I am tired of the media telling me how terrible the economy is when I know for a fact that it is booming. If it weren’t, then I wouldn’t have had to stand in line for half an hour just to get into a store, where I would then have to spend 54 more minutes in line to check out … with a purse … a purse that cost more than the gross domestic product of at least 23 countries.

But these are the things we do when the women around us tell us to do it. I went in with a picture and a note and still got the wrong thing, but at least I was smart enough to pick up some accessories there, so that second mortgage came in extra handy. The company should really change its name to First Class, because at its prices, it definitely isn’t what its name is now.

I caught a fresh glimpse of the back of my head in a security camera again … I dry heaved in the gas station. At this rate, the skin yarmulke I currently have will be a skin ski mask in days. I am now shaving my head every 94 minutes just to keep it from showing.  

The most disturbing part to me is that my front hairline is still intact. It’s just enough to keep lulling me into a false since of security, which makes me hate myself even more when I glimpse the truth.

Since this is my post-Christmas wrap-up article, let me also say this: If you have more than six strings of lights on your house, you are an a—hole. Hang the lights across the front of your house and walk away.

I don’t want to have a seizure driving by your house because you have 200,000 lights and 17 trees, reindeer, and elves all blinking in time to the techno version of “Holly Jolly Christmas.” If I lived next to one of those houses, I’d make up flyers for a rave with your address, plant X on Santa’s sleigh, then call Crime Stoppers.

Here is my tip for the new year: Avoid meeting new people if at all possible. It’s never good. If you are a kid, you probably have enough friends, and if you are an adult, you shouldn’t want more friends. 

My main problem is that you can’t just be introduced to someone. There has to be an addendum thrown in before a mutual friend can introduce you: “Milt is great, but since the divorce he can be a little creepy … that’s just his way.”

I don’t want to meet Milt. Milt sounds like a creepy guy I already know from work whom I try to avoid like the plague. 

It’s even worse if it’s a relative. “Cousin Tom is nice, but I need to warn you, he can be a tad aggressive … .”

First of all, nobody is a tad anything. Just come out and say it: Tom is nice when he is sober, but we won’t be surprised when we see video of him getting Tased on YouTube after some sort of domestic dispute.

Nobody worth meeting needs to have a caveat before the introduction. Saying “I need to warn you” is the equivalent of saying “This person is a douche bag; please smile until he is gone.”