The Great Big Story

A team of physicists at Alabama’s Jacksonville State University announced in May they were developing “groundbreaking” technology that will allow them to travel into Ryan Perrilloux’s plane of reality.

Researchers said that, though still in the conceptual phase, they plan to construct a device capable of examining physical existence as experienced by Perrilloux, the nation’s top college quarterback who transferred to Jacksonville State last month after realizing LSU coaches were amusing themselves by obstructing his football career.

Mark Ayers, a Jacksonville State physics professor and project leader, said the research team hopes to have the device operational by this fall’s football season in which Perrilloux will win his sixth Heisman trophy and 18th national championship.

McCollister: “Jindal is in, so am I”

Sources close to Rolfe McCollister say the Baton Rouge publisher has begun writing his acceptance speech for a pending appointment to a high-ranking position in the federal government.

McCollister reportedly began crafting the speech after Gov. Bobby Jindal accepted presumed Republican presidential nominee John McCain’s invitation to spend Memorial Day weekend at his Arizona home.

The invitation, which obviously means Jindal will be McCain’s vice president, is a sure sign that Jindal “is only a few years from the White House himself,” McCollister told friends. That means, McCollister continued, that he probably will be nominated as secretary of defense or treasury, considering his vast expertise.

McCollister, Jindal’s gubernatorial campaign treasurer, is credited as the brilliant, Karl Rove-like political mastermind who engineered Jindal’s blistering defeat last fall over the fat, curly-haired New Orleans dude and the other guy with glasses from up around Natchitoches or somewhere.

Drivers Warned, “Tie It or Buy It” in Cops’ New Safety Campaign

Motorists caught behind the wheel with a slovenly, unprofessional appearance will be pulled over and ticketed in a new nationwide traffic safety campaign that began in May.

“Tie It or Buy It” requires male drivers to wear slacks and neckties, while women drivers with tube tops and miniskirts will be targeted.

“Casual motorist-wear has gone too far,” said East Baton Rouge Sheriff Sid Gautreaux. “It’s high time drivers start looking more professional, and Baton Rouge will do its part.”

Other prohibitions under “Tie It or Buy It” include sandals, jeans, shorts, shirts without a collar, dirty underwear, dirty fingernails, facial piercings, unpolished shoes, fishnet stockings, and Capri pants. Men cannot wear earrings and their hair must be above their ears and shirt collar, while women cannot wear dangling earrings or excessive makeup.

Ask “Off the Wire”

Dear Tony:

WTF?

Stacy Benson,

Gonzales bookkeeper

Dear Stacy:

IDK; Google™ it.

Ask “Off the Wire” by sending your questions to Red Shtick Magazine, and remember, you’re better off Googling it!

This Month’s Guest Columnist:

Tim Jerrells, Tara High School

Dad, can we talk? I have a problem. I mean a real crisis.

I know you might think, “How bad can a 16-year-old’s problems be?” But this is tearing me up inside, and I know that after the talk we had last month when you caught me smoking pot, you and Mom are so patient and understanding and that I can trust you.

This isn’t easy to say, Dad, but here goes: Some nights I watch Channel 2 news instead of Channel 9.

Now, before you say anything, I know 9 is the ratings leader and has been for years. I know that lives have been saved by Street Beat and Tumey’s Travels.

Don’t think I haven’t considered the consequences of my actions. Believe me, ever since I snuck into that gay rave at LSU and was gang-banged, I know all about consequences.

But Channel 2 is so balanced. They say it after each report, for God’s sake. Every time Veronica Mosgrove signs off live from the Capitol or Whitney Vann tests a consumer product against the manufacturer’s claims, I can tell, Dad: This balance is real.

I know how you and Mom feel: Channel 9 is Louisiana’s news channel, after all. Their coverage during the 2005 hurricanes kicked mighty ass, and they’ve got the awards to prove it.

It’s just that I know in my heart that what I feel toward Channel 2 is genuine. This isn’t like last summer when I impregnated the 40-year-old, mentally unbalanced woman next door, forcing you and Mom to pay for her abortion and relocation.

This is a feeling deep in my soul that Channel 2’s latest commitment to fair and unbiased journalism is real and not just a vapid slogan being sold by a hack consultant cashing in on his part in turning local TV news into shallow, cookie-cutter bullsh–t.

No, this is real, Dad. I know it. I can feel it.

Can you just talk to me?

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Last month’s feature on the Baton Rouge ExxonMobil refinery should have mentioned that the controlling condensate level in the LP steam condensate flash drum used a globe valve in a 4-inch pipe with a flow rate of 6,500 kilograms per hour.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Beans are legumes, not fruit, and they are not supernatural.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Donna Brazile and George Will do, in fact, make strange bedfellows.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.