Kirstie Alley, the actress best known for her roles in the TV shows “Cheers” and “Veronica’s Closet,” has gained an enormous amount of weight lately. So much so that she has become the darling of the supermarket tabloids, which put her weighing in at somewhere between 203 pounds and 307 pounds, depending on which tabloid you believe.

Of course, 307 pounds is just a "drop in the feed trough" to Patrick Deuel, 42, of Valentine, Nebraska. According to a story from the Associated Press, Patrick weighed 1,072 pounds when he was admitted to a Sioux City, South Dakota hospital in June. As of August 12, he had lost 321 pounds, which would equal at least one Kirstie Alley, no matter which tabloid you believe. He hopes to lose 450 pounds more. If successful, this would add up to a total weight loss of 771 pounds, which would be nearly equivalent to four Kirstie Alleys. However, Patrick failed to qualify for the Olympic Weight Gaining Competition. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the record for the heaviest man in the world is 1,397 pounds, held by Jon Brower of Bainbridge, Washington (town motto: "We’re Big in Bainbridge!").

Not since Oprah Winfrey gained weight and then went on a diet and lost weight, and then gained weight back again and then went on a diet and lost weight again, and then gained that weight back and then went on a diet and lost it again, etc., has the public been so fascinated with a public figure’s weight.

While doing the research for this article, which consisted of me quickly thumbing through both of those tabloids while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store, I looked up and noticed a man in the checkout line next to me with an enormous stomach. He had his shorts pushed down below his belly, which hung over his belt. Many men employ this method of weight control, or what should be more properly referred to as "weight adjustment." It works like this: As a man gets older and starts putting on weight, his waistline gets bigger. Instead of buying new clothes with a bigger waistline, he keeps wearing the same size and just keeps pushing his pants down further and further, below his ever-expanding stomach, until the front of his shorts are down to his privates. This serves two purposes: First, it saves him money on clothes, and second, it has a soothing affect on his ego. "I’m still wearing the same waist size I did in high school! But I have noticed lately that I can’t see my feet when I stand up."

Even "the King," Elvis Presley, had a weakness for eating towards the end of his life. Before he died, he was one of the biggest rock stars ever, even bigger then the rock singer who goes by the name "Meat Loaf." This is surprising, because with a name like "Meat Loaf," you would think he would be the biggest.

Thin was not always "in." In days of old, a woman with a little fat in reserve was considered healthy and attractive. Take a look at a few pictures of Marilyn Monroe. Those legs would be considered chunky by today’s standards. Or, if you want to go back even further in history, take a trip to the 16th century in the Renaissance section of an art museum. I had never set foot in an art museum until a few years ago when my wife, Rosa, became a big impressionist art fan. Those are the paintings by people like Monet and Van Gogh that look like out-of-focus pictures of something or other. I don’t know what Van Gogh’s problem was, but Monet had extremely poor eyesight, which accounts for the fuzzy pictures he painted. If there had been lasik eye surgery in Monet’s time, instead of being hailed as an artistic genius, he would have been lucky to get a job drawing courtroom scenes for the news. Most of you will remember Van Gogh as the one who cut off his ear and gave it to a girl. Today, he would probably be diagnosed as bipolar. But back in his time, he was just an eccentric artist who was missing an ear.

While Rosa spends most of her time in the impressionist section of the art museum, I usually wander over to the Renaissance paintings, for two reasons. First, they actually look like real people and real objects that exist on this planet. Second, there are lots of naked women in Renaissance paintings. If an impressionist artist ever draws a picture of a naked woman, you end up straining your eyes, trying to decipher exactly what it’s a painting of. "I think it’s a painting of a bowl of fruit! No, it’s a piece of furniture! An armoire, maybe!"

And just look at the size of those hips on those naked Renaissance women who, by 16th century standards, were considered beautiful. Obviously, all that curds and whey they were eating must have gone right to their hips! In medieval times, no man wanted a woman who looked like today’s models – women who are so thin that they would blow away when the first potato famine came along. As time went on, gummy worms, Cheetos, and Skittles replaced potatoes as staples of the American diet. Soon, nobody cared if those potatoes starved or not!

Luckily, in the sixties, the fashion industry came out with the skinny-as-a-rail model named "Twiggy." She looked like she hadn’t eaten a potato, Skittle, or any other food, for that matter, in years. I say “luckily,” for with all the junk food then becoming readily available, everyone would have eaten themselves into life-sized replicas of Jabba the Hutt, if not for this emaciated role model. The "Barbie Doll" was also becoming very popular around that time. Barbie, if she was a real woman, would proportionately have measurements of 39/21/33, according to the History Channel’s website. The Barbie Doll made cosmetic surgery one of the "growth industries" of the last few decades. Women played with these dolls as little girls and grew up to have perfectly normal bodies, but they thought there was something terribly wrong with them, because their boobs were not as big as bowling balls.

But getting back to Kirstie Alley…she’s finally decided to "come out of the closet" and talk openly about her weight. (It’s probably a good idea that she has come out of the closet. If she doesn’t stop eating soon, she won’t be able to make it out of the closet.) She’s currently plugging her new Showtime reality comedy series. Titled (I’m not making this up) "Fat Actress," it’s about the life of, well, a fat actress.

Through my extensive contacts in Hollywood, I have in my possession the plot outline for Kirstie’s new show, which I will now share with you as a “Mental Vacation” exclusive:

FAT ACTRESS

"One Woman’s Insatiable Lust for Food"

Premise: This show will accentuate the sensuous aspect of eating. It’s a story of one woman with an insatiable passion for food...an appetite that can never be fully satisfied...each meal only fueling the desire for another meal...and another...and still another.

SCENE ONE – Breakfast. Kirstie takes a trip to Waffle House, tortured by unspeakable desires that can only be satisfied by a pecan waffle with eggs and sausage. Her senses reeling, she trembles as she reaches for the maple syrup, which she pours over a waffle already smothered with butter. Soon, she’s in ecstasy.

SCENE TWO – Morning Snack. Kirstie gets the hungries around 10:00 a.m. and stops at a Baskin & Robbins to sensuously lick a triple-scoop ice cream cone.

SCENE THREE – Lunch. Kirstie tries to be strong but finally succumbs to the temptation for a super-sized Big Mac Meal. "I must have you," she hoarsely whispers to her Big Mac. "Oh my God, these fries are so good! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

SCENE FOUR – Afternoon Snack. The seductive eating of a banana.

SCENE FIVE – Dinner. Kirstie cannot drive by the KFC without coveting a bucket of chicken. (Close-up of her sucking chicken juice off her fingers.)

SCENE SIX – Bedtime Snack. There’s still a couple of drumsticks left!

Well, as you can see, the life of an overweight celebrity can be pretty exciting. I’m sure her show will be a big hit.

Do you know how many Kirstie Alleys it takes to equal the weight of one male African elephant? If you think you know the answer, email us. All readers who give the correct answer will receive the next issue of Red Shtick Magazine absolutely free!