May is an exciting month, but only if you’re still in school, since you’re the only one getting any time off. For the rest of us, it means Mother’s Day, which means it’s time to whale on your promiscuous mothers once again.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your momma’s chest is so hairy her cleavage looks like coconuts.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your momma’s got five teeth: two in her mouth and three in her pocket.

CANCER(June 21-July 22): Your momma’s arms are so short she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Your momma’s so broke she goes to Popeye’s to lick other people’s fingers.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your momma’s so fat she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your momma’s so fat, when she stands in the left-turn lane, she gets a green arrow.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your momma’s so old her birth certificate is expired.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your momma’s so fat her bellybutton echoes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your momma’s so poor she uses Cheerios^®as earrings.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your momma’s so fat even her clothes have stretch marks.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your momma’s so stupid she trips over her cordless phone.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your momma’s so fat she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.