By Scarlett Davis
Twenty-five. It is the age of the make or break.
The line in the sand. The moment of final desperation. It's the marrying age in
Baton Rouge.
OK, if you've been following along with me
for the past year, you'll know that I've only been a Red Sticker for a full
calendar year now. With that time has come a great deal of knowledge, pain, and
revelation. I've been denied sex by an otherwise normal man, disappointed in
bed, and left to crave, and now I have (hopefully) begun seeing someone truly
extraordinary. Throughout all of this, one theme has resonated with me as I
heard it echoed in each conversation: If you aren't married by the age of 25 in
Baton Rouge, there must be something seriously wrong with you.
How can that be? Why is that the cut-off
date? Who really believes this?
A few weeks ago, I frequented that same,
favorite, Perkins overpass bar for some spectacular brass/funk music on a
Wednesday night. The friends that joined me started joking around about their
single status. Before you jump into, "Oh, what women talk about when they
are alone," you should know that I was with two young, attractive men. (I
know, why wasn't I "with" one of those men? I was thinking the same
thing.) But they started talking about their respective dating lives and how
they were in this state of limbo with almost every girl they'd taken out
recently.
And then one of them said the most incredible
thing: "Well, I've passed the 25-year mark, so chances are, I'm not
getting married." What? When? Who? Why? How? Seriously?
When I was finally able to catch my breath
and ask what he meant, he responded, "Well, if you're not married by 25 in
this town, it means there's something wrong with you. You must be a freak or a
burden on society. You're done for."
So this is my plea to Baton Rouge: Are you
serious? Come the f–k on, B.R.! You can do better than that. The be all, end
all of life doesn't have anything to do with a diamond ring and a stroll down
the aisle. And why, why in the world does the cut-off for marriage fall at 25?
Just in case you think that this is a single
instance of the 25 cut-off being used in casual conversation, I have another
story that proves my point.
During one of my Friday lunches with a
fabulous girl a few years older than me, the subject turned to an industry
social event that she'd attended over the weekend. Most of the attendees, she
said, were right around her age – all well educated, gainfully employed,
social, normal beings. You get the point.
So there she was, walking around the room,
drinking cocktails, trying to mingle. The night started with the typical,
"Oh, where do you work?" opener. However, after only a few moments of
conversation, she was asked, "So, are your kids here tonight, too?"
Wait; hold the train. This is a gathering of
working professionals, all in the same industry. What ever happened to talking
shop? Where's all the polite chatter about new clients, old clients, annoying
interns, and the like? Come on, now.
The same thing struck her, but she played it
cool and just responded with an, "Oh, I don't have children."
Their response: "Why not?"
Why not? Why not? What do you mean? Isn't it
acceptable to not have children before you're 30?
OK, back on topic. She replied, "Because
I'm not married."
Their response: "Why aren't you
married?"
Again, what the f–k?
OK, so we were laughing, an awkward sort of
laugh, but a laugh nonetheless, while she told this story. And her comment to
sum it all up was, "Really, what do you expect a single person to say? If
I knew why I wasn't married, I wouldn't be single!"
While I totally agree with her on that part,
it still shouldn't matter. OK, now say you're in your 50s and you're not
married. Then I might ask why not. Otherwise, there's no excuse for that kind
of ignorance.
There also seems to be a lack of respect for
the sheer fact that someone just may not want to get married. You know, the
single life ain't all that bad. Friday night dates. Saturday afternoons free of
soccer practice and ballet rehearsals. Sunday afternoons walking the lakes,
enjoying the weather without worrying about having to make nice with your
in-laws. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Now, if you're married, just take a minute
and close your eyes. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Now think back, way back, to those
days before you were married. Remember all that fun. Remember all the excitement.
Remember all the freedom. It's a lovely picture, isn't it?
Don't get me wrong; I'm sure marriage is a
wonderful, spectacular thing, but not everyone is meant to be married by a
certain age. There is no cut-off date. There is no final call.
The really sad thing happens when we buy into
that standard of marriage by a certain age. The most heartbreaking thing I've
heard as of late is the story of a gorgeous girl in her late 20s who called a
friend to announce her engagement.
The friend asked, "Wait; I thought you
didn't love him."
The new fiancée’s explanation: "Well, I
don't, but I figured, why not?"
Seriously, break my heart and make me gag all
at the same time. I know that I talk about how difficult this all can be. I
know I bitch and complain about the horrors of bad dates and bad sex, but
really, really, this is going too far.
Baton Rouge, I have a request of you: Stop
giving up on life. Stop settling. And really, stop demanding that people play
into your standards just because they can be attributed to some ideal of the
American way.
People aren't perfect and life doesn't follow
a mold. Remember all that talk from your high school art teacher about how the
beauty is in the imperfection. Remember how your parents once told you that it
isn't loving the perfect parts but loving the whole person. Well, that's true
of life, too.
It isn't enough to just settle for what's in
front of you. Get up off your ass and live life by your own standards. Now, if
that still gets you married by the age of 25, OK. Fine. Wonderful. But the next
time you attend a cocktail party, don't abuse the single people by demanding to
know why they haven't yet started to breed. It just makes you look sad and
desperate to feel better about yourself.
And to everyone else out there approaching or
over 25, don't buy in. You're better than that, and there's nothing wrong with
you.
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May 02, 2008