For the last several editions of Red Shtick Magazine, this honorable-mention portion of the BACS has featured various drunk drivers from around the country, including a few celebrities. This month, however, we’re focusing on everyday folks from the Baton Rouge area, thanks to some exceptional boozin’ & cruisin’ done right here in the capital region.

First is 23-year-old Gina Schleusener. Early on the morning of August 10, she reportedly had a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent – almost double the legal limit – after driving the wrong way on the I-10 eastbound exit ramp at Perkins Road and colliding with another vehicle. According to an affidavit, paramedics transported her male passenger to a hospital for emergency surgery to repair a broken ankle suffered in the collision.

Eastbound, westbound, on-ramp, off-ramp. After a couple of kamikazes, it’s all the same.

According to booking records, Schleusener was booked into East Baton Rouge Parish Prison on charges of 2^nd-offense DWI, driving the wrong way on a one-way street, suspended driver’s license, insurance required, reckless driving, and negligent vehicular injuring.

Next is Donavenn Brooks of Jackson, Louisiana. The 31-year-old was charged on August 13 with driving while intoxicated, reckless operation of a motor vehicle, and possession with intent to distribute marijuana.

Zachary police officers Ty Stephens and Tandem Wilbur, who were investigating a one-vehicle crash at LA 64 and LA 964, smelled cannabis when a wrecker pulled Brooks’ 1998 Tahoe from a ditch. According to police, 52 bags of funky weed were found in a garbage bag on the vehicle’s back seat. It looks like Papa isn’t the only one with a brand new bag.

August was quite a prolific month for BACS candidates. In fact, on August 20, The Advocate reported six people were arrested for suspected DWI in East Baton Rouge Parish within a 24-hour period. This is nothing extraordinary, except for the fact that, of those six, two were charged with 1^st-offense DWI, one was charged with 2^nd-offense DWI, one with 3^rd-offense DWI, another with 4^th-offense DWI, and the sixth was charged with 5^th-offense DWI. That’s the cycle plus one!

Apparently, that anti-drunk-driving message from the Louisiana Highway Safety Commission isn’t that effective, after all. You know, the one with the chick bitching at her boyfriend right up until they get T-boned? It’s on YouTube under “World’s Worst Drunk Driving Public Service Announcement.”

It shows the girl in the passenger seat from the point of view of the unseen and unheard driver. As they drive down the street, she starts out gushing over how much fun she just had, but in the span of about 15 seconds, she manages to transform herself into a raving succubus.

The world-class script goes something like this:

That was such a fun party tonight, don’t you think? You know, you’re driving kinda … I didn’t think you had that much to drink tonight, but … but you’re drunk. Look, maybe I should drive. You know what, pull over up there. I want out. I can’t believe you would drive drunk. I can’t believe you would drive drunk with me in the car. You’re running a red light!

Brakes screech, a speeding van tags her door, and the screen goes black. Then the query “Had enough?” appears. The answer seems to be yes, the guy did have enough of her nagging. It’s no wonder he had so much to drink.

Seriously, though, there is a valuable lesson to be learned from this public service announcement. If you mysteriously find yourself in a vehicle with an intoxicated person behind the wheel, by all means, do not hassle him about driving drunk. The last thing he needs at that point is someone distracting him.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from July 21 – August 24, 2008.

10. Anthony James L., 29, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of drug paraphernalia, simple criminal damage to property, disturbing the peace, and entering or remaining after being forbidden.

Rookie Anthony draws three flags: illegal batting for criminal damage, unfair noise violation for disturbing the peace, and encroachment for entering the legal neutral zone.

9. Gregory Tyrone H., 42, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation, failure to maintain control, possession of marijuana, and distributing or manufacturing cocaine.

Gregory is penalized for sideline interference since he tried to snort the sideline. Meanwhile, the possession charge earns him a holding penalty. In fact, many of his friends say he’s almost always holding; that’s why they’re his friends. The penalty is half the distance to the bowl.

8. Maurice Anthony H., 24, 1^st-offense DWI, license plate switched, insurance required, driver’s license suspended or revoked, illegally carrying a weapon, felon in possession of a firearm, possession of marijuana, and plate cannot be observed.

There’s a ton of laundry on the field thanks to Maurice Anthony. We have a foul for failure to play with required equipment, a foul for playing with illegal equipment, and a foul for illegal substitution. Sorry, dude, but the license-plate-hideout trick play is against the rules.

7. Brent Michael M., 22, 2^nd-offense DWI, no-passing violation, seat-belt violation, driver’s license required, proof of insurance required, expired registration, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and possession of Schedule III drugs.

Here we have an illegal forward pass and possibly tripping, depending on what kind of Schedule III drugs Brent Michael was on.

6. Kevin G., 47, 3^rd-offense DWI, seat-belt violation, open-container violation, and intimidating a public official.

Kevin’s been flagged for taunting his arresting officer. Asking a cop, “Do you know who I am,” or threatening his job will draw a flag every time.

5. Joseph Michael L., 24, 3^rd-offense DWI and negligent/vehicular injuring.

Joseph Michael’s penalty is for unnecessary roughness.

4. Ali Mustafa G., 21, 3^rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, inspection sticker violation, and suspended or revoked driver’s license.

You would think, by now, someone at the mosque would have told Ali G. that alcohol is forbidden. Since drinking is against Islamic law, he’s penalized for illegal participation. If he’s not careful, his imam may kick him off the team.

3. Jason Hiram C., 26, 4^th-offense DWI and improper lane usage.

Improper lane usage? That’s pass interference.

2. Jarrett R., 26, 4^th-offense DWI, headlights required, driver’s license suspended or revoked, and open container in public violation.

Jarrett’s been called for excessive celebration. While some guys on the gridiron get called for that after spiking the ball, he gets it after spiking his drink.

1. Martin Robb S., 33, 5^th-offense DWI, refusal to submit to a chemical test, driving the wrong way on a one-way street, and reckless operation.

By driving the wrong way, Martin Robb has committed an illegal motion foul. For refusing to submit to a chemical test, he’s also flagged for delay of shame.

Congratulations, Martin Robb. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.