As I write this, I am two hours past my first weight-training workout in probably two years.  I feel like a worthless tub of goo.  Just seeing how strong I wasn’t made me feel terrible about my spot in the universe.  My muscles, if you can call them that, are still trembling.  The only redeeming part is that, now that I have the first workout done, the rest will be easier.

Nine months ago, I stopped smoking.  Six months ago, I stopped binge drinking.  Two weeks ago, I turned 30, and one week ago, I gave up soft drinks.  Let me just say that giving up soda was the worst withdrawal ever!  I wanted (and still want) a cigarette, but the headaches and shakes from not having sugar-filled, caffeine deliciousness were BRUTAL.  Heroin would have been easier to quit.

Everyone said I should just switch over to diet or caffeine-free drinks.  That’s a horrible idea, because those drinks are disgusting.  People that do enjoy them will say, “You get used to it.”  I say, just because you get used to something, that doesn’t make it good, right, or normal.  Just look at what people in prison can “get used to…”

In other words, I have stopped doing everything that made me even a remotely interesting or fun-to-be-around person.  I didn’t do any of this because I had some sort of epiphany or because I chose to lead a different life.  I did all of this (with the exception of turning 30) because my doctor was amazed that I hadn’t had a stroke or developed a new form of diabetes.

Actually, I am lying.  I don’t care about health reasons.  I did this because I found out the average, male, adult film star is 5’8” and 160 pounds.  That’s why it looks so big.  It’s really just average on a smaller-than-average guy.  Sure, being 6’0” and 270 pounds makes me larger than most guys, which is nice for intimidating people, but it doesn’t intimidate where it counts.  When you are large, being average looks small.

The best way to explain it is this:  I went on a cruise.  When I saw that cruise ship, it was the biggest thing I had ever seen in my life.  I was amazed at how huge this ship was.

The next day, we were miles and miles out at sea with no land in sight.  Suddenly, the biggest thing I had ever seen was very small.  Miniscule is the word that came to mind when I realized that this gigantic thing was very small when compared to what it was on.

Needless to say, my new target weight is 110 pounds.