The Great Big Story

LSU football fans wasted little time celebrating January’s BCS Championship victory over Ohio State with raucous parties, parades, and frequent, public masturbation.

“God, I just don’t want this to end,” said Roger Broussard, a Golden Meadow fisherman, as he wildly stroked his erect penis with a group assembled in front of Tiger Stadium. “Go Tigers! F–k yeah!” Broussard, wearing only a purple Batman^® mask and yellow shrimp boots, screamed at honking motorists passing on South Stadium Drive.

Delores Ellers, a 56-year-old Metairie homemaker and mother of two, chanted “L-S-U! L-S-U!” outside the Pete Maravich Assembly Center as she sodomized herself with a large, tiger-striped dildo.

“I’ve gotten off at least two or three times a day since the game,” Ellers said between grunts as she lay naked on the pavement, violently abusing her own rectum. “Go to hell, USC! We’re No. 1!”

GOP “Outraged” Over Michael Jackson Bid for Congress

The Louisiana Republican Party began circulating a statewide petition in January in hopes of preventing Michael Jackson from entering the election to replace Baton Rouge Congressman Richard Baker, who resigned from office last month.

“This is an outrage,” the petition stated. “The Democratic Party has stooped to new lows by allowing, even courting, someone of such ill repute as Michael Jackson to seek office in the hallowed halls of the United States government.”

When told later that the Michael Jackson who has expressed interest in running is a state representative in the Legislature, and not the popular entertainer in Los Angeles, state GOP Chairman Roger Villere responded, “Oh. Oh, thatMichael Jackson. Oh. Well, yeah, that’s different.”

WAFB Running Out of Excuses to Replay 911 Call

A confidential source said in January that WAFB-TV is running desperately low on excuses for replaying the heart-wrenching audio of a woman’s call to 911 after five people were gunned down in a Baton Rouge church.

“When it really was news during the trial, we milked the hell out of it,” the source said on condition of anonymity. “But we’re really having trouble coming up with stories to keep playing the tape.”

The source said that, unless more scenarios are found, the station could stop airing the tape by early 2009.

Pinnacle Challenges Rival Casino to Steel-Cage Wrestling Match

Pinnacle Entertainment challenged Hollywood Casino in January to a no-holds-barred, steel-cage wrestling match at the downtown River Center.

“If you got the onions, you can step in the squared circle and we’ll settle it once and for all like men,” Pinnacle, dressed in leopard-skin tights and coated in bronzing oil, goaded its most outspoken critic during a recent news conference. “But I got a feeling you don’t want none of this, brother. Because when the Pinnacle is finished, everybody’s gonna see what a punk-ass bitch you really are.”

According to details of the competition, Hollywood has until mid-February to accept the dare. Both sides would meet in a pay-per-view extravaganza in March, aired live on Cox Communications.

There was no response from Hollywood as of press time, but sources close to the boat said the challenge likely would be accepted. Even if Hollywood loses, the source said, no one would likely see the fight because Cox is sure to screw up the broadcast.

Member of Jindal Administration Caught Lip-Synching The Cult

Governor Bobby Jindal was “highly disappointed” to learn in January that Mark Cooper, Director of Homeland Security and Emergency Preparedness, had been caught lip-synching “Peace Dog” by The Cult in his Capitol office.

Jindal spokeswoman Melissa Sellers confirmed that Cooper’s secretary witnessed the incident during a lunch break. The secretary, whom Sellers declined to name, heard movement and “peeked in the door to make sure Mark was OK.”

“She saw Mark’s head bobbing while he mouthed the words, ‘B-5-2 baby, way up in the sky / Come droppin’ your lovin’ on me, child / B-5-2 baby, way up in the sky / Drop your love on me tonight, yeah.’ She also could hear the music playing on his iPod.”

Sellers would not provide specifics but said Jindal would reprimand Cooper “swiftly and severely.”

“This governor believes in the highest ethical standards. The administration has no place, therefore, for vapid, shallow, glam rock from the ‘80s.”

Sellers said the secretary also would be reprimanded for knowing The Cult well enough to identify the song.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

You put the lime in the coconut and then you drink it down.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Shut doesn’t go up, but prices do.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Senator David Vitter does not refer to his penis as “Excelsior.”

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.