This month’s column is about a brick. Not just any, ordinary brick, but a brick that has played a pivotal role in the history of rock and roll. It now serves as a rustic bookend on a shelf in my den. But before I tell you the story of my brick, I’d like to reflect for a moment on the cultural significance of bricks in general.

It was probably the strangest assignment I’d had in my 30 years as a detective for the New Orleans Police Department. I was called upon to investigate a series of injuries suffered by the readers of a women’s magazine, based in New Orleans, called Nymphopolitan, or Nympho for short.

This month’s column was originally entitled simply “The 2009 Federal Budget.” That was before I realized that my article from September 2004, entitled “Oprah, Barbie, and Kirstie Alley,” has had more hits (4,723) on the Red Shtick Magazine website than any other column I’ve ever written. Wow, I bet Oprah’s name had something to do with it!

Tiger fans have been walking on air ever since LSU won the 2007 BCS National Championship in a game played in the year 2008. This was not unusual. LSU won the 2003 national championship in a game played in 2004. The 2008 championship will be determined by a game played in 2009, and so on. This is done solely for tax reasons.

2007 was a year when America faced the difficult and serious issue of global warming and took gutsy measures to insure that our children and our children’s children would be spared the catastrophic consequences of…viewing someone else’s half-exposed buttocks. What I’m referring to, of course, is the action taken by towns across America to ban baggy pants.  Many concerned readers have written to me, demanding to know where I, as a presidential candidate, stand on this important issue.

A “Year in Review” column in December?  Why so early? Well, for one thing, I’m sick and tired of Dave Barry stealing all of my ideas and using them in his yearly review articles that always come out the week before mine. So, Dave, if you’re reading this, GO AHEAD AND HACK INTO MY COMPUTER. YOU’RE TOO LATE!

Last month, George Bush’s approval rating dropped to 31%. It would have dropped even lower had President Bush’s Scottish terrier, Barney, not participated in the latest telephone poll:

          “Press One for English, Two for Spanish, and Three if you’re a dog… Bark once if you disapprove of President Bush’s performance; bark twice if you approve of President Bush’s performance.”

The Human Brain vs. the Computer: How Do We Stack Up?

It has been estimated that an average brain can hold 100 million megabytes of memory. Pretty impressive, except that it is also believed that humans only use 10% of the brain’s capacity. In other words, if the human brain was an iPod, it would be capable of holding 30 million songs, 27 million of which would be endless downloads of “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

Last month, we critiqued one of the greatest brains of all time, Albert Einstein, and chronicled the adventures of the doctor who performed Einstein’s autopsy and “commandeered” Einstein’s brain after his death. (Most people find it odd that a glass jar is home for Einstein’s brain, but is it any odder than Elvis being buried in the backyard next to his swimming pool?)

How often do you find yourself driving in your car and you see the traffic light turning yellow, so you speed onward, passing under the light just as it turns red, and you think, "That was stupid. Why did I do that? Am I in such a hurry to get where I’m going that it’s worth risking my life, barely getting through this light as it turns red? I’m not doing that anymore!" And then you look at the rear-view mirror and see a car behind you, in no particular hurry, going through the same red light after you, and there’s another car, also in no particular hurry, leisurely driving through the red light, behind the car that’s behind you.