It’s funny what the memory serves up from the gelatinous can of Slime that is your childhood. Once someone has popped the top off that lil green garbage pail of yellowy-green goo, what is it that will come to the surface?

Possibly the obscure memory of a toy that was nothing more than a globby, snot-like substance that no one recalls from the past except you (sorry, Slime)? Or will it be a memory that in a short, intense blast suddenly brings back the magic of your youth in such a profound and honest way that it simply cannot be captured in words?

Well, when I think of the 1980 movie Fame, I am not suddenly aflame with the images of dancers boldly pitching themselves across a lighted stage, or a musical piece that tears at your heart with the wonder of being young and trying to grasp beyond your reach. I do not reflect on the passion of emerging stars using only talent and belief as their guide.

Instead, I immediately think of a fat, black kid, playing his tuba while taking a squat in the bathroom stall. Why? I’m not sure. It is a forgettable and unimportant scene. Just a quirk of memory, I’m sure. I mean, these sorts of odd memories happen more and more as you get on in life.

But maybe – and this is the thought that made me put down my bong – maybe my prolonged relationship with the ganja had affected my ability to access my memory. That could potentially be dangerous. It might even be – and this was the thought that made me pick up my bong, seeking comfort – permanent.

I decided to be a man about this – despite having no experience in that arena – and face down the NEW Fame when it came to my local theater. I would have just watched the old one, but I sold my VCR for some … Dammit, I might really need some help!

So it was me and the movie – the big showdown. This should be easy. I would simply watch the movie, and afterwards, I would ask myself what memory seemed to sum it all up for me. Easier than my sister on dollar-beer night!

What can I say about my experience of watching Fame 2009? It happened. This I am sure of.

The movie spooled away as I watched. However, I had much the same emotional response that Patrick Swayze might have if you screened it for him today. NONE.

The movie is slick-looking and over-produced and is a waste of the considerable cash they spent because the script sounds like it was written by Boo Radley. Or perhaps I am being too harsh. You be the judge.

Get Ready to Be Inspired!!!!!

“She thinks she’s the most talented student in the school.”

“Maybe she is…”

“Okay, you have some talent. Now let’s see what we can do with it.”

“I believe in you. Now all you have to do is believe in you, too.”

“I never knew kids could be so talented!”

“Who ever told you that you were someone special?”

“You did, Mom. You did.”

So I know what you’re asking: What’s the point, K.B.? Why THOSE quotes? They don’t seem to have any special link to one another. What are you asking me to feel here?

I DON’T KNOW!!! After the movie, I felt … nothing. I could not even summon the strength to get angry over the money I spent. The “acting” in this film is sure to inspire feelings ranging from Showgirls-type disbelief to suicide by gunshot.

I actually read an interview with one of the lead actresses where she said this movie will be “the bomb.” OK, (A) Who the hell says that anymore? and (B) I am not sure that she will see the irony in the box-office grosses.

The Fame of old seemed edgy because it was. Sure, we did not have a recognizable name in the movie, but it dealt with race, homosexuality, popularity, sexual awareness, competition, and female exploitation in a high-pressure environment. Its R rating was due to language, sexual suggestion, violence, and nudity. It was a story that NEEDED an R rating.

The new Fame is rated PG for, I’m assuming, “Please, God, make it stop.” You never buy any one story line for a moment. This is a remake that did not cry out to exist.

The fond memories we have of the movie Fame from 1980 largely do not exist, either. What we remember about the first movie is the song “Fame” by Irene Cara – it was catchy. But that’s about it.

Back in the day, it was a “Hey, that was fun; where you guys wanna eat?” sort of movie. It was made to be a fun, profitable romp for the young, and on that level, it worked.

This new version has no teeth. It looks and feels far too safe. All of the young cast of the film will do anything to make it. After being lulled into this movie’s banality, you’ll find you, also, would do anything – if only your body could fight the stupor it is drowning in and get the hell out.

I feel for this cast; I do. You can see them emoting, and it is clear that the movie they think they are in is groundbreaking. They are not old enough yet to recognize soul-crunching.

There are good and bad sides to this poor cast having this film hanging around their professional necks forever:

The Bad News: There are so many worse things that can happen to a person, as this short list of original Fame alumni will show:

1. •Contracting the AIDS virus: Gene Anthony Ray –“Leroy” – died in 2003.
   

2. •Having been a cast member of Cop Rock: Paul McCrane – “Montgomery.”
   

3. •Developing testicular cancer: actor/comedian Richard Belzer, who played himself in the film.
   

4. •Being chased by Nazis: Albert Hague – “Mr. Shorofsky”: – fled to Italy after being activated in the Hitler Youth.
   

5. •Attaining morbid obesity: Lee Curreri – “Bruno” – once a handsome teen idol, Lee has now ballooned up so much that I actually watched a “Where Are They Now?” segment on the cast of Fame just to make sure they had not been consumed by Curreri.
   

The Good News: After appearing in this remake, and living through the fallout I assure you is to follow, none of the above list will look so bad.

As I fired up the ’84 Skylark and began the journey home, I made it a point to take extra enjoyment in the post-film fatty I had rolled earlier that night.