That’s right. This is a call to action. Stand up. Take a deep breath. And grow a pair.

It’s been a while since I’ve had something to rant about: bad sex, no sex, whatever. But I’ve finally got a new chip on my shoulder. It isn’t that my heart has been broken or all the men I meet are losers. Instead, it is just that all the men I meet seem to be lacking the quintessential additive that makes them men. That’s right, I’m talking about balls – big, little…whatever size, shape, etc. Just grow a pair.

Let me explain.

Last fall, a mutual friend introduced me to what cheesy romance novelists like to call a “tall drink of water.” Aaron was smart, funny, and he seemed very interested in me. The interest was definitely reciprocated, and I was ready to see what it would be like to take our relationship beyond the goodnight kiss and past the threshold.

But suddenly, Aaron was scarce. I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks at a time, or more. He’d blame it on work and other various things. I began to emotionally back myself down and was able to disconnect the emotional pull that I’d begun to feel. All the while, he would call every couple of days, disappear for a few weeks, and repeat the pattern. Eventually, I wrote him off altogether.

A similar thing happened with Taylor. I’d met Taylor one night at my favorite Perkins Overpass bar/restaurant, and we hit it off immediately. Two weekends of late nights talking and incredible make-out sessions and I was hooked. But then he stopped calling. No warning, no moments that would make a girl question his intent. He just dropped off the face of the earth.

Now, if I had some horrible disease, bad breath, rank body odor, stalker tendencies, or manic moments, I might understand these guys just disappearing without the inevitable “I’m not interested” conversation, but all my guy and girl friends concur that I have no such defects.

And then the thought struck me: These guys just don’t have the balls to call me and let me down, turn me down, whatever you want to call it. I don’t care what the reason is. “I got back together with my girlfriend.” “I have too much on my plate right now.” “My grandmother is ill.” Whatever.

They just need to stand up and act like men. That’s right, I said it. It takes balls to let a girl down, break her heart, or piss her off. And most men today just don’t have them.

Is it really that difficult? Hell, I’ve had to let down a few guys in the past few months. I’m still standing. No battle wounds. No broken bones. Yeah, it sucked. I felt awful when I turned down Valentine’s Day plans with a completely sweet, unassuming guy, but I did it. I felt like a bitch when I told the last writer I dated that I just wasn’t interested when he called to ask me to dinner. But at least I had the guts, the balls, the breasts, the (fill in name of the body part that makes me seem strong and capable) to turn them down.

So why is it that men today just can’t handle making that phone call or sitting a woman down to let her down? I have two theories

1. Modern men had their balls removed when they were circumcised. You know, no guts and no foreskin, all in one fell swoop. Brilliant.
2. Too many men experienced ball-threatening incidents during little league soccer, baseball, or hockey games.

Either way, gentlemen, it’s time to grow a pair. And to provide you with some incentive, I’ve decided to make a proposition to my female readers. If men want to pansy out and act like they are lacking in the junk that gives them gusto to make the hard call or initiate the uncomfortable conversation, we’re going to treat them like they really don’t have balls. That means no playing with them during foreplay. We’ll pretend like they really don’t exist during blowjobs and sex. And really, since you don’t have balls, it will be impossible for you to get Blue Balls. So when we tease you all night long and then don’t give you any action, you don’t have room to complain. There’s nothing there to hurt.

Don’t like the sound of this, guys? There is a way, a way for you to regain that precious contact during your twilight trysts. It’s very simple. Stand up and act like a man. That means having the guts to turn down a girl in a polite and respectful manner, rather than hiding away in a dark corner like a diseased animal. Come on. We deserve better than that.

And if you’re really struggling with this concept and just can’t wrap your tiny little heads around it, I hear plastic surgeons make some really realistic prosthetic balls nowadays.