realize that he could be the first man in the universe to get a blowjob. He could train the women to do it and be a hero for all eternity.