Typically, it’s the actions of drunk drivers behind the wheel that earn them a mention in the BACS. This month, however, West Virginia’s Jose Cruz gets our honorable mention, thanks in great part to the legally unprecedented charges levied against him by law enforcement officers after his booking became a fetid fiasco.

According to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County, police stopped Cruz’s Mazda 626 on Route 60 in South Charleston after they observed him driving with his headlights off. Upon approaching the car, a patrolman “observed a strong smell of alcohol coming from the window of the vehicle.” This would prove to be only the first of many strong smells they would encounter that night.

Cruz subsequently failed a series of roadside sobriety tests, was arrested for DUI, and was transported to the police station for processing. That’s when, according to police, the episode turned rather foul, especially for Patrolman T.E. Parsons.

While being fingerprinted, Cruz allegedly “lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons” and “fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto Ptlm. Parsons.” The report also claims, “The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Ptlm. Parsons.”

Maybe Cruz misunderstood the instructions to blow into the Intoximeter and shot a taco torpedo at his arresting officer instead. In any case, he evidently released a bean bomber with the stopping power of tear gas, because his trouser cough earned him a charge of battery on a police officer.

Cruz’s nether belch was so strong, in fact, that he was not able to blow a sufficient amount of air into the machine. According to the report, “The defendant said he was having problems breathing due to asthmas.” Additionally, Cruz “wanted to be taken to the hospital” and “medics were called.”

Undoubtedly, “asthmas” is code for “gastronomical repercussion.” No self-respecting person would ever admit he couldn’t stand his own colon cologne, much less request medical attention after unwrapping an after-dinner mint.

Soon after the infamous air biscuit made national headlines, Kanawha County Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the battery charge against Cruz for blasting his butt trumpet at a cop. Pauley said his decision came after an assistant prosecutor requested that the charge be dropped. Of course, neither Pauley nor the assistant prosecutor were there when Cruz opened up that extremely potent bottle of Chanel No. 2.

In an interview with The Smoking Gun, the 34-year-old Cruz, who still faces charges of DUI and obstruction, admitted that he “farted multiple times,” but insists it “wasn’t directly in [the cop’s] face.” However, Cruz did admit he fanned the profound message from the interior toward the officer. “I said, ‘Here, put that in your Breathalyzer,’” Cruz recollected.

Cruz also claimed that his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. Let that be a lesson to all police officers that might take offense to strong guano talk: Unless you want to risk exposure to Cincinnati cyanide, suspects with emergent nitrogen nerve gas should be allowed to conduct chemical warfare in the bathroom.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from August 25 – September 21, 2008.

10. Anwar Mohamed Mohsen N., 27, 1^st-offense DWI and improper lane usage.

Anwar Mohamed Mohsen, you deserve an Abba-Zaba^®. By the way, you better hope your defense attorney does his homework to keep you out of jail. Otherwise, your cellmate may be a Republican who wants to drill in Anwar, in which case Abba-Zaba will be your only friend.

9. Genie S., 41, 1^st-offense DWI, following too closely, and resisting an officer.

Genie, who reportedly likes to get rubbed until something comes out, gets a bag of Bottle Caps^®.

8. Osvaldo P., 38, 1^st-offense DWI, hit and run, disturbing the peace by a simple drunk, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

¿Cómo está, Osvaldo? You get a box of Hot Tamales^®. Plus, since your arresting officer dubbed you a simple drunk, we’re throwing in a handful of Smarties^®. ¡Hasta luego!

7. Brantley R., 20, 1^st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, possession of Schedule III drugs, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Check it out, dude: You just scored a stash of Mary Janes^®.

6. Martin Luther V., 23, 2^nd-offense DWI, drinking in a motor vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

Martin Luther gets a King-sized anything.

5. John Sylvester W., 36, 3^rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended or revoked, failure to stop or yield, and violating a state of emergency proclamation.

Thufferin’ thuccotash! John Sylvester is worthy of a Kit Kat^®! 

4. Shannon Leigh C., 39, 3^rd-offense DWI, following too closely, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

When you follow too closely and crash your car, you get a big ol’ Nestlé^® Crunch^®. If the damage is really bad, you also get a bunch of Reese’s Pieces^®.

3. Christopher Aaron C., 25, 3^rd-offense DWI, driving over median, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

Because of his crazy, zigzag style of driving, Christopher Aaron gets a Zagnut^®.

2. Leo H. III, 36, 4^th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and expired license plate.

Leo forgot to renew his license plate? A move like that deserves Goobers^®.

1. Joshua Aaron I., 26, 4^th-offense DWI, resisting an officer, and expired inspection sticker.

Joshua Aaron, this month’s winner of the Judge Don Johnson Trophy, gets a bag full of Zero^® candy bars.

Congratulations, Joshua Aaron. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.