In 2000, when LSU quarterback Josh Booty threw an ill-advised interception in the closing moments of the University of Alabama at Birmingham game, it was returned for the winning touchdown. As Tiger fans exited Death Valley following the 13-10 loss to the Blazers, many of them wished they could have gotten their paws on the Evangel Christian Academy product.

That’s why, when news broke that Booty had been Tased by police after his DUI arrest in Orange County, California last month, many of these same LSU football fans undoubtedly gave thanks for alcohol, cops, and Ben Franklin.

Booty, the older brother of USC Trojans quarterback John David Booty, was pulled over for speeding by the California Highway Patrol on the 55 Freeway in Santa Ana, Orange County, early on the morning of February 13. The former NFL quarterback was subsequently arrested for suspicion of drunk driving.

"The officers found him under the influence of alcohol, so he was transported to the Sheriff's department facility," O.C. Sheriff's spokesperson Jim Amormino said. "During the booking process he became belligerent and uncooperative. The deputies had to use a Taser^® to get him under control. During the process of taking him down, he received a black eye and a bloody nose."

According to reports, "a clearly intoxicated" Booty was taken to jail, patted down, and searched. When deputies instructed him to pick up his clothes, however, he became contrary. Booty, who’s currently working as a television and radio sportscaster, told them, "Give me a minute bro…f–k." We can only speculate why he would prefer to remain naked while in jail.

Then, as deputies tried to restrain Booty by forcing his arms behind his back, he pulled away, took an aggressive stance, and began throwing his arms out. Because of Booty’s size (he’s 6’2” and weighs 221 pounds), strength, and level of intoxication, deputies were unable to control him and ultimately decided to employ the Taser. Leave it to a guy named Booty to act like a complete ass.

The 32-year-old, former Major League Baseball player was hardly fazed by the first Taser blast. The second jolt, though, brought Booty to the ground. On the way down, he hit his eye on the ground or table and suffered a black eye. Afterwards, deputies say, he was “fully compliant” and eventually apologized to them for his actions. Tiger fans are still waiting for their apology.

Booty was taken to a hospital, where he was stitched up. Hours later, he was released, with a citation advising him of a date to appear in court. Given his history as a quarterback, though, Booty will likely call an idiotic audible in the courtroom and get sacked by the prosecution.

It’s a shame that NCAA rules don’t permit head coaches to Tase uncooperative quarterbacks. If Nick Saban had been allowed to occasionally jolt Booty with 60,000 volts, maybe LSU would have beaten UAB.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from January 21 – February 24, 2008.

10. Tiny Angel R., 39, first-offense DWI.

We apologize, but Red Shtick was unable to obtain personal information about Tiny Angel. We can only speculate that, with such a name, Tiny Angel is either a demure, diminutive waif of a woman or a 380-pound ex-con who’s covered in copious jailhouse tattoos and can bench-press a school bus.

9. Jerico Blayne C., 28, 1^st-offense DWI and improper lane usage.

Unlike the fictional town of Jericho, Kansas, Jerico got bombed.

8. Joy Trincie T., 32, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, backing unsafely, failure to yield private drive, and resisting an officer.

Unfortunately for Joy, she listened to the New Orleans rapper Juvenile a bit too much. Subsequently, she couldn’t resist backing that ass up. Conversely, Juvenile’s streetwise rhymes apparently inspired her to resist her arresting officer.

7. Phillip Ray C., 28, 1^st-offense DWI, intimacy in public, resisting an officer, simple criminal damage to property, reckless operation of a vehicle, expired inspection sticker, and illegal vehicle window tint.

If you’re going to get intimate in your car, it helps to have an illegal tint. Just make sure it’s darker than Phillip’s.

6. Ali Mustafa G., 21, 2^nd-offense DWI, disobeying a red light, improper turns, improper lane usage, and litter thrown from a vehicle.

Oh no! Ali G.’s turban flew out the window! What a disgrace. Now his turban is dirty!

5. Brandon Kyle S., 21, 1^st-offense DWI, possession of Schedule I drugs, and two counts of possession of Schedule IV drugs.

While Burger King is known for flame-broiling, this BK is known for getting fried…and baked, too.

4. Major Shaunte Raymon P., 32, 1^st-offense DWI, speeding, distribution or manufacture of cocaine, and driver’s license suspended.

Major’s family is reportedly thrilled with his latest accomplishment. Sources say his momma Commodore, his uncle General, his sister Private, and his brothers Captain and Sergeant couldn’t be prouder.

3. Eddie Lee J., 64, 1^st-offense DWI, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of cocaine, and possession of marijuana.

Eddie Lee is an inspiration for all those fun-loving folks who are getting long in the tooth. He proves that, just because you’re old enough to collect Social Security benefits, it doesn’t mean you’re too old to party like a rock star. All you need is an eighth, a couple lines, Cialis^®, and some Earth, Wind and Fire.

2. Francis M., 45, 2^nd-offense DWI, possession of crack cocaine, hit and run, reckless operation of a vehicle, resisting an officer, and battery of a police officer.

“No, officer. That’s not crack. It’s just my pet rock.” (Come on, folks. The ‘70s is the most hilarious decade since the Taft administration.)

1. Bryan M., 31, 3^rd-offense DWI, aggravated flight from an officer, negligent vehicular injuring, inspection sticker required, reckless operation of a vehicle, resisting an officer, seat belt violation, and aggravated obstruction of a public highway.

Who says resistance is futile? It helped Bryan win the Judge Don Johnson Trophy this month. And soon, he’ll be assimilated into the prison collective.

Congratulations, Bryan. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.