Tokin at the Movies

It’s the End of the World as We Know It ... and Sean Connery Needs to Pay!

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 18:53:18 -0600

After 31 years, R.E.M. called it a day and ended the band. Why? Well, they felt they had done all there is to do and that nothing else needed to be said. Well, that’s their story.
I’m guessing soon we will know the real story of who has cancer or who hates the other. But why do I think they folded the group? My guess is the Mayans.
As most of us know, according to the Mayan calendar, 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world. I’m one of the many who think it may be true. I also think it’s gonna be pretty awesome to trip while watching it take place. Not sure what is gonna kill us all, but to pick a death at random, it’s gonna be pretty hard to scream in fear when the last trumpet sounds and a 700-foot Cesar Romero stomps us all to death if I’m baked when it happens.
This gives us all one last year to make our dreams come true as a world and as a nation … and since I suspect the end of man’s inhumanity to man is going to take quite a bit longer to achieve than that, I say we must use the world of entertainment to realize many of our dreams while we still have time. I don’t wanna die without watching someone slap the sh—t out of Joan Rivers, and if you look deep into your soul, neither do you!
But more than I want to watch Joan spit teeth, I feel we should concentrate on two important goals: (A) making entertainment that goes for broke and truly gives the people what they want; and (B) punishing a man who is regarded as a true “star” in the business of show and helping him redeem himself before he manages to actually love himself so much that he disappears up his own ass: Sean Connery.
Yeah, I said it. He’s the devil.
I am SO TIRED of the praise given to Sean Connery, who has to date managed to play only one role. Before you get all twisted over that statement, consider what YOU KNOW studio execs have said in the past when discussing casting on a film:
• “You know, for that wise older teacher of [martial arts/swordplay/explosives/ history/chess/anything at all] role? I’m thinking Sean Connery would be good!”
• “You know who could pull off the role of that 3,000-year-old [king/immortal/ spy/mercenary/monk/human wrinkle] and STILL bring some believable sex appeal? I’m thinking Sean Connery would be good!”
• “You know that senior citizen character who knocks people out using only the power of his baritone voice and can kill with his eyebrows? I’m thinking Sean Connery, baby!”
Now, things you know were NEVER SAID by a studio exec in a casting meeting:
• “You know that [helpless old man/mentally challenged/cowardly/lonely/ illiterate/mute/young/comic relief/human sacrifice/plucky/impotent] character? GET ME CONNERY!”
• “You know who we can get for scale? I’m thinking…”
• “If ya want a man who’s not gonna make this about his ego…”
In EVERY MOVIE he was ever in, Sean Connery played Sean Connery! FACT! There was never to be any growing, challenge, or surprise on a Connery set. No, sir!
Now the world is ending, Connery is 81 and he’s retired … well, I say BULLSH—T! Somebody go to the Bahamas, knock the cane from under him, put him on a plane, and explain to him that he’s gonna EARN all that money he got off of our movie dollars and stretch as an actor even if it kills his ancient ass!
Time to polish up that noggin, get back on the clock, and shtart shtruggling to shay the letter “S” again! Wake up, Mr. Connery, because this world is NOT ending before you make ONE film that is not exactly like every other film you have made in the past! It’s time to either live up to that damn Oscar for once in your life, dig deep inside yourself to find your inner Keyser Söze, and emote in an interesting way before you die OR … you spend the rest of your life as Roger Moore’s butler and have the title of “Sir” replaced with “Mrs.”
OR … you do have a third choice, Sean. Star in one of the following vehicles to repent for your past career of not acting:
Win Ben Stein’s Personality: How many obnoxious people on the air can our nation take before we all hold hands and set ourselves aflame? Here is my solution to The Situation (and many other vapid people in our world of celebrity).
We take 10 of the most irritating people on TV and offer a prize of $10 million to the one who irks us so much that we take his brain out and replace it with Ben Stein’s. The show’s host is none other than Sean Connery, who will have the task of playing himself yet again … but this time, he has to come off as approachable and friendly! A stretch if ever there were one!
• BONUS: After each commercial break, Connery welcomes the audience back by punching Joan Rivers in the face!
• SPOILER: For best results in ratings, the winner of the show should be ALL 10 CONTESTANTS. Each will win in a tie and get $1 million and one-tenth of Stein’s brain — ridding us of all 10 of them … and Ben Stein.
Anything written by John Waters! Including a remake of Pink Flamingos with Connery replacing Divine. Bon appétit! The special feature on the DVD will show Connery hitting Joan Rivers in the face for no reason at all.
Since Connery refuses to die in actual life, he will be forced into filming a prequel of Highlander with the other man who takes the “old, tough, and sexy but not really” parts when he is busy: Sir Anthony Hopkins. Hopkins will teach Connery’s young (HAH!) Ramirez character how to sword fight, and we’ll watch as Connery must defeat an evil Spanish witch (played by Joan Rivers) using only his speech impediment and a punch in the face. But the real climax of the film will be at the end when Connery and Hopkins throw down in an ego-off. If my estimation is correct, this will end much like the standoff in Scanners!
Do just one of these, Sean, and you can spend the remainder of the year back in the Bahamas, sunning yourself and loving yourself to pieces as you are prone to do. Perhaps, if your determination to improve yourself is successful, your efforts may even stay the hand of God and mankind may live another generation, and it will fall to another thespian to save those to come after you. Perhaps an actor who is equally unwilling or unable to expand himself as you had been in the past. Perhaps an actor in the D’s who can represent undeserved celebrity as well as you served those in the C category.
Just a quick look at the D list … Let’s see … Timothy Dalton: ironic, but no; Ted Danson: it’s a nightmare just to be him, so no; Tony Danza … Danza …
Sir Sean, I take back everything I said! Live long and prosper!
NOW, LOOK HERE, DANZA!!! …

“My God, It’s Full of Stars!”

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 14:48:41 -0600

My fellow movie fans … ooh, man, am I feeling mellow tonight. I’ll say right up front there is a high possibility of disaster regarding this month’s movie review. I’m sure this is due to my current state of mind, but I somehow feel excited about the possibilities … even the possibility of failure. I’m not sure what it is about a microwave burrito and a fatty that make me not give a squirrel’s scrotum if my editor screams for my blood when I f—k up an assignment, but I must admit, I enjoy the sensation.
So, what are we reviewing today, you might ask with the presumption I care. Well, I’m not telling! Why? Because today I thought we would try out a little exercise regarding the state of film in America and ask ourselves an important question: Is Hollywood star power as powerful as it once was?
You see, I was asked to review a star-studded film this week, mere hours after I had coincidentally watched an older film that also contained an array of A-list stars all in one film. And I asked myself (cuz when I get baked, I hold conversations alone) if we had the quality of stars today that we did many years ago. It was then that I devised an exercise in star comparison that I hope will entertain you, and fill valuable magazine space so my editor will still pay me.
The steps to the exercise are simple:

1. I will describe the storyline to a movie, not saying if it is the old one or the new one.
2. Instead of naming the actor, I will instead describe a character in another film he is best known for (in italics) so you will have some appreciation of the actor’s talent. I will assign a number to each character and reveal who the actor is at the end of the article.
3. You will then decide which movie sounds better.

An example of what I might write: A young, Polish laborer who will one day lead a powerful crime family and be gunned down in front of his son (1) meets his wife’s sister and eventually rapes her. Obviously, this is the description of A Streetcar Named Desire and the actor, who also portrayed Don Vito Corleone (1) in The Godfather, is Marlon Brando.
Ready? Either way, here we go.

Movie #1, from the director who brought you The Last Boy Scout and the writer who revitalized John Travolta after those horrid talking-baby movies: In this film, a young comic book fan who tried to blow up his high school (1) meets a call girl with the wounds of Christ (2) and they fall in love, much to the anger of her pimp, who sang for a famous punk band (3).
Seeking to kill the pimp, the comic fan seeks advice from a dying gunslinger (4), which results in the death of the comic fan’s father, a former bus bomber (5). With the pimp and a high-level Jedi knight (6) now dead, a mobster with no head who rides horseback (7) wants revenge on the comic fan and employs the help of a stoner Nazi hunter (8) and a gay hit man (9).
The comic fan and the call girl team up with an adventure writer from the old west (10), Charlie Sheen’s housekeeper (11), and a sheepherder (12), are rescued by a man who took dance lessons from Kevin Bacon (13) and a WWII veteran (14), and eventually live out their lives happily in a tropical paradise. The End.

Movie #2, from the director who gave you Rosie O’Donnell’s tour de force Exit to Eden and the writer who brought you Xena: Warrior Princess: It’s New Year’s Eve! Huzzah! What a weird and wacky holiday! Lives will change and love will be lost and found! People will make enemies and friends! All wrapped up with a giddy holiday bow!
It should be noted that it is impossible to “review” this movie in a traditional sense, as this film is mostly sort of “Aaaaawwww, New Year’s is magical” in theme and there is no meat to hang a story on. It is mostly a series of cute run-ins and short comedic bits strung together in the hopes that the “spirit of the season” will provide all the story one would normally expect. This may sound unusual, but this style of filmmaking that uses popular celebrity appearances to fuel an excuse to have a film has been around since It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in 1963.
Where to start? Well, perhaps we should start with the actor who now has the most heat on him and is boring us as Mr. Walden (1) when all we want is Mr. Charlie. Mr. Walden is finding a new love this New Year, but along the way he also has to share the screen with a man playing a douche bag (2).
Sound like an odd mix? It is, but I assure you, the list of odd casting just keeps going!
We have one actress who once famously went amuck, amuck, amuck (3) as a protective mother! And there’s some holiday acting of a gal who was almost the victim of a massacre in Texas (4)! What is her part? Like many others, the sexy lesbian parole officer (5), for instance, it honestly does not matter.
See, there are many thespians who you almost feel sorry for in this picture, like the once proud leader of an alien race from another dimension (6). Then there are those talentless “celebrities” for whom you feel this film is vital to them having a living, like the kid who broke out into song in high school all the time (7). Worst off are those who can get AND CAN DO better work, like that chick who wishes she had NEVER sang in high school (8).
I know it sounds ludicrous (9) that some of these people would take their time to slum in a film not worth their time, but believe me, it’s true, boys and girls (10). It almost seems some of these folks made a deal with Satan (11) to keep their careers in exchange for the deep humiliation (12) they will endure for taking part in this.
This film is certainly not a challenge for any star who wants to expose (13) any new talents we have not seen before (14), which is especially sad for those actors who truly have something worthwhile to expose (15). Many of those in the film have had challenging (16) roles before the public: making love to the Green Hornet (17), for instance, or playing fourth bill to a talking car (18), or admitting she worked with Tyler Perry (19).
But this cast stuck together and tried to create a cinematic impossibility: making a new “classic holiday film” using some of the worst material available (20). I feel their pain. And if you see this film, I feel your pain, too!

And now I suggest you take a moment or two to decide which film sounds better.
For maximum enjoyment, I recommend going to YouTube and watching this: http://tinyurl.com/6nua7em. I assure you the band Nephew is ultracool, and this video will make you cool, too.

Aaaaand we’re back. So which one sounds better???
My PERSONAL opinion?
Movie #1: I happen to be a HUGE fan of the first film, which is called True Romance and came out in 1993. This film was touted with a list of celebrities thicker than the phone book. It was merely cast as well as anyone can hope for and acted by some of the greatest talent ever assembled in Hollywood. Top-notch acting, first-class directing, and writing that is letter perfect. This film’s director, Tony Scott, and writer Quentin Tarantino are what cinema is about at its best. Also, it’s cool to get stoned to!
Movie #2: This New Year’s movie is called New Year’s Eve (released directly after Thanksgiving??? I sense cold feet at the studios!). Long story short: All the cool stuff about Movie #1 does not apply here. At all. Not even a little. It sucks.
I hate director Garry Marshall and writer Katherine Fugate. They deserve to live in a world without love — or funding to work in Hollywood anymore.
Well, I got another burrito calling my name, and I’m gonna go. As promised, below are the names of the numbered actors and film references I used above. All of that numbering was a time-consuming pain in the ass, but I love you!
Movie #1: (1) Christian Slater, Heathers; (2) Patricia Arquette, Stigmata; (3) Gary Oldman, Sid and Nancy; (4) Val Kilmer, Tombstone; (5) Dennis Hopper, Speed; (6) Samuel L. Jackson, Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace; (7) Christopher Walken, Sleepy Hollow; (8) Brad Pitt, Inglourious Basterds; (9) James Gandolfini, The Mexican; (10) Saul Rubinek, Unforgiven; (11) Conchata Ferrell, TV’s Two and a Half Men; (12) Bronson Pinchot, TV’s Perfect Strangers; (13) Chris Penn, Footloose; (14) Tom Sizemore, Saving Private Ryan.
Movie #2: (1) Ashton Kutcher, TV’s Two and a Half Men; (2) Ryan Seacrest, accurately playing himself; (3) Sarah Jessica Parker, Hocus Pocus; (4) Jessica Biel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; (5) Carla Gugino, Sin City; (6) John Lithgow, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; (7) Zac Efron, High School Musical; (8) Michelle Pfeiffer, Grease 2; (9) Ludacris, not just his stage name but his life description — real name Chris Bridges; (10) Hilary Swank, Boys Don’t Cry, and no, I don’t apologize; (11) Robert De Niro, Angel Heart; (12) John Stamos, playing himself, and they SHOULD be humiliated; (13) Halle Berry, Swordfish — she provided the best two reasons to see it; (14) Yeardley Smith, TV’s The Simpsons — seriously, CAN she do anything else?; (15) Alyssa Milano, Embrace of the Vampire, and yes, she did have things we had not seen before, but she should now be canonized; (16) Jon Bon Jovi, an accurate description of him as a totality; (17) Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up; (18) Josh Duhamel, Transformers; (19) Sofia Vergara, Madea Goes to Jail; (20) Seth Meyers, TV’s Saturday Night Live … please go away, sir.

Please, Please, Please Forgive Me, Kenny Rogers!!!

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 19:29:11 -0500

To my humble readers,
This is one of the most difficult things I have ever written. Mostly because I have been stone sober for three days in preparation. (See the binge I went on to prepare for the sobriety this article would require in “Tokin at the Movies” in the October issue.) But I wanted to be clearheaded as I write what is a first for me: a retraction.
In September, I wrote an article I was particularly proud of. It was my review of the film (a loose term) Apollo 18.
Apollo 18 is, to say the least, a horrid, insipid piece of celluloid that manages to insult your intelligence and makes you question the existence of a loving God. It is the Snooki of motion pictures.
I trashed Apollo 18 as any person with an ounce of Christian blood inside him must. Trashing Apollo 18 was not just a joy (and it was!) but also my duty to mankind. And for those tens of fives of people who keep up with my work, I say, “No! You’re welcome. There’s no need for a thank you.”
I attacked the writing, the direction, the concept, and the total execution of Apollo 18 in my review, and that is why I am now on my proverbial knees beseeching the forgiveness of … Kenny Rogers.
I have noticed that I can be easily distracted while I’m writing, and sometimes, some of my mental commentary looses itself from my psyche and slides into my articles. Such was the case when I wrote September’s article. I do not know why the desire to trash the 1982 comedy (ahem!) Six Pack reared its ugly head during my Apollo 18 review, but it did.
But then a horrid thing happened … I received an angry email from a reader who took me to task — and rightly so! — over a mistake I made describing the cast of Six Pack.
As you can imagine, I was wracked with guilt. As any fool can tell you, 1982 is just a quick look over the shoulder, and with the worldwide impact I think I can safely say Six Pack had on us all, well … I am surprised there were not cowboys boot-scootin’ down my street fer a lynchin’.
My mistake, unforgivable as it is, was that in my mind I remembered Diane Lane (who is indeed in the movie) as the love interest of Kenny Rogers. (A highly coveted part, I imagine. Rumor is Farrah Fawcett never got over not getting the role, which is why it’s a rumor and not the truth.)
Anyway, I was wrong. The love interest to Rogers was played by the lovely Erin Gray, who was heard to proclaim, “Yeah, sure! I’ll do anything for money!” Ms. Lane, however, was only a teenager when she did Six Pack — I imagine it made her grow up quick — but she was too young to play Mr. Rogers’ love interest, as Mr. Rogers had an AARP card even way back then.
Now, I could just say I’m sorry and say I’ll try to be bit more accurate in the future (I might, too!), but would that TRULY be justice? No. That is why I am going to show you all the actual email I received so you will understand the gravity of the mistake I made. Particularly when I said Six Pack delighted dumb hillbillies the world over.
I have changed the name of the person and a few specific details to protect the identity of the writer — like the Lone Ranger, she left before I could say thanks — but I think the email clearly showcases the thoughts many of our readers must have had upon reading my review. I hope you enjoy it:

In your story about Apollo 18 …
In your explanation of the movie Six Pack, you said that Diane Lane was the love interest of Kenny Rogers. I don’t know if that was supposed to be serious or not, because sometimes I can’t always tell in your writings, but she was not his love interest.
She was a teenager. The Kenny Rogers character had a love interest in that older woman, whose name I can’t remember. Diane Lane helped them get together, and the lady became a mother figure to them.
Six Pack was one of my favorite movies in my ’tween years back in the day. It was a delightful, charming, family friendly movie. I am not a dumb hillbilly at all.
Thank you,
Ima Payne
Big Deal Teacher de Français
Baton Rouge, LA

As you might have guessed, I was so shocked when I read this, I almost cared. I almost cared so much that I almost sent her this:

Ms. Payne,
Thank you for your observations about my article on Apollo 18.
First off, I am always pleased to have corrections sent to me regarding movies I may have inadvertently given a wrong detail about. To have you be so helpful was just such a treat.
Being a teacher, you would not believe the number of people who might do something crazy like take a simple article like mine and actually take it seriously! This leads to some odd behavior on the part of the reader, like slyly trying to “correct” a fact while using a subtext of superiority. Weird, huh?
I especially feel bad getting such an important detail wrong about a great American movie like Six Pack. In the trailer I lived in, I barely saw my parents and was practically raised by my T.V., which only got two channels. On one channel, it seemed they played Six Pack almost daily, which is a real joy for any child, as you can imagine. The other channel only seemed to have that French guy who dressed as a bee. But, hey — who am I telling, right??
But gosh darn it! Even with the enormous number of times I watched Mr. Rogers give me hope that one day I, too, could be a professional race car driver, I still forgot that it was Erin Gray who played his love interest. What an odd coincidence that we BOTH forgot who she was! LOL! I mean, it’s not like the detail is unimportant!
Still, you were willing to go that extra mile and complain anyway. So I intend to print a retraction to my statements because when a mistake of this magnitude happens, attention must be paid.
Thank you for this thing!
K.B. Tokin

But in the end, I did not send it. Why? I’m not sure. Obviously, when I looked at myself in the mirror and asked that man if he’d make a change (I’m sorry for that joke already), that man said “Yes!” Or, in Ms. Payne’s case, “OUI!”
Mostly I blame my ex-personal secretary, Ms. Jilinski. Out of all of the personal secretaries I have imagined I’ve had, Ms. Jilinski was my favorite. But after proudly showing her my article, she said, “The guy in the bee costume spoke SPANISH.” Well, clearly, she had to go.
So I spent a lot of time taking some hits and finally managed to hallucinate a secretary I like even more, and it’s going great. If things keep on this way, I plan to work with Mr. Jinx the Kissy Hamster for a long time.
But mainly, I think I did not send the email because I was, and remain, confused by some of Ms. Payne’s observations:
She could not tell if I was serious in my writings sometimes. Well, I can see how that would be if I were reading a comedy magazine. More and more, I wonder if all the jokes are getting in the way of the true vision this magazine was founded on. I’m gonna pray on this.
Also, I was unsure if I would be writing to a person who might be violent or angry. Calling Erin Gray a “mother figure” was harsh, no?
What, you don’t agree with me? Man, screw ALL you mother figures!
See? Kind of hurt, didn’t it?
Also, Ms. Payne had a point. It WAS a delightful, charming, family friendly movie. After all, the movie contains:

• Hoodlum children who strip cars for the local sheriff. Theft is always so funny and a great role model for kids.
• A child holding up a cop with a gun so Kenny Rogers could escape and assault us all with “Islands in the Stream” many years later.
• A child named Swifty who cusses throughout the entire movie. What mom and dad would not find that friendly? I’ll tell ya who. My grandpa, rest his soul, watched this family friendly film with the kids in my brood and went so apoplectic he actually remembered he had been famed airline hijacker D.B. Cooper 45 minutes into the film.
• Casual sex with Rogers and Gray. Hey, kids — this is just a bastion of moral fun. At least they did not film THAT, too.
• Rogers’ nickname is “Brew” in the film. It may be true his name was Brewster, but I think we see what it was referring to. I guess we should thank God it was not written today, as he would have been called The Brew-ster or Brew-meister!

Moving on, Ms. Payne feels the need to tell me she is “not a dumb hillbilly at all.” Well, I am ready to believe her. After all, my article did not say “Six Pack came out in 1982 and was immediately embraced by that sod-stompin’, hog rasslin’, Hee Haw-taping Ima Payne.”
It was a joke.
We do those here.
So … um … sorry and stuff.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 18:45:01 -0500

Greetings from the staff here at Red Shtick Magazine. We are so pleased that you have decided once again to spend some time reading “Tokin at the Movies” by K.B. Tokin.
We regret that there have been some … difficulties getting Tokin’s article this month. After taking in The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), he appeared on the steps of his mother’s home, apparently deeply ill.
“Well, he just looked so pale, is all!” said Mama Tokin, whom we reached by phone. “No telling how long he was just standing on the steps outside. He didn’t knock or nothing! Could have been hours.
“He seemed so sleepy, and he was having trouble with his words. He’s still in bed, and I can’t make him get up.”
While this is the exact experience most of our staff have with K.B. in person, we were nonetheless worried about him.
As the conversation moved on, an unusual event took place — even by his standards. In trying to assure us that K.B. would be much better in a few days, we could hear an indecipherable voice in the background, whom Mama Tokin addressed as “Baby” in soothing tones. Clearly, she was speaking to K.B.
It was then that we somehow convinced Mama Tokin to relay K.B.’s feelings about the movie to us over the phone. What follows is the “review” as best we could manage it.
We would like to say we are sorry again to Mama Tokin, who has told us to never call her again.
The review is in the form of our staff asking a question, K.B.’s mom relaying the question, K.B. answering in grunts and slurs, and Mama Tokin giving us the answer. To save space, we have edited out K.B.’s babble. Here it is, for what it’s worth!

RSM: First off, Miss Tokin…
Mama Tokin: Mizz Tokin…
RSM: Sorry, Mrs. Tokin. Now, we are doing a review today of The Human Centipede 2.
MT: The what now?
RSM: Just take our word for it. Now, did K.B. enjoy the movie?
MT: Did you enjoy your story you saw, Baby? Oh dear … (The phone is set down.) It’s OK, Baby! Cough it up! ... There ya go, cough it up, Baby! It’s OK, it’s OK. Just use the wash towel. (The phone is picked up.) You know, I don’t think he did like it. He wasn’t vomiting before.

As you can tell, this was an ordeal. It took quite a long while. So we are just going to give you the highlights according to Mama Tokin.

RSM: Human Centipede 2 is about an unhinged nighttime parking lot attendant who is obsessed with the film The Human Centipede and watches it all night in his little booth. The Human Centipede is about a deranged doctor who tried to make a centipede using three people by surgically attaching them ass to mouth.
MT: Excuse me???!! By DOING WHAT, young man??!!
RSM: Martin, the man attending the parking lot, is inspired by the violence he sees, and much like Martin Luther King Jr., he has a dream — of building an even larger human centipede with 12 people!
MT: You didn’t tell me you were writing some kind of porny thing, boy!

The rest will be Mama Tokin relaying K.B.’s answers in her own rambling fashion.

“OK, so the parking lot guy wants to build this people thing — WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, BOY — and he starts to collect people to sew up together and what not, and — HE LOOKS LIKE WHAT? — and he sort of looks like that old Peter Lorre guy only not as handsome — WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BOY? — and he is a … (ahem) … I’m being told he has a … sexual disorder.
“DON’T TELL ME NOT TO WHISPER! — He likes to — ARE YOU KIDDING?! YOU BETTER BE GETTING PAID FOR THIS, BOY! — Seriously, you better be paying him for this. Anyway, the Martin man likes to take sandpaper and use it to … to touch … (sigh) … touch his ‘whatsit.’
“Oh, Jesus, what sort of movie is this? A man hurting his own thingy?! — ART, MY PATOOTIE! ART DON’T HAVE NO THINGIES! … STOP LAUGHING! … I CAN, TOO! FINE! PEEEEENIS! NOW, I SAID IT! IT’S GONNA BE YOU AND ME WHEN I GET OFF THIS PHONE!
“I’m sorry, he uses sandpaper on … well, you know, and that is how he … you know. Finds pleasure. — OOH, IF YOUR FATHER WERE STILL ALIVE! … WHAT’S THAT?! — Could you hold, please?”
Through the phone, we hear stomping. SLAP! “Damn, Ma!” SLAP! “I mean, sorry! I just reall … shugjte … gabale smhmigge kjbsdd …”
“That’s OK, Baby. Sleep.”

MT: OK, I’m back, but I’m not talking about thingies anymore! Now, I don’t know how I can help you anymore. K.B.’s asleep, and I don’t watch movies with bottoms and mouths … or … or … well, those types of stuff.
RSM: Like thingies?
MT: Well, yes, like thingies. DAMMIT, YOU MADE ME SAY IT AGAIN! What sort of people are you that my boy has to write such bad things? I never raised him to like the bad movies! Aw, why can’t things be like they were when he was young? I used to buy him those family tapes that make people laugh and all. There was a wonderful little movie he used to like called Six Pack…
RSM: Mrs. Tokin? Did K.B. mention how the film ended at all?
MT: Well, you just heard him fall out over here. He’s such a sickly boy. Poor thing. He has to take all these pills and things so he can feel better. Sometimes he forgets, I guess, or doesn’t take enough maybe.
RSM: That sounds so … sad. Let’s just hope he has more pills for when he wakes up.
MT: Oh, he’ll be fine. Got a whole mess of them here in a bowl so he can take him all he needs.
RSM: Well, sounds like he’s in good hands then. So, would you say from his attitude that he would not recommend The Human Centipede 2 to our audience?
MT: I should say NOT. Why would he want anyone to see a film that’s so dirty? I know my boy, and he would never want people to want to see a movie with violence, and killing, and sick doctors, and …
RSM: And thingies?
MT: Yes, and thingies. YOU DID IT TO ME AGAIN! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Well, as you can imagine, things pretty much wound up on that note. This has not been much of an in-depth review, but … well, it’s here.
Until next time, when K.B. is back, take care of your thingies!

Apollo 18 or When Bad Ideas Make an Even Badder1 Movie!

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 15:46:39 -0500

Some Important Points to Consider Before Watching This Film:
1. If you, for whatever reason, hate yourself, there is a limit. I implore you to consider suicide. Do not take the easy way out and watch this film.
2. Spiritually, it is indeed worth asking yourself how many roads a man must walk down before he can call himself a man. However, no matter how many roads a man must walk down, if that road leads to the cinema that will allow him to watch this film, it is best if a car runs him over before he gets there.
3. While I accept that there are many different religious beliefs in this world, I say to you that any man who does not believe in the existence of evil has clearly not seen this film.
4. In 1982, famed country music star Kenny Rogers captured the hearts of dumb hillbillies in the family film Six Pack. It had lovable children who became the pit crew for his racecar. His character became their new stepdad and the love interest of Diane Lane. If I had to watch Apollo 18 again, I would gladly gouge out my own eyes. I have NO idea what that film has to do with Apollo 18. It’s just I can’t believe someone made that f—king movie, even in 1982.

Dear Readers,
As I write this, I am struggling to maintain some sort of composure. After watching the “film” Apollo 18, I find my mind wandering, and I feel lost, much the way my uncle with the plate in his head felt when he was too near the microwave.
When I go to a film, like you, I want to enjoy myself. I want to slip into a world I have never been in and live the story with the characters. OK, maybe I sometimes use some herbal enhancement to get myself going, but in the end, I just really love the experience of seeing a film. UNLESS…
Unless what? What am I trying to say here? This experience is so very different from any other I have ever experienced that I find myself floundering for the right words.
OK! I think I’ve got it! You know those old films from Germany that were made to endorse the Nazi party? Remember how, when you first saw one, your skin would crawl and you could actually FEEL the evil? Well, this film…
No. That’s not quite right.
WAIT! OK, you know that acidic feeling in your stomach that comes with watching a film so hopelessly bad that the producers should have been stoned in the street? And I mean the REALLY horrid ones! Not Showgirls bad but more Meet the Spartans bad? The sort of film that NO ONE involved in the movie thought was going to be anything other than a suck fest. Well, that’s the kind…
DAMMIT! No, that’s not quite right…
OK, wait. I’ve got it. For sure this time.
This film was made by people who came up with a concept so original in its horror that it has never been done before: The makers of this film absolutely had to have gotten together and decided they wanted to make a film so insipid that it would actually break the spirit of anyone unfortunate enough to view it.
It is like watching the tape in The Ring, only all the damage is inside, affecting mostly your soul and intelligence.
Before I even tell you what the film is about, I should mention that, if you were to do a little background work, you would see many red flags regarding this film. It’s all there if you know where to look.
First off, the director of this film is one Gonzalo López-Gallego from Madrid. This is his first American film. He started off as a film editor on a short film called No Se Preocupe.
Now, I do not speak … um … Madridian or whatever, but I don’t see how being involved in a movie called (I assume) No Said the Porcupine made him the right man for this job.
Also, the main writer on this movie has very little experience in the movie industry, and the BEST thing on his list is something called Christmas at Cadillac Jack’s … and he didn’t write it. But that is not what’s bugging me the most right now.
Why on earth would anyone believe Diane Lane would fall for Kenny Rogers? Even in 1982, I have to imagine people called bullsh—t on Six Pack! Look, I get that Rogers was an A-list star at the time and knew when to hold ’em and fold ’em and all that, but Diane Lane was (and still is) one of the most desired women in Hollywood. Certainly even then she knew when to walk away and knew when to run!
I’m sorry. I digress. It’s the aftershock of Apollo 18. And you should be aware, before you jump in your Monkeemobile2 and head off to watch this atrocity to the eyes of the Lord, that if you do decide to catch this film, then you DESERVE everything that happens to you as a result. After all, if you have read this article first, then you have been warned. May God have mercy on your soul.
The most alarming thing about this film is that if you go, RIGHT NOW, to The Internet Movie Database and look up the cast of Apollo 18, you will find: NO ONE!
That’s right. They are sticking with the marketing idea behind the story of the movie, which is that, as this story is a “documentary,” then there is no cast. I suppose that we are to ignore that, if they had done a documentary on, say, Dr. Alfred P. Southwick3, then I would find not only Southwick but his wife, kids, etc., in the cast listing of the film.
It is my suspicion that the cast members either (a) have been held back from the public in a weak attempt to garner interest in the film, (b) have a desire to have plausible deniability if anyone asks if they were in this movie, or (c) are in the witness protection program — and best of luck to them!
Aaaaaaaaaand now, ladies and germs, for THE PLOT of the soon-to-be-internationally-loathed Apollo 18!
IN 1974, THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE SENT A TWO-MAN CREW ON A SECRET MISSION TO THE MOON. THE MISSION WAS ABANDONED AND THE VESSEL MYSTERIOUSLY NEVER RETURNED. THE D.O.D. HAS DENIED THE MISSION TOOK PLACE. HOWEVER, WE NOW HAVE THE FOOTAGE OF THAT MISSION. AND IT’S SCAAAAAAARY!
I’m going to give you a moment. I know I needed one after I read the plot line for the film. Let me field some of the questions I will assume you are asking. The answers are:
1. Yes. Really.
2. No. It’s not really worth joking about.
3. I hear ya. But I’m not “sh—tting you.” I swear.
4. Yeah. Apparently they do think we are that stupid.

So 1974, they launched a Saturn V, the second-loudest man-made sound in the world (180 decibels), and NO ONE NOTICED???? The only man-made sound louder than this was the H-bomb (200db)!! The mind boggles, does it not?
Still, Apollo 18, in its own way, will be a greater “bomb” in many ways, and I predict that many people will not notice this piece of garbage, either. I could be wrong in my prediction; after all, I am not Criswell4!
Since this film relies on the secrecy of its “story line” (he said without vomiting!), I will not be giving out any spoilers — unless you consider “This film sucks,” “Please do not see this film,” and “Oh! The agony!” spoilers. All I can say is it happens in space, in which, contrary to what you have heard, people CAN hear you scream.
Now, to lend authenticity to the film, there is some ACTUAL film footage used to shore up the phony-baloney script. While there is no cast list, I have used my many, many contacts to find the identity of one person used in the real-life footage. I would now like to hold him out for special consideration. I have not seen much of the work this “John Fitzgerald Kennedy” has done, but he was simply mind-blowing5 in the role of the president.
Also, I would like to thank Anthony Michael Hall for not letting his small role in Six Pack6 crush his drive to be an actor, thus preventing us from enjoying “Farmer Ted” in Sixteen Candles.
Sorry, again. It just had to be said.
But the most important thing I can tell you is that a foreign man sitting behind me, whom I believe speaks Madridian, said Apollo 18 was “El sucko.” Again, I don’t speak his tongue, but I believe that means “the sucko.”
In closing, go do ANYTHING ELSE other than see this film. I know that sounds harsh. Anyway, it does if I designed it right. Until next time, farewell7.

1 This film was SO bad, I refuse to worry about grammar.
2 I broke last month’s promise to readers with this sentence. Somehow, I don’t feel bad about it.
3 Inventor of the electric chair. You will pray for its sweet release during this film.
4 However, I could do worse. Besides his wildly inaccurate predictions and bad acting in a slew of Edward D. Wood movies, Jeron “The Amazing Criswell” Konig did accurately predict that John F. Kennedy (“star” of Apollo 18) would not run for re-election as president of the United States, which is one more correct prediction than I have ever made.
5 I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.
6 Which is STILL a better movie than Apollo 18.
7 My apologies to our editor and paginator. My obsessions with both the footnotes (!) and The Monkees are wildly out of control. Please don’t hurt me. I have a son.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 09:04:36 -0500

Like me, I’m sure that when most of you heard about this movie, you said to yourself, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes? It’s a bit soon to start making movies about the Tea Party movement, isn’t it?”
It was, of course, with some great relief that I discovered this film had nothing to do with the conservative movement but was a morality tale using the thought process of primates as its premise. So, while the argument can be made that Michele Bachmann’s habits may have been studied, it is clear that this is just a good, old-fashioned popcorn movie.
Now, I’m sure some of you are asking yourself if this is a continuation of the Planet of the Apes films made so long ago with Roddy McDowall, and the answer is “sort of.” The conceit of the story is much the same, but this is a rebooting of the series using technology not available so long ago.
This is not the same Hollywood that needed to use prosthetic makeup to make its actors look like apes. Sure, way back in the golden days of film, that approach may have seemed all the rage and very advanced. But who can even remember what life was really like in the dark year of 2001 when Tim Burton first tried to communicate the connection between man and primate to the masses? Admittedly, Burton did not set his sights too high, as the primates were trying to connect with Mark Wahlberg, but this was some pretty advanced science for such a primitive world as we lived in at that time.
Imagine what it must have been like for our even OLDER ancestors who lived during the Old Testament when the FIRST Planet of the Apes film was made. It was a time when, for the right money, you could still get a biblical prophet to star in your film, which is how they got Moses to star in the first one. At the time, Moses was using the stage name Charlton Heston, and it was he who fought against this “new” planet ruled by apes armed with rifles who enslaved humans.
“Hey! I should get some guns and rise up against these chimps!” Heston said to himself. “If only I could organize a large group to promote the use of guns to the point of ridiculousness.” I’m not sure how that worked out for him, but I’m sure he did fine.
Still, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Just like in the faraway time of Heston, man still retains many of the same frailties. Like many men today, after much time, Heston began to show signs of what scientists now call “old,” and it was not all that long before he came down with a serious case of “death.” Like today, in that time death was the No. 1 killer, and after Heston’s passing, it was feared that the Apes films might be a thing of the past, too.
As mentioned, Tim Burton attempted to bring the apes back into the public’s awareness, but critics and audiences alike resisted his attempts. Burton’s Planet of the Apes had a certain air of “Helena Bonham Carter-ness” that seemed to repel the viewer. This is believed to be the result of Burton falling prey to a condition called “keeping that bitch quiet” from which he has yet to fully recover.
Then, not too long ago, the subject of monkey relations came into the forefront in a way that had not gripped the public since Peter Gabriel encouraged us to “shock” one.
As the nation watched, breathless, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a lady who had been attacked by a chimp. Far from having any sort of banana shenanigans or tomfoolery chasing around a tree, the chimp TORE OFF THE WOMAN’S FACE, turning her into a haggis with eyes. The chimp was taken away, and it was bedtime for Bonzo.
And I believe that very incident lies behind the movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes. This film is nothing but a study of social power and racism, using monkeys to fuel the plot. What rights do monkeys have? Are they so different from us? Do we have the right to cage them?
For a moment, let’s forget that the answers to those questions are “none,” “yes,” and “yes.”
What is important to remember about Haggis Woman’s experience is that the chimp had suddenly changed in the eyes of the nation from a Curious George — a lovable, little scamp — into what a chimp really is: an animal that is as unpredictable and aggressive as humans in any given situation.
Now, what if they had advanced intellect? What if they were capable of thinking and problem solving on the level of most humans? What would they do in their caged environment? Would they want freedom? Would they plot against us?
In this new film, those questions are addressed. James Franco plays a scientist who has developed what is being called a cure for brain damage. The chemical he introduces actually lets the brain mend itself and will end all health issues regarding the brain forever … but only once it is tested — on a chimp, of course.
But it’s just ONE CHIMP, right? What could possibly happen? Well, first off, it was probably a bad idea to name the chimp Caesar. Who would expect such an animal to become a behavior problem for its captors?
As you might imagine, the chimp is given the drug and catches up with human reasoning in a time frame that is frightening. As the title implies, Caesar does indeed rise up against mankind … but only after infecting all of the other chimps in his primate facility with the same drug.
The infecting of the monkeys is where I start getting odd vibes from the film. This is not like the ’60s when the nation was infected by The Monkees, though Caesar and Davey Jones are equally cute.* We are talking here about a slight parallel with an old rumor:
The film takes place in San Francisco. It’s about monkeys. Monkeys are from Africa. Infection of the monkeys occurs.
This is a very short leap to the “AIDS came from people screwing monkeys in Africa” theory.** I protest. But not too loudly, as I have more to say about the film.
It really is an awesome movie. The giant showdown at the end between the apes and the humans is truly epic. Imagine it: monkeys leaping from building to building as they rampage the city in violence. Can you imagine what it must look like on LSD? You don’t have to! IT BOGGLES THE MIND, I TELL YOU!
It’s all there in this film. Mankind’s quest to become a more superior race despite the mistreatment of another. CGI effects that must be seen to be believed. A scientist who is pure of heart, with a genius colored with kindness. His wise and intelligent scientist father, who delivers his lines with the authority that only a veteran actor like John Lithgow could deliver. Guess it’s a good thing they got John Lithgow, huh? Add to this a sexy female doctor for the ever-effective hot-but-smart factor.
But for me, the best part is that we need a character who is so mean-spirited and unkind to the ape that the ape feels the need to “rise” up against us. Otherwise, we would just have some smart monkeys who are content and have the ability to communicate — and in no way do we need another Project X. But who could embody such a horrid person that the ape gets all “risey” and such?
How about Tom Felton? You may remember Tom as Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter films where he was so deliciously bad. Still, if this is any indication, Tom will not be sliding off his evil jerk persona any sooner than Janet Reno will slide off her ugly. Let’s hope he is offered other types of roles in the future.
Or not. Now that I think on it, I don’t even know Tom Felton, and he’s rich, so he can piss up a rope. OK, I’m bitter. I admit that. Let’s move on.
The important thing here is for me not to give too much away but instill the need to go see this film. This is going to be one of the biggest hits of the summer and with good reason. It may be a by-the-numbers summer movie, but it does it with style, and you will be happy you went!
As for me, I’m off to see it again! Sometimes what I mistake for awesome special effects are just the result of what I smoked before I left home … pretty sure I’m right, though…
* This is the second time in three months I have used The Monkees as a reference. It’s a sickness, and I’m sorry. I promise you this will stop immediately. Unless it doesn’t.
** No monkeys were screwed during the making of this film.

Larry Crowne

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 15:35:21 -0500

The truth is that any person who works in print media has an opinion — good or bad. Normally, this works out well for me, as I am a movie reviewer. My opinion is what I am here to offer.
Oh, I’m sure that there are many people who might disagree with any given review as it comes out, and I respect that. As part of showing my readers respect, I try to do my best to level with them. I don’t have my ego helping me review films. I do not have some silly “TWO BONGS UP! WAY UP!” system to relate my feelings about any movie experience. I am open, I am honest, and I aspire to be a true professional and leave my dislikes about any director or actor at home when I do my job.
But I’m not yet a professional. And I hate Julia Roberts’ guts.
It was not long ago that I was called by the publisher of Red Shtick, Mr. Jeremy White, who will remain nameless — in my next column, anyway:
“Tokin! Saw you on the highway picking up trash this morning! It was me who waved and tossed out that Starbucks cup! Anyway, I know it is usually up to you, but I’m gonna need you to review that Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts film this month.”
Apparently, even in a local rag, the really big names were not to be ignored.
At that moment, several things began to take place. Or rather, they did right after I said “F—k you!” Mr. White began to yell at me, then I yelled back with some musing about his mother’s chastity; Mr. White then fired me; I begged and began to cry (mentioning the Starbucks cup for guilt points); Mr. White rehired me and invited me to his mom’s for supper — BUT I HAD TO WRITE THAT REVIEW.
To explain myself, I have never liked Julia Roberts. Oh, I had no issue with her when she was in Steel Magnolias. She was a new star at 22 and looked like she was going to have a stellar career, which she has.
But America seems to latch on to some people as if they are royalty and put them upon a pedestal, where they are seen as near perfect and untouchable. Sometimes, and I know this is hard to believe, that leads an actress to become a first-class bitch.
Such was the case for Roberts. In every interview I have ever seen, she has been unpleasant and rude. It is well known that the crew for Hook nicknamed her with the revolving monikers of “Stinkerbell” and “Tinkerhell.” I am not the only one to notice that, for some time, her Bitch Factor has been set at 11.
But was I going to let that interfere with my review? I TRIED LIKE HELL FOR IT NOT TO. For the very first time, I’m sad to say, when I went to see Larry Crowne, my drug of choice was Pepto-Bismol.
Why? Why would Tom Hanks, a genuine national treasure, make yet another film with Roberts? Wasn’t Charlie Wilson’s War enough?
Maybe Hanks reasoned that it might be easier to have a big name with him while he was pulling triple duty. Hanks wrote and directed this picture as well as starred in it.
My biggest fear was that I might actually like Larry Crowne, because every time Julia Roberts has a success, I die a little inside.
And it’s all because of Pretty Woman, isn’t it? Yes, it was a HUGE smash, despite the overwhelmingly insipid ideas that propelled that film. A millionaire who falls for a hooker??? (Ever drive down Plank? Go ahead and take a ride … I’ll look for the wedding invitation.) But women in their 60s and beyond insisted on “rooting for the ho” … and Roy Orbison’s beautiful song about love and longing was dedicated to a bitch with an overbite and a man who had a gerbil in his ass.
No offense to you, Mr. Gere — you are a fine actor, and I admire you for taking the high road and never being a spokesman for Preparation H.
But I offer no reprieve for you, Roberts! I curse Dolly Parton to this day for giving you that goddam orange juice in her beauty parlor in Magnolias … your diabetes goes down as the biggest missed opportunity in history. (WARNING! 22-YEAR-OLD SPOILER!!!) However, I do appreciate you dying near the end!
But what of Larry Crowne?
I want to hate myself. I want to hate Mr. White. And more than anything, I wanted to hate Julia Roberts in this film…
BUT I LOVED IT.
There. I said it.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT! It has Tom Hanks, for God’s sake! He could do a film about punting babies, and I would likely enjoy it. But Hanks has taken a very real issue today and infused it with the positivity that only he can.
In a nutshell, Larry Crowne is about the recession. After getting a sales job fresh out of the Navy, the middle-aged Hanks has stayed with the company of his youth and is now a manager. How is he rewarded for his loyalty? He is downsized. He is without a job after years of hard work, just because he did not go to college. With an uncertain future, Crowne goes to community college to restart his life with an enthusiasm and good humor that so few of us are blessed with.
In the film, Larry seems to embrace his circumstances with the attitude of one who can change his life if he works hard enough. He takes a speech class and his teacher is … THE ONE AND BLESSEDLY ONLY JULIA ROBERTS. You may remember her from my ranting above and from the time they screwed up and revived her in Flatliners. It is to my eternal shame that I say she was wonderful.
Possibly due to what I can only call his Hanks-ness, Tom Hanks brings something out in Roberts that I have not seen since her screen debut. Unbelievable as it sounds, it’s like she’s human. Roberts falls for Hanks in the film in a way that gives you that “feel-good movie of the year” sensation.
As for Hanks, his directing and acting is so downright cozy, it’s like he has sat right down with you and helped you eat your popcorn.
Even the color used in the film is effective. Using a 1970s sepia tone would not have been my first choice, but you fall so in love with the film right from the start that I would not care if it had been Claymation. Soon the sepia tone feels natural, like the whole world should be that way.
The positive feeling that you walk away from this film with stays with you awhile. It made me feel bad for hating Julia. Don’t worry; the feeling will come back, but I was not so interested in disliking her after the film, as I was too engrossed in just being alive.
So make it a point to see this one. Not only because of all the wonderful things I said, but also because of this last fun fact: The part of Team Leader 2 is played by Tina Huang! And while I don’t know her from Adam, Huang sounds very close to “wang” and is just a lot of fun to say! I know, I know … no need to thank me!

X-Men: First Class

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 18:44:01 -0500

You know, there are many compelling reasons to go and see this film. I’m an X-Men fan, and I don’t just mean the movies. I was a fan of the comic for many years, even making a collection of the many issues I missed before I discovered them. And so it was with high hopes that I went to see X-Men: First Class.
It’s funny. When you have a genuine love for something, you make the strangest decisions. In thinking about this film, I secretly hoped it would act as a sort of portal to my youth … maybe I would again experience the magic of “meeting” Professor X and his uncanny X-Men. Perhaps the wonder that filled my soul as a young man would return to surge through my mind and render me happily helpless to its allure.
So, just this once, there would be no weed. No uppers, downers, coke, pills, or even a Jolt cola. I would come to my X-Men pure. Whole. Cleansed both in body and mind. I would readily submit to whatever journey I was to undertake and leave behind the cynicism by which we steer the course of our daily lives.
This I did. I bathed in the waters of geekdom as one of the devout, and it was in this way that I learned a great truth:
There is a reason man created drugs.
Oh dear God, where to start? First off, I was somewhat taken aback by the poster for the film. Where one would expect a dynamic spectacle of heroism and the defiance of death, what we get is a full-body photo of all the X-Men.
Looking almost as if they are on a coffee break from the poster shoot, the cast stands about a blue background like they are waiting patiently for their bags to arrive now that their plane has landed. It is unclear if they even know each other. Projecting an image that is neither X-y nor Man-y, it is hard to tell what the poster asks you to expect in the film.
Surely the producers of this film are not expecting you to shell out hard-earned money on the weak promise the poster seems to offer? Well, of course they aren’t. Remember, the X-Men are a brand name! Known the world over! Who cares what empty promise the poster beholds? Surely it is the film itself that will be the ultimate proof of its badassery, right?
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THIS FILM KICKS ASS!!!!
No, it doesn’t. I’m going to hell for saying it did.
I came to the film alone. I wanted to experience this look back at my childhood by myself. I didn’t want to hear the “witty” comments of my friends as I watched this tale unspool. I did not want one single second of the experience spoiled for me by my friends’ need to feel “cool” or “above it all” as the story played out. No, it was to be just me and the film. I would drift away for two hours on the waves of entertainment before me.
What a horrifically bad idea. I had no idea what I had signed up for. Still, that was not so bad, I guess. Not now that I know the director had no idea what he’d signed up for, either.
Cast your mind back to the first X-Men film. The one where Hugh Jackman surprised us all with his ferocity playing Wolverine. The movie that managed to make you believe in Professor X’s dream of a world where human and mutant were united. The film that helped you feel sympathy for the evil Magneto when you viewed the racism at the heart of his Jewish youth. It almost managed to make you forget how stupid his helmet looked.
Yes, the entire cast was perfect. Actors Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are the sort of actors who, even if they were not invested in their roles, would entertain you accidently because they are just that talented. Famke Janssen stepped up to the plate and was wonderful in her role as Jean Grey. Halle Berry sucked, but who cares — she’s freaking Halle Berry, and I enjoyed watching her almost as much as I enjoyed the memory of watching her later in my “private” time. The first film had it all!
Which left none for this film.
No first-rate, big-name actors, no visionary director, no thought-provoking script … this is a film for the midteen movie fan. The ones who want some whiz-bang explosions, not too much plot, hot chicks, and dialog from a Tim Allen movie. None of those things are forgivable in an X-Men movie — especially the Tim Allen part.
The premise of the film is to show you what it was like when Professor X had hair and working legs and was still friends with Magneto. It is EXACTLY as you might imagine. Professor X did exciting things like comb his hair and walk.
He also frequently disagreed with Magneto — as we all know, this was the basic background to the X-Men. Charles Xavier believed humans and mutants could coexist, and Magneto believed they could not. This is what led to Xavier starting the X-Men and Magneto starting the Brotherhood (although how this led to the Brotherhood as portrayed in Undercover Brother is anyone’s guess, and that is the movie I would have rather watched).
My question is, aside from making a film of younger X-Men to appeal to the youth, what was the point of telling us a story we already know the end to? If a bio-pic of John Lennon is shot, you can rely that he will still get shot, too. Anakin Skywalker MUST turn to the dark side in the prequels. Why? Because the first three Star Wars films tell us that. Remember how exciting THOSE films were?
So, allow me to tell you what you already know. Xavier will be a visionary who will lead a powerful group of heroes.
Magneto will be a real bastard to whom even Eddie Van Halen will pale as the best “metal” artist.
The part of Cyclops is not used in the film, and no one will care.
Mystique will follow the lead of Magneto and help him on his quest to kill millions in the name of the millions of Jews who were killed in WWII … not that I’m sure the Jewish people’s image would benefit from that. But who am I? Just a man using logic, is all. And Hollywood has never had time for my type.
Also, you will get to watch X-Man Beast turn from a man into a blue, furry, Tribble-type thing. Much sadness ensues.
The essential problem is not so much the casting as the concept of the film. You CANNOT take an idea and make it “cooler” by slapping it with more “hip” and “young” appeal.
First off, this is the X-Men — they ARE cool. Without your help. It’s a good, wildly successful comic and film industry that does not need a makeover.
Plus, trying to be hip always FEELS like TRYING to be hip, and it turns people off. If something is past its time, give it up.
Some examples of people who did not learn that lesson:
Remember when New Kids on the Block became stale, and someone tried to liven it up by calling them N.K.O.T.B.? Remember how they still S.U.C.K.E.D.?
In the late ’80s, MTV reintroduced America’s youth to The Monkees! The kids embraced this show because the band had undeniable charisma and some catchy tunes. How quaint! Then came their next big idea: THE NEW MONKEES! … It lasted half a season. … The members of the New Monkees (whoever they were*) took the Last Train to Clarksville, which, after an hour, led them straight to the small town of Obscurity. …
Also from the ’80s, Bo and Luke Duke get the hell outta Dodge (or Hazzard County, anyway) so that Duke cousins Coy and Vance could drive the General Lee straight into ratings hell. As history relates, there is no scenario where Cooter should be your most compelling character. …
I think those examples should do, so I will not bring up The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Also, I just ate.
Look, if you’re looking for a simple tale that will pass a couple of hours of your life, then by all means, go see this film.
However, if you are a true fan of the comic or the film series, you will find yourself longing to see Wolverine again, and I think we all know what anguish that was the first time.
OK, this film will make money. No doubt. It has skintight costumes. Sh—t blows up. Lots of explosions.
However, the writing is so beyond bad that it should be banned. Not at the theaters. Not on TV. Not in the USA. On the planet.
Professor X has been rewritten so that he is no longer a wise and sympathetic figure. He is now closer to Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins, though with the enhanced ability to crease his brow to infer “deep thought.”
Magneto is now a bad-guy-by-numbers. Always with the big words and perpetual sneer of superiority. It would take an exceptional actor, at the very least, to follow up McKellen, even as a younger version. What we get here is the run-of-the-mill “fear me for I have an accent” variety villain.
So, the end verdict? Oh, what the hell. Go see it. It won’t kill you. Parts of it are fun. But it, in no way, will enhance your summer nor much of your afternoon. Whatever the name, this X-Men is flying coach.
Maybe it’s better with weed. …

*The New Monkees were Jared Chandler (guitar and vocals), Dino Kovas (drums and vocals), Marty Ross (bass and vocals), and Larry Saltis (lead guitar and vocals). Come on. They were young and didn’t know any better. Besides, their moms might be reading.

The Passion of the Beaver

Fri, 6 May 2011 15:33:28 -0500

As with most artists, one of the joys I cherish in life is the act of suffering for my art. How can one give to his audience if he does not truly “give”? How far will a true artist go to entertain? To reach a goal? To chase a dream? And how many drugs does it take to get there?
You see, this week, I had a dream. Not a very complicated or noble dream. In fact, on a scale of who-gives-a-f—kness, this dream is a solid, sophomoric Number Zero With a Bullet. But I cannot deny that the pull from the insipid idea that came upon me had me firmly in its grip … and I never wanted to be let go.
Each month, as your loyal movie reviewer, I find myself having to wake from another puff-induced slumber, wave away the smoke of my morning inspiration, and decide what film I will endure on your behalf. Which film I write about is always mine to decide. But of three possible wide-release films coming out this month, only two of them appealed to me.
I could have reviewed Thor. I didn’t. I should have. I’m sorry. But how often does a man get to live a dream? This is why I have taken the unheard of step of reviewing TWO films AT THE SAME TIME!!!
Impossible, you say? YOU’RE RIGHT, I retort! But I was determined to do it. I dare to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unfightable foe, and to watch the unwatchable film! So, I smoked the unsmokable ganja and set to it.
You see, my friends, the other two films I had on my list were:
Passion Play: a sort-of wide-release indie film about a young woman, Megan Fox, who performs in a freak show because she has angel-like wings. This film also stars Mickey Rourke and Bill Murray.
AND…
The Beaver: a film about a depressed man who tries to regain his sanity by only talking through a hand puppet made to look like a beaver. This stars Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster.
I laughed to myself … Mel Gibson. Hah. If they had COMBINED these two films it would have been The Passion of the Beaver … AND I WAS OFF!!!
I decided not just to watch both films and combine them, but to do it simultaneously! Could it be done? Of course not. I was doing it anyway.
But what did I need to pull it off?
1. My friends, the Legion of Shrooms. They are my minions, and I refused to go into battle without them!
2. A theater not only playing both of these films, but one that had them in adjacent rooms with similar start times.
3. A few positive reminders that the impossible DOES happen from time to time. (EXAMPLES: No loyal fans have killed George Lucas for the Star Wars prequels; the fat kid from Stand By Me married the hot blue chick from X-Men.)
4. Speed. No problem.
So, after a NASA-like search to find the right cinema to suit our needs, all of us took way too much speed (the normal dosage of use for us) and set off to watch these two films. We sat down for Beaver first.
The lights lowered, and some wiseass just HAD to comment when Jodie Foster’s name came on screen. “This ain’t the FIRST beaver she’s been in!”
Oh, har-de-har, am I right? Well, I am, because we laughed our asses off! We ran into the Passion Play theater, still giggling!
Mickey Rourke, looking a lot like Rocky Dennis from Mask, is a down-on-his-luck horn player wandering the desert. As the first few minutes progress, Rourke emotes and acts and attempts to entertain, but not in the fun way when he knows he’s in a film that sucks, like The Expendables … here in this film, Rourke seems to believe he has something to offer. So we know he is not gonna be any fun in this film.
However, he is soon joined by a mostly naked Megan Fox, who was born with wings! (If you are anything like me, it may take you several minutes to notice the wings…)
And we ran back into The Beaver … but not in the sticky way it sounds like! Mel and Jodie are still grinding away. Well, not in that sense — this is Jodie Foster, after all. This is a woman who once built a Panic Room to keep her safe from a bunch of men.
And we ran back to Passion Play, and so on and so forth…
These are the images we remember; not sure if we have interwoven them…
Mel loses his mind and wife from depression…
Mickey Rourke has clearly lost any resemblance to a real carbon-based human.
Mel found a hand puppet in the trash shaped like a beaver and uses it as his sole means of communication…
Megan Fox is a trashy bit of beaver herself who uses her nudity as a means of communication. Not sure if it was her sole means; I wasn’t listening…
Mel begins to piece his life and marriage and career back together through the magic of the beaver…
Megan Fox’s magical beaver is desired by Bill Murray playing some sort of tough guy role, but again, Megan was naked, so we didn’t know what it was. Or care.
At the end, Mel no longer needs his hand puppet and is reunited with Jodie Foster, who I hope gives equally “good hand,” ‘cuz I suspect that’s all he is likely to get from Foster…
Also, in that other movie … that Passion thingy? Megan Fox was naked. That was, of course, awesome. Bill Murray was not. Equally awesome.
So, in the end, what is my verdict? Did I enjoy myself? Would I recommend either, both, or even both at the same time to you?
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say yes. Mel’s film is PG-13. Rourke’s is R. Mel’s is an uplifting drama. Rourke’s is a classy indie film with violence.
But what you have to keep in mind is that one has a hand puppet and one has Megan Fox naked.
In either case, take my advice and just “Leave It to Beaver.”
Sincerely, Megan Fox gets naked…

Your Highness

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 09:40:23 -0500

Wake up, Tokinites! Open your eyes, your heart, and your mind for what will surely be a life-altering cinematic experience … should your soul be brave enough for the journey.
For every man of letters like myself, there exists a “white whale,” a story one is born to cover. But will that story be one of greatness, or a cautionary story to those you leave behind? A story that reminds us that those of us who choose to aspire to greatness run the risk of abject failure, misery, or even death on an epic scale that shall be recounted in the ages to come? When your one, and perhaps only, chance comes, do you possess the fortitude of spirit to sacrifice yourself and stare into the infinite?
Well, f—k that.
But the filmic orgasm that is Your Highness has seemed to call to me since long before the film was ever made. It is as if The Deity Himself knew that I, Sir Tokin — Lord of the Schwag, and Your Highness have been on a collision course since the dinner-and-movie my parents saw 40 years ago that led to my birth in the first place. If ever there were a destiny a man must face, this was it.
This would be no ordinary movie experience, my children. No. This would require preparation and cunning.
The first step: taking stock of the elements rumored to exist within this film — elements that I have always feared may one day be blended together, rolled up into the Perfect Blunt of Geekness, or, as I called it in my heart: the Blunt of Death. For no matter how noble, how could any weed-smoking geek such as myself survive this recipe of awesomeness: adventure in the Dark Ages, magic, swords, mythical beasts, ganja, and warrior-woman nudity? Add to this the fact that what we stand to experience is NATALIE PORTMAN nudity and … well, this movie would become the book depository to my J.F.K. No man would stand a chance.
The second step? Minions. I rounded up my posse, who for this journey would temporarily be called the Knights of Perpetual Listlessness (KOPL, which we decided was pronounced Koppel, as in Ted Koppel). We banded together to go see Your Highness at the 8 o’clock show. We pumped ourselves up with our battle cry:
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”
“TO SEE YOUR HIGHNESS!”
“AND WHEN ARE WE GOING?”
“AT THE 8 O’CLOCK SHOWING!”
Truly, we were some devastating bastards. I confess, I trembled in fear looking at our might. I even began to feel sorry for Your Highness … for we were coming…
The third step? Hate to go all Streisand, but it’s WARDROBE, WARDROBE, WARDROBE! It was only later that we would discover that tunics and broadswords were frowned upon at most movie cinemas, no matter WHAT film is showing. Anyway, the three cinemas WE went to all stuck to the same story.
The fourth, and final, step? MAGIC. An epic quest is nothing a mere mortal should embark on without some guidance from the gods. We would allow our course that night to be decided by the great spirits of the beyond. So I grabbed my Magic 8 Ball and we loaded up in the Skylark. For one night only, my ride was transformed into my 1784 Buick steed … and I rode it like the wind.
A brief discussion was had to determine if we should just reach under my car seats and listen to whatever fate gave us to feast our ears on or if we should, indeed, stop at Best Buy and get a copy of the hallowed Rush 2112 CD — the agreed most mind-blowing prog rock produced by man. We asked the Ball. “Should we just let fate decide on the music?”
“YES - DEFINITELY” it read. We cried out in joy!
There is no way to overstate how much weed you have to smoke to get a buzz when fate makes you listen to the Spin Doctors’ Pocket Full of Kryptonite. Fate can be a cruel bitch, and let me tell ya’ now, brothers: Despite what the Spin Doctors say, the “little bitch” CAN be wrong.
AND NOW THE FILM.
If you are even half the weed enthusiast I am, the effect upon your body will be much like that of looking inside the Ark of the Covenant. Things inside me have melted and fused together in a rapturous joy that mankind was never supposed to have known.
I will give you the lowdown:
Long ago, in a magical time, stoner prince Danny McBride and his heroic older prince brother James Franco had to fight the forces of evil to save Franco’s fiancée from the evil clutches of the wizard Leezar. Along the way, they met up with Natalie Portman, who had twice the battle skill of the brothers and managed to be brutally funny AND drip sex at the same time.
She and McBride are the best reasons to see this film, but this is one of those movies blessed with not a single weak character in the story. No reason we should be surprised. Give the director of Pineapple Express a stellar cast, a huge budget, and I’m guessing A LOT MORE WEED, and you have a classic on your hands. No, I MEANT that word. This is a modern classic.
So what do we get for the money we fork over, you ask? Action, sex, hysterical writing, lots of drug jokes, dragons, hydras, hot babes kicking ass, the best comedy acting this side of The Princess Bride, and a soul forever changed as if you have been French-kissed by an angel. Not a bad way to spend a night, eh?
I warn you that this film will so pleasure the synapses in your brain that if you go home and get laid, YOU WILL DIE. That’s my theory, anyway.
To even try to explain the overall effect this movie will have on you as a person, on your children’s future, and the hope it will give mankind is fruitless — I shall tell you no more! Go forth and bask in its awesomeness. You will remain forever changed in a fundamental and positive way.
Red Shtick looks forward to your letters of praise for this film and reporting on any cults that may spring up from its life lessons.

P.S.: My car ate the Spin Doctors as soon as I turned on the engine. I believe in magic. You should, too. The next time a fairy is dying, I EXPECT YOU TO CLAP!!!