Buckle up, folks: It’s 2008, and boy, it’s going to be a long one.  Literally.  2008 is a leap year, meaning one extra day of suck, right at the tail end of February.  According to the Chinese calendar, it’s the year of the rat, which is associated with death, war, the occult, pestilence, and atrocities.  Aside from all the crap that’s going down your throat this year concerning the Olympics and the presidential election, you can look forward to the nutcases coming out of the woodwork on Feb. 21 during the lunar eclipse, and then a whole other group of nuts coming out because of the slew of apocalyptic sci-fi books that are set in 2008.  Plus, according to Futurama, this is the year suicide booths get invented.

But hey, we can look forward to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (if you’re not sick to the gills with Shia LaBeouf by then).  And maybe you’ll actually be able to follow through with your New Year’s resolution this time around.  So let’s see what the year has in store for each of you (actual astrological predictions ripped off from nutbag astrology websites).

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Jupiter is in your sign all year, so something big is supposed to happen, like a new job or marriage, etc.  So get out there and make something of yourself finally.  The stars say, “You suck.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Uranus is in transit through Pisces, so it will affect you monetarily (like it supposedly has been doing since 2003).

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Neptune is in Aquarius, which favors paranormal activities. Sooo…I don’t know, ghosts or something in your attic?  Or maybe you’re a werewolf or a robot or something.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Saturn is finally going to leave your fifth house of love, meaning you’ll get over a past love.  Either you’ll find someone new or you’ll find the courage to finally off yourself.  At least you’ll finally have some closure.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Saturn will transit Taurus’ fifth house of creativity, which means kids.  Maybe you’ll have a kid, or you might just hit one with your car.  That’s what makes it fun.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Uranus (hehe) is in Pisces, suggesting change.  I’d suggest finally putting on a fresh pair of undies there, stinky.

CANCER(June 21-July 22): Saturn is in Virgo, suggesting a close relative will need material and moral support.  Interpret as moochy relatives stealing your stuff and calling at odd hours to cry.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Jupiter is in Capricorn this year, which means you’ll do better at work if you try harder.  (That’s what it says.  Seriously.)

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Saturn is dead on you this year, making you feel organized.  You’re not, but you’ll feeeeelllllorganized.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Neptune is in Aquarius, suggesting that you are idealizing your life partner.  I’d take that to mean the stars feel you’re touching yourself to online porn too much.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Jupiter is in Capricorn, so somehow, this means you’re going to find out you have another sibling.  That’s right, each and every one of you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Pluto is leaving your sign, which means that any chance at change is about to end.  So, if you’re not doing better by the end of the year, I’d really think about giving up.