…or, because this title was already used in 1981…

Halloween II, 2

…or for those whiney John Carpenter purists…

Rob Zombie’s Halloween II

…or to be the most honest I can be…

K.B. Tokin’s Rob Zombie’s Halloween II Movie Un-review

Okay, why an “un-review,” you ask? Because for the first time ever, I am submitting a nonreview of this movie.

Again, you may ask why. Didn’t I see the movie? Am I not employed by this fine rag to review said movies? Was I, as some rumors have hinted about me on occasion, far too stoned to remember the details?

In answer, I rebut: of course I saw the movie; I am indeed the cinematic burgomaster of B-films at Red Shtick Magazine; and OF COURSE I WAS STONED! But only a professional like myself can have total recall of every detail of a film, even if I was so high that Christopher Reeve would have been impressed.

But even after watching Rob Zombie’s Halloween II (hereafter known as RZH2), I decided that this is the perfect time for me to address a problem in the mindset of the average moviegoer these days. Most people I know go to a movie these days as a critic instead of a fan.

Whatever happened to the days when people would go to a movie JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT? In my youth, those days existed, especially if you were going to see a HORROR movie.

During the smoky mid-’70s, horror movies served many purposes. There were as many activities going on during a horror movie as there were horror movies to go and see. Some of these activities included:

1. •Watching an unapologetic splatter-fest and reveling in the screaming bloodbath that ensued.
   

2. •Bringing a young lady with you to see the gore-fest and reveling in the discovery that fear also leads to passion. And if this leads to the clumsy fondling of over-stimulated sweater meat, then so much the better.
   

3. •Bringing a young lady with you and moving directly on to the fondling of the aforementioned meat o’ the sweater as previously agreed.
   

4. •Actually enjoying the sad special effects for their originality and daring.
   

5. •Making a baby. How many of you are the result of Sleepaway Camp not holding your parents’ interest?
   

Oh, those were good times. And if you added a little of the reefer into the mix??? And if there was ANY chance of a kung-fu movie to go with the main feature??? My friends, you would have experienced a roundhouse kick to your pleasure zone! And it came with the extra-buttery popcorn, a whopping huge soda, and that mind-fuzzing sort of happy you can only get from watching that hot dog do back flips while singing “Let’s Go Out to the Lobby”!!!

THAT IS HOW YOU WATCH A HORROR MOVIE!!!

Cut to the sad days of now. In the audience are 80% critics, 10% fans, 5% people who wanted to see something with the Brothers Jonas in it, and 5% fans of the now thrice-mentioned sweater meat.

What is the end-of-film result?

The 10% who are fans are pelted with the “insightful” opinions of the critics. In the case of RZH2, there will be the mandatory Rob Zombie hate. “All of his characters sound like hillbillies.” “He does not have the mastery of John Carpenter.” “Why is his damn wife in everything?”

The fans will offer up optimistic reasons why the film has some excellent points. Sadly, they will be torn apart by the critics simply for having the nerve to enjoy a horror film. And worse, if they are young, they may actually CARE what the critics think and feel bad about ENJOYING THEMSELVES.

So, I offer a simple list of things for the critics out there to take into account:

1. •Horror movies, at times, can be art (Psycho), but most of the time, they’re not (Chopper Chicks in Zombietown). They are not, for the most part, intended as high art but as silly reasons to have a good chill and a slight scare. Get off the soapbox, Ebert, and try to have some fun. Remember that stuff?
   

2. •If you look at ANY horror film, you will see that Zombie has a great eye for set and realism. If you cannot look at his films and see the artistic attention to detail and how it clearly works, even if you hate the movie, then you are just nitpicking and bitching. Again, in the dictionary under “F,” you will find “fun.” Give it a read.
   

3. •Also, there is another word under “F” that I enjoy, and if I was enjoying it with Sheri Moon Zombie, she would forever be in every movie I made! Also, she is a great actress. Yeah, I said it. Suck it up.
   

4. •Perhaps you have read what I said and think, “Well, this guy can remember seeing a film in the ’70s … what does he know about TODAY?” Well, that is a good question. But how about if I was born in 1948? John Carpenter was. He directed the original Halloween. And it was awesome. Anything else on that subject?
   

5. •Lastly, hey, take a chance! What is the worst thing that can happen by gearing up for RZH2 with enthusiasm? You’re going to a HORROR movie! People are gonna die! VERY painfully! Holy cow moley, what if you … actually have a good time? How cool would that be? Better than being the best critic to argue with a fan at IHOP, I’m guessing.
   

So, to sum up: RZH2 – I went into the film ready to enjoy, and I had a great time. I had a night of howling wind, mindless murder, boobies, and carnage.