I may not be an expert on getting out of a DUI, but I have had a few experiences that may help you if you’re caught in a Driving Under the Influence situation.

If you’re a chick, you shouldn’t have a problem. Wait, let me rephrase that: If you’re a good-looking chick, you shouldn’t have a problem getting out of a little trouble with the law. But if you’re a guy (pre-op transvestites included) or an ugly chick, it’s going to be a little bit tougher to get out of a jam.

A couple of weeks ago, I was navigating my little pickup truck back to my house after a long day and night of extensive drinking and drugging. I had attended a funeral that morning and began drinking early in the afternoon. By midnight, I had a stomach full of Xanax^®, painkillers, and an assortment of cocktails, not to mention all the THC that my lungs had processed into my bloodstream. I was, simply, smashed.

I had left my friend’s house in downtown Hammond and stopped to have sexual intercourse with my girlfriend at her house (two blocks away). Then, I headed to my house, which was on the other side of town.

I had a 16-oz between my knees, a six-pack on the passenger seat, a bag of weed in the console, and a handgun under the seat. I made it as far as the SLU campus. That’s when I saw the blue lights in my rearview mirror. F–k!

At first, I thought, “He’s not pulling me over. I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I?” I grabbed the half-empty can and shoved it under my seat, then drove about half a mile before actually pulling over. Like I said, I didn’t think I had done anything wrong.

I pulled into a little Chinese restaurant parking lot. The cop followed and pulled in perpendicular to me, with his bright lights facing my driver’s side door. I immediately hopped out of my truck and started to walk toward the officer to take his attention away from the vehicle full of contraband.

He yelled something at me, but I couldn’t understand, so I froze and threw my hands in the air to show that I had no intention of pulling any kind of funny business. Then I told him that I was going to reach for my wallet, containing my license and proof of insurance. I moved closer and handed him the documentation.

Apparently, I was speeding, 60 in a 45. I was concentrating so much on keeping it between the lines that I didn’t realize how fast I was going. Once he saw that everything checked out, he lowered his tone and started asking me 50 questions.

“You know the speed limit?”

“Forty-five.”

“Where you headed?”

“Home.”

“Where do you live?”

“Right around the corner on David Street.”

“Where you coming from?”

“My girlfriend’s house.”

“Where’s she live?”

“Downtown, off of Robert Street.”

(It’s important to answer these first few questions quickly, without hesitation, because if you stumble on your words during the easy questions, it’s going to be hard for the cop to believe you when he asks the real questions.)

“Have you had anything to drink?”

“No, sir.”

“Is there anything in that vehicle that I should be concerned about?”

“No, sir.” (Remember to be polite, and do not hesitate.)

After that, he handed me my wallet and said, “Alright. Get on home and slow down.”

Whew! Holy sh–t! That was close. I must’ve had a horseshoe up my ass that night.

Okay. What have we learned today?

·         If you’re not a chick, be extra careful when driving drunk.

·         Don’t pull over right away. You don’t want to look any more guilty than you already are.

·         Put all illegal contraband out of sight, and don’t throw any obvious stuff out the window (bottles, cans, big bags of dope …). Don’t spend too much time hiding stuff: just throw a shirt or something over it, just so it’s not visible at first glance. If a cop searches your car, chances are, he’ll find even your best hiding spots.

·         Always get out of the car. This will help divert the cop’s attention away from your illegal sh–t. And have your license and insurance ready.

·         Answer questions quickly and directly, don’t stutter, and as much as it may pain you to do so, be polite. It works.

I can’t guarantee that these tips will work for you, but it’s something to keep in mind if you ever find yourself in a DUI situation.

Happy Friday.