In this column, I will be doing reviews of new music, DVDs, books, restaurants, movies, concerts, and anything else my friends do. I like hearing about stuff, but when it comes to actually doing things, well, I don’t. Occasionally, I will form an opinion based on little or no actual knowledge, but for the most part, I live vicariously through those around me.

Movies

This month’s first movie is Wolf Creek. I heard this movie sucks. Apparently, the most suspenseful part of this movie is trying to figure out what the hell they are talking about. It seems this is an Australian film, so they all talk funny. A boot is a type of footwear, not the trunk of a car. I also heard there is a lot of sexual tension between the characters, but no actual sex. If that doesn’t prove it’s garbage, how about multiple Crocodile Dundee references; maybe that’s where the horror part comes from…

Chronicles of Narnia is also in theaters. The books were good; well, at least the CliffsNotes® were. My friend Scott said the movie was good, but he is a huge stoner, so it may just be pretty to look at.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2: Do we really need a sequel to what looked like a horrible movie to begin with? Steve Martin ceased being relevant even before Chevy Chase did. I am going to go out on a limb and say this movie is probably going to be awful.

DVDs

The Dukes of Hazzard is out on DVD, and it’s unrated. I guess that means they threw in some random topless women; unless Jessica Simpson is one of them, it probably isn’t worth it. I looked at the box in Wal-Mart and they have director’s commentary, because apparently, it isn’t bad enough to merely watch crap on a screen, but we should hear somebody describe his vision for the aforementioned crap. I will probably get it, though, just to see places that I see driving around every day on TV.

War of the Worlds is also out on the small screen. Tom Cruise sucks, his movies suck, and his religion sucks. He should have retired after The Outsiders.

Music

I think Nickelback has a new CD out. I usually don’t listen to music on the radio; I’m a sports talk guy. But I was flipping around during commercials and heard this awful squalling about a picture or something. I only heard about 10 seconds before blood started trickling out of my ears. This album has to be garbage. If this is the single, then you know the rest must be an abomination to all things lyrical.

I saw a Shakira video and the sound was muted; it was great. A friend of mine said she has a good voice, so maybe you should check her out. I won’t promise anything, but the CD probably has a picture of her on the cover, so that could make it worth it.

Green Day still sucks. They should have quit after Dookie. It isn’t fair that Stevie Ray Vaughan’s helicopter crashed and these no-talent asshats are allowed to continue breathing.

Books

I saw the new James Patterson book Mary Mary in front of the bookstore I have to walk past to get to the food court at the mall. The cover looked very suspenseful, so I would say it’s a good book. Usually, books are too long for me, so I listen to them on CD. Who am I kidding? I don’t read or listen to them, but a friend of mine says James Patterson is good. My friend wears glasses, so that means he is smart.

The Web

Kevin Federline has launched his website – www.kevinfederline.com – which features clips of his upcoming rap album. This should be some of the greatest comedy of the century. It is already my new home page.

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