Spring has finally sprung, and with it come the sweet flowers that bloom their pungent odors that stop up my nose and make me sneeze for hours at a time while loved ones stare aghast in horror. Those beautiful, pastel colors that fill a field just pull at your heart and make you yearn to run and play in the warm sun. That is, unless they’re the pastels of women in prairie dresses that are on my television yet again, reading their cult’s talking points and telling me that they are normal. Anyone who thinks dressing up in an 18^th-century dress and wearing an updo is normal is either living in her own little world or living on her own little ranch in Texas…

It’s not the dresses, or the 416 children, or even the media circus that has me entrenched in the drama that is surrounding the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), but the notion that more than one wife is normal, or even acceptable. Polygamy, or having multiple spouses, is illegal in all states, yet there are those who live on the fringe of society and have these multiple spouses. Just thinking of that drives me bat-nuts.

I have been married once and hope to one day repeat that act with another willing victim, but to have more than one wife at a time is insane. At home with your two wives, you are the loser of all arguments, because the girls will gang up on you. They have had all day to conspire against you, like two bored siblings in the back of a hot car on the way to Disney World^®. (Come to think of it, that might be the case for some of the FLDS “wives.”)

You thought you lived in a doghouse when Auntie Flo came once a month for a visit. Now, she tortures you twice a month, unless they both experience that gem at the same time. That would be the time to either buy chocolate in bulk or move out-of-state…twice as many “finger towels,” whatever the hell those things are, and twice as much Lifetime, Oxygen, and WE tv.

But at least there is twice the sex, right? Wrong. One will always be jealous of the other, and if you think pleasing one woman is a full-time job, two women who compare sex notes while you earn their paycheck is a nightmare. Some men are happy the pool boy is there to take care of the one wife.

Don’t forget the expense. My girl, thankfully, is low-maintenance, but if she was one of two, I wouldn’t even be able to afford ramen noodles to feed myself. Not that any of those men from the FLDS had to worry about any of the above, right? The women that they have at their “ranch” make the Consuming Fire Fellowship Pentecostals look like harlots and hookers. They sewed their own clothes and cooked and cleaned for their man, living with their husband in a small commune, giving birth every 10 or 12 months. I just can’t understand the sort of lifestyle that is promoted their religion, but I digress from the polygamy thing…

I guess that someone out there is screaming for freedom of religion, and I have to agree. But 1,700 acres in West Texas is not an independent state, nor should you allow multiple marriages when the law is clear that polygamy is illegal. On top of that, 50-year-old men “marrying” teenage girls are creepy, no matter what religion you are. If you are that hungry for young, virgin affection, become Muslim. At least, when you die slaughtering the unbelievers, you can have 72 of those virgins, and they are all wearing basically the same outfit, and you are out of the gene pool. At least I’ll have my one, normal, single wife that shows me some sexy elbow every now and then…