It seems fitting that this month’s BACS honorable mention was arrested in the “wee” hours of St. Patrick’s Day. Just before 3am on March 17, the California Highway Patrol said “top o’ the morning” to Thomas Elliot, better known as Thomas Jane, actor and husband to Medium star Patricia Arquette.

According to initial reports, the CHP stopped the 39-year-old, B-list thespian on I-5 in Kern County, California after spotting his 2008 black Maserati traveling at “an extremely high rate of speed.” Subsequent reports indicate Jane was clocked at 124mph. They also say he was legally drunk. Too bad his pretend-psychic wife didn’t see that coming.

A cooperative Jane reportedly failed several field sobriety tests, including a Breathalyzer. He was later booked on counts of driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a blood alcohol level higher than 0.08 percent, and drug possession without a prescription.

Jane was also cited for driving with a suspended license, and he was released with a promise to appear in court. An arraignment has been set for April 9.

Arguably, Jane is most famous for starring as Frank Castle in The Punisher, a movie based on the Marvel Comics vigilante character. It would seem that Jane likes to occasionally punish his liver, too.

Anyone who has ever seen the film, which features copious shirtless, sinew-exposing scenes, knows Jane can get quite ripped. Now we know he likes to do it with alcohol in addition to weights.

In honor of Mr. Jane’s role as the Punisher, we’ve given each BACS contestant this month a comic book superhero identity. They may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but they can probably down tall drinks in a single swig. So it’s up, up, and away…!

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from February 25 – March 23, 2008.

10. Michael John C., 36, 1^st-offense DWI, hit and run, parked in a handicap slot, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

Evidently, Michael secretly yearns to be disabled. Therefore, he’s Blankman.

9. Ashley Leeann B., 22, 2^nd-offense DWI, disobeying a red light, driver’s license not in possession, insurance required, and hit and run.

All the guys know Ashley Leeann as Elastigirl. After drinking a magic potion or two, she tends to become extremely limber.

8. Kevin J., 33, 2^nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, one-way street violation, hit and run, aggravated flight from an officer, resisting an officer, and disobeying a red light.

In addition to possessing the power of flight, Kevin purportedly once suffered a horrific Flaming Dr. Pepper accident. That’s why his superhero identity is the Human Torch.

7. David M., 34, 3^rd-offense DWI, hit and run, driver’s license required, insurance required, and failure to report an accident.

Fortunately for David, his alter ego, Juggernaut, has superpowers that are quite useful for BACS competitors, including stamina, durability, and toxin resistance. On a side note, because of his penchant for mixed drinks, his friends sometimes call him “Jiggernaut.”

6. James Robert L., 28, 3^rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, speeding, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to change address on driver’s license.

James Robert is Plastic Man, because he usually pays his bar tab with American Express^®.

5. Marcus W., 28, 3^rd-offense DWI, hit and run, license plate required, and inspection sticker required.

Marcus is unable to handle his liquor. His secret identity is Nightcrawler.

4. Brian Joseph G., 25, 3^rd-offense DWI, speeding, refusal of breath test, and driver’s license not on person.

Since Brian Joseph drinks like a fish, he’s Aquaman. That might explain why he refused the breath test. Aquaman has gills.

3. Ernestine W., 59, 4^th-offense DWI, unlawful refusal to a chemical test, open container in vehicle, and resisting an officer.

Ernestine’s alter ego is Wonder Woman, because she makes people wonder how she can drink so damn much. Fortunately, her invisible jet has an autopilot feature. Unfortunately, folks on the ground can still see her puking in the bathroom in the back of the plane.

2. Johnnie Ray L., 34, 4^th-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and driver’s license required.

Johnnie Ray is Daredevil, not just because of his adventures in boozin’ & cruisin’, but because the Denham Springs resident reportedly was temporarily blinded after getting a hold of some bad moonshine.

1. Nicholas Alan K., 20, 3^rd-offense DWI, flight from an officer, resisting an officer, open-container violation, failure to yield to right of way, and possession, distribution, or manufacture of marijuana.

Shazam! Nicholas is Captain Marvel! He possesses fearlessness, invulnerability, measureless wisdom (imbued by cannabis), and the apparent ability to fly while being chased by police. Additionally, folks marvel at his precocious drinking ability.

Congratulations, Nicholas Alan. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.