Looks like the wily veterans have had enough of the young guns getting all the attention. Last issue’s winner of the Judge Don Johnson trophy was only 24 years old, but he took the trophy with his seventh DWI and unprecedented creativity.

This issue’s top ten participants in Louisiana’s X-Games range in age from 28 to 52. Sure, anyone can rack up four DWIs before the age of 22 when we’re all young and stupid, but let’s see what kind of game you have in about 15 years.

The contenders in this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship Series exemplify the true meaning of consistency. Two rookies made the cut, but only because of extraordinary effort undertaken to “blow” past the more experienced accused drunk drivers.

You also may note a theme in the ancillary charges – drugs. Four of our top ten were charged with some form of drug possession. Forty percent sounds like a lot, but performance-enhancing drug use by our gifted “athletes” is not as prolific as steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Our top ten players were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 6 through March 19, 2004.

10. Benny B., 49, 2nd-offense DWI, following too close to another vehicle, and hit and run.

Benny knows that the competition is right on his heels. That’s probably why he was following too closely; he doesn’t want to get left behind the pack. He also knows that, if you hit someone while drunk, the worst thing you can do is stick around to take responsibility for it.

9. Howard B., 48, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended or revoked, and no proof of insurance.

Who says wisdom comes with age? Howard’s 48 with his 4th DWI. One word: consistency, baby. Like Mike Ditka says in the Levitra commercial, he just wants to stay in the game.

8. Jason Eric R., 29, 4th-offense DWI and driving left of center.

At 29, Jason Eric may already have his 4th DWI, but he made a common rookie mistake. Driving left of center will get you pulled over every time. Unfortunately, no other charges were issued. Better luck next time, kid.

7. Stanley P., 28, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended or revoked, open container violation, and improper lane usage.

Stanley, our youngest contestant, just can’t seem to get enough of the pimp juice. He also refuses to let a petty thing like a suspended license get in the way of his dream.

6. Hayes Melvin D., 41, 3rd-offense DWI, obstruction of a public highway, driver’s license suspended or revoked, and possession of marijuana.

Hayes – what a name for the BACS. Most of our participants were in a haze when they were arrested. While most men his age are going through a mid-life crisis, he’s got his eye on the prize – which is tough to do when you’re so stoned that you’re seeing double.

5. Shawn Lawrence T., 34, 3rd-offense DWI, speeding, reckless operation, driver’s license suspended or revoked, and possession of marijuana.

Shawn Lawrence must have been in a hurry to get home and roll a fatty. He’s 34 and got busted with pot on his 3rd DWI arrest. We’ll probably hear more about him later.

4. Donald Wayne W., 52, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation, insurance required, possession of cocaine, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Now that’s more like it. If a newbie wants to break into the top five, he’s got to have the goods. Who needs dope? At 52, Donald Wayne is still living in the seventies and making up for lost time.

3. Roy Ovester M., 38, 1st-offense DWI, felon in possession of a firearm, distributing/manufacturing a Schedule I drug (marijuana), possession of a firearm with drugs, and obstruction of the roadway.

Holy crap! Don’t mess with this bad-ass. Guns. Drugs. Booze. Hanging around this guy has to be like being in a Benicio del Toro movie. It’s hard to believe this is his 1st DWI. Maybe he likes to stay sober for better aim.

2. Michael G., 35, 5th-offense DWI and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.

You know the competition is stiff when a 5th DWI doesn’t top the list. Michael should get a trophy, nonetheless, just for still being alive after five. At 35, this dude’s a true contender.

1. Charles W., 33, 6th-offense DWI, seat-belt violation, and stopping, standing, or parking.

Only 33 and this guy has 6 DWIs. While this isn’t unprecedented, it is still impressive. Who needs a seat belt while living such a charmed life? Besides, Charles doesn’t care about the laws of the road; why should he care about the laws of physics?

Congratulations, Charles. You’ve won the this installment of our Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply cut it out from this page. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.