Laser Tag Tournament to Decide New Assignments; Teepell Might Change Name to That of Older Brady Brother

Increasingly unsatisfied with his inner circle of advisors, Governor Bobby Jindal said in July he will reassign senior administration staffers based on their performance in a round-robin tournament of Laser Tag.

Jindal said the contest “will be made as fair as possible” by drawing teams based on an equal disbursement of physical and mental prowess.

Jindal cautioned, however, that if chosen as a running mate for presumed Republican presidential candidate John McCain, “screw the whole thing.”

Meanwhile, Chief of Staff Timmy Teepell reportedly is being accused by other staffers of “sucking up” to Jindal following rumors that Teepell is considering legally changing his name to Greg or Peter. Those were the elder brothers of TV’s Bobby Brady and Jindal’s chosen namesake.

Teepell told reporters in July that he’s made no final decision on the name change but that he always wanted to be called Greg. While sources within the administration complained of Teepell, others may be considering following suit.

According to one source, Melissa Sellers, Jindal’s press secretary, is considering changing her name to Marsha. That way, her monogrammed bath towels can stay the same.

McCollister Offers to Appease Angry Voters with Free Tickets

Baton Rouge publisher Rolfe McCollister offered in July to help defuse Louisiana residents’ anger with Gov. Bobby Jindal by getting free Sugar Bowl tickets for the state’s entire population.

McCollister, who served as Jindal’s gubernatorial campaign manager, reportedly offered to “pull a few strings” in June to soothe tensions over the controversial legislative pay raise issue.

Sources said, however, that Jindal quashed the idea, saying the move could backfire if, like last year, the bowl game fails to produce an intriguing matchup.

Lawyer: Client “Led On” by Dog

A Baton Rouge man allegedly caught having sex with his dog earlier this summer was led on, his lawyer claims.

Roger Freedman, an attorney for Alex Chaney, said in July that Chaney’s alleged sexual encounter with the animal followed intense mutual flirting that involved face-licking, butt-sniffing, and sitting on command.

Freedman also claimed the dog prepared for the encounter, showing up with a box of condoms, sexual aids, and Viagra^® pills.

“The bitch clearly knew what she was going for,” Freedman said. “And when she got what she wanted, she started yelling rape.”

In a brief statement, Amos Johnson, the dog’s attorney, said he would not dignify Freedman’s allegations with a response.

Sells Nears End of Career, Sensationalizing

In what friends describe as a poignant sign that George Sells realizes his retirement is nearing, the WAFB-TV news anchor has begun using hyperbolic descriptions of everyday objects and events.

One neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, said he was startled recently to hear Sells yelling outside his home.

“I stepped outside, and he was yelling to the garbage truck, ‘Goddam, that was a great pickup!’ Then he said, ‘Son of a bitch, that’s some smelly garbage you got there!’” the neighbor said, adding that Sells chased the truck for several blocks.

Another friend, who also asked not to be identified, said Sells shocked the Ruth’s Chris wait staff when he repeatedly shouted his enjoyment of a parmesan eggplant dish.

“I really feel for him,” the friend said. “It’s going to be so hard for him to just wake up one day and not be able to describe strangling as one of the most painful forms of death.”

Pennington Study: Louisiana Residents Nothing but a “Bunch of Fat Bastards”

An 18-month-long Pennington Biomedical Research Center clinical trial concludes that Louisiana is a bunch of disgusting, overweight pigs.

The study published last month provided conclusive evidence that the state’s affinity for fried fatty foods has left residents “nothing more than a listless pile of pathetic, fat bastards,” wrote nutritionist and lead author of the study, Dr. Hsu Yung Park. Some residents would deep-fry their immortal souls if they could, he said.

“The people here are swimming in so much saturated fat, they don’t need a diet, they need a goddam methadone clinic,” Park concluded.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

John Sinquefield, the state’s First Assistant Attorney General, is not now nor ever has been king of France.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Wow. I guess it turns out I am responsible for debts other than my own.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

That Yvonne Dorsey is, in fact, just too much.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.