I love Food Network. It is probably one of my favorite channels ever. 

It’s also the reason the world hates us. It’s bad enough that the regular shows make each meal two or three times, just to take one bite and throw it away when the cameras are turned off, but the Food Network Challenge show is the worst. 

Most of the world can’t feed itself, yet every week, someone is building a skyscraper out of 500 pounds of Rice Krispies treats, a 30-foot Mickey Mouse out of popcorn, or, most recently, 10-foot-wide and 10-foot-high structures made entirely of fresh fruits and vegetables.

One team’s sculpture was so heavy, they dropped it when they tried to move it to the judging table, so they just threw it in the dumpster — not that that isn’t the same place the winner’s sculptures ended up, too.

How can you feel good about this great creation, knowing that two hours later, it is going to be covered in flies and garbage juice? Maybe they could start having these contests at homeless shelters, or maybe move production to Bangladesh.

Food Network Challenge would be like porn in these places. The crowds would be going crazy the whole time. It would be like the Super Bowl and World Cup every episode.

An old trend is starting up again, or maybe it has never stopped and I just didn’t notice: kids having lemonade stands out on the sidewalks in front of their houses. 

I don’t want to tell people how to raise their kids, but you are doing it wrong. You should just put your kid on the curb with a sign that says “Please kidnap me, creepy guy in the van.” 

Actually, the lemonade stand is better than the sign. I’m pretty certain the next season of To Catch a Predator will feature kids with lemonade stands. 

Anybody that stops at these places should be arrested. Sure, you are just supporting the kids … that’s why you pulled up and left your van idling with the side door open. 

Let’s be honest: Anything made by a seven-year-old is going to be terrible. More importantly, nobody likes crappy, 50-cent lemonade in a Dixie Cup. You can buy a bottle of delicious lemonade at any convenience store for a dollar and not look like a pedo in the process. 

Maybe I am just being too paranoid, but frankly, I think if you don’t have children, you should never be around children. You shouldn’t go to parties for children of friends; you shouldn’t coach kids’ teams; and honestly, if you are in a public restroom and an unsupervised child comes in, you should stop what you are doing and immediately walk backwards out the door with your hands in the air.