April is more than the first full month of spring; it’s also National Holocaust Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month…YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!  It’s also the month you’ll find both Earth Day and Arbor Day – two of the biggest non-holidays of the year; you’re talking about two holidays that are celebrated with physical labor.  I guess April sucks.  But lucky for all of us, astrology is all about lying to yourself to make you feel better about how very awful your life really is.  So here are some lies to delude yourself with all month long.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19):That recurring pain is natural.  The fact that it only happens when you have to pee is nothing to worry about.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Just because you were too drunk to remember it, that doesn’t mean the sex wasn’t good.  I’m sure the other half would agree with me.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):No amount of debt is too much to get over.  Wait; how much did you say? Geez, you should buy something nice to make yourself feel better.

CANCER(June 21-July 22):I know you’re feeling lonely.  Just remember that, when you’re alone, you’re never alone.  And yet, you are alone…so very alone.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22):Lots of things come out of you when you poop.  Blood is just another “thing,” right?

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Just because you only recently noticed the lump, that doesn’t mean it’s a new lump.  I mean, hey, we’re full of lumps.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your car isn’t starting slower lately.  You only perceive it that way.  A mechanic would perceive it differently, but what does he know?

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):So your relationship is ending.  Well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.  But considering the high mercury content of most fish nowadays, I’d stick to chicken.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):Your job is safe, despite the rumors.  Most bosses like at least one lazy person around to keep things fun.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):Those new feelings you’re getting in public bathrooms don’t mean you’re gay.  They mean you’re curious.  Now, the dreams…?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):Your childhood was completely normal; there is no need to fear transferring all your mental dysfunctions on your children.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Why do you even bother worrying about your weight; you look fantastic.  Just look at that show with the gay guy telling fat chicks in their underwear how good they look.  That’s convincing, right?