It is a fact acknowledged by many that Valentine’s Day sucks. If you are single or have recently been dumped, the holiday only serves to remind you what a loser you are and that you are pathetically alone. If you have a significant other, the pressure of being romantic for at least four hours can make this day of love a living hell.

So I, in my own small way, am going to try to help those who would like to rebel for the holiday and take back this day for the unloved, unwanted, or simply unromantic by giving you a list of some of the best ANTI-Valentine’s Day songs ever. Some of these songs are bitter, some are funny, but all of them express the downside that can come from loving another. So sit back and enjoy this list of songs for those who are tired of love.

First, we will start off with “(I Hate) Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe. This rant against love is non-discriminatory; not only does the singer hate the person he is singing to, but he also hates her family. I know that I always smile when he sings, “I don’t like a thing about your sister…‘cause I…think sex is overrated, too.” Ouch.

Probably one of the angriest songs about someone who has been jilted in love is “Song for the Dumped” by Ben Folds Five. With lyrics like “Well f–k you too/Give me my money back/Give me my money back/You bitch,” there is little doubt how little this song thinks of love.

And ladies, don’t think that I am leaving you out just because the first two songs were by men. Few songs can manage to portray the vengeful rage that a dumpee can feel better than Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know.” When she practically growls out the lyrics “…you told me you’d hold me until you died…but you’re still alive,” it doesn’t take someone of great depth to realize that she is very angry over the fact that he is still breathing.

Wanting your loved one to die or simply not be around is a common theme in anti-love songs. Take the song “Dead Flowers” by the Rolling Stones. This song should be in the list for the title alone, but with verses like “Send me dead flowers to my wedding/And I won’t forget to put roses on your grave,” it also makes the list for the sheer poetry of venom in its lyrics. Not to be outdone are Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers with “Don’t Come Around Here No More.” Need I say more?

There are also songs for those who are in a relationship that has stopped being candy and flowers. Joan Jett belts out, “I hate myself for loving you/Can’t break free from the things that you do/I wanna walk but I run back to you that’s why/I hate myself for loving you” in the song “I Hate Myself for Loving You”; and local band Dash Rip Rock bewails a fate feared by many men in their song “Pussywhipped.”

Rock is not the only genre to create the anti-love song. Although country music is more known for its brokenhearted love songs than for its angry ones, it also has its share of angry lovers. Travis Tritt makes the list with his song “Here’s a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares),” and “Blame It on Your Heart” by Patty Loveless is one of the best examples of the rage felt by anyone who has ever been cheated on. When she sings, “Are you headed for a heartache…Gonna get a bad break…You made a bad mistake…you’re never gonna find another love like mine,” I just want to stand up and cheer. Possibly the ultimate angry country song is Garth Brooks’ “(I’ve Got) Friends in Low Places,” but you need to listen to the live version that he does in concert, where he tells his ex to “kiss my ass!”

For those who are more culturally inclined, Broadway has a smorgasbord of anti-love songs. Some of the best are by Cole Porter. In the show Kiss Me Kate, a musical remake of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew, both protagonists sing of their disdain for love and matrimony. Kate sings her song of “I Hate Men,” while Petruchio bemoans the night before his wedding over his life of freedom that is about to end in the song “Where Is the Life that Late I Led?”

Not to be left out of the anti-love songs are Broadway legends Rogers and Hammerstein. In their rendition of Cinderella, they have the wicked stepmother singing of marriage to her two daughters in the song “Falling in Love with Love.” With lyrics that tell the girls “Falling in love with love is playing a fool…Learning to trust is just for children in school,” there is little love lost in this song.

And finally, for those who like their anti-love songs in another language, there is opera. One of the best anti-love songs is from the opera La Traviata. In its aria “E Strano,” the heroine Violetta, in one of the most challenging arias ever written for a soprano, denounces love and all its chains, proclaiming that true happiness is to be found only by being free and loving freely. (One of the first songs to ever proclaim, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with,” and mean it in its most physical sense. And you thought opera was boring.)

Well, there you have it, folks: just a sample of songs for those of you, like me, who have decided to denounce the love song this Valentine’s Day in favor of the anti-love song. Oh! By the way, Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!

If you’re in a local band and want a taste of Carole’s medicine, send her a demo or let her know when and where she can check you out.

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