Reading the news from many different sources daily, as I do to avoid the tedium that is geotechnical engineering class, I stumbled upon an article about pharmaceutical drugs found in today’s tap water.  Water is now not only laced with lead from old pipes, but also with designer drugs that somehow have leached into my precious water supply.

Could it be some government conspiracy, out to make us dumber and more addicted to those tempting, irresistible, catchy drugs they sell on television, with their flashy cars and annoying side effects?  If that’s the case, I predict an ad selling their new drug: “Take our drug before the spiders in your skin crawl out…” as they lace our water with LSD.  It guarantees billions in revenue, as we fight off the synthetic viruses that they created in order to sell us the designer antidote.

Or could it be that all the drug companies have finally infiltrated the government on a level that only the Freemasons and Mafia have done in the past?  It seems likely, for they are now working with Wal-Mart and others to make prescriptions for common medicines available for as low as $4 a month.  Only our government could subsidize that to make sure they all make a profit.  Better yet, could Bayer, Merck, and Pfizer be drugging us, like a really bad Joker from Tim Burton’s Batman, mixing their concoctions into the water supply in order to make us all Stepford wives and buff Fabio clones? (I have noticed my muscles are a bit more bulged…)

I really think that this is all about Roger Clemens.  Poor Roger never actually used steroids, but rather, he just drank gallons and gallons of tap water that was laced with steroids by the evil pharmaceutical companies hell-bent on destroying him in a bid to replace him with cyborgs, sent from the future to save me from the evil emperor Zurg of Sector 9 in deep space.  Or that’s the story that the little cricket I think is sitting on my shoulder told me.    Personally, I think they are doping Washington, D.C. with Enzyte™, because those Congressmen are getting bigger and bigger each year…

On the flip side, one has to look at the natural cycle of how these drugs are entering the water supply.  First, you pay out the nose for an overpriced drug, which you swallow.  For example, let’s use progestin, a common drug in birth control pills.  When it passes out of your system, it comes out in your urine.  This part is especially important.

After going through the sewage treatment plant, it enters the water supply.  Traveling down the mighty Mississippi River, collecting more sewage along the way (the river collects sewage from 38 states), it finally enters the Carrolton Avenue water purification plant in New Orleans.  Now, this molecule of progestin is too small to get filtered out, it is unreactive to chlorine disinfectant, and it passes easily into the water system.  Minutes after entering the maze of pipes, that progestin, along with the water, gurgles out of your faucet and into your cup, where you unwittingly drink it, and then you look at the mirror and wonder: “When did I start to grow such big man-boobs?”

So where did that progestin molecule come from?  Someone else’s urine!!!  That’s right: You are drinking pee. Not only pee, but birth control-laced pee!  You are living in some bad Kevin Costner movie (not that there is a good one, but I digress from the pee…), and there is nothing you can do about it.

Not only that, but there are maybe hundreds of different drugs, in very small quantities, that you are taking in all day.  Drink bottled water?  Where do you think that comes from?  Yup: recycled pee from Yankees up north.  How about colas in a can or a bottle?  There’s more than caffeine in there, for the water used in the manufacturing of the drink comes from pee water from a river.

Either way you look at it, we are getting doped by someone or something.  At least, with the crackpot conspiracy theories, I can blame the drugs for my insane ideas; while, with the recycled tinkle theory, I can feel safer knowing that, when the Soylent Green hits the market, I’ll be eating the rest of the drugs that were absorbed into your system, making my man-boobs, or moobs, fuller and firmer.