Governor Kathleen Blanco has been quietly seeking substance-abuse treatment at California's famed Betty Ford Clinic since mid-April, according to well-placed sources in her administration.

A senior-ranking official, speaking to Red Shtick on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Blanco has developed a mind-numbing dependency on diction-improvement audiocassettes.

"She's hooked on phonics in the worst way," said the source.

The official said Blanco ordered the tapes in September to improve her self-confidence during national media appearances in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Senior staffers noticed that, months later, and with little or no improvement in her elocution, Blanco was still listening to the tapes.

"She couldn't put the tapes down. We tried to tell her she had a problem," the source said. "She kept promising she would quit. But then we caught her in her limo, free-basing diphthongs and consonant blends."

Denise Bottcher, a spokeswoman for Blanco, said the governor is "seeking help for an undisclosed health problem." But Bottcher refused to comment further.

Blanco has said she will seek re-election, and Bottcher said those plans have not changed. Political observers in Louisiana have speculated Blanco could face New Orleans-area Congressman Bobby Jindal in a runoff.

At press time, Jindal was performing a Roman Catholic demon-exorcism ritual and could not be reached for comment.

EBR's New Garbage Cans Find Unique Use

A friendly game of hide-and-seek turned frightening for a Broadmoor family when 8-year-old Eric Nguyen found himself marooned at the parish landfill for more than 12 hours.

Nguyen, who friends and family members described as "super-competitive," was playing the game in late May with six other neighborhood boys and hid himself in one of the parish's new waste-disposal bins.

"The cans were still pretty new at that point," Nguyen said later, after reuniting with his family. "There was cruddy fish stuff on the bottom, but it still smelled OK."

Baton Rouge Police Sgt. Don Kelly said the crisis began when the other six boys had returned to base, a plastic statue of the Virgin Mary in 7-year-old Brandon Clement's yard, but Nguyen still had not been located. The remaining players all returned home at dusk, convinced Nguyen had done the same, Kelly said.

But a frantic search began around 9pm that night when Nguyen still had not turned up. At midnight, police issued a statewide Amber Alert.

"I could hear people outside shouting my name," Nguyen said. "But I stayed right in that garbage can. I figured, ‘Brandon and the other guys are always trying to trick me because I'm Asian.' I was going to show them that I really am smarter."

Nguyen said he fell asleep, roused early the next morning when the parish garbage truck's new mechanical arm grabbed the can and dumped the load. For two hours, Nguyen said, he dodged garbage and debris dumped into the truck before being unloaded with the rest of the refuse at the landfill.

"I walked all the way to the landfill office, but the men wouldn't let me use the phone at first. They said I smelled too bad and thought I was begging for money."

Through an interpreter, Nguyen's grandfather said he was relieved to know his grandson was alive and healthy.

"You bring shame and dishonor to your family," said Phong Nguyen. "After a bath, you will be banished to the realm of spirits and ghosts."

LSU to Tsunami: "You Just Got F–ed in the A–"

It appears as though Tsunami, the trendy Baton Rouge sushi bar, "just got f–ed in the a–," said Laura Lindsey, director of the LSU Museum of Art and de facto Tsunami landlord.

"Oh, yeah? Well, yo' momma is so fat, they don't let her wear Malcolm X jackets, ‘cause the helicopters be trying to land on her back," responded Tsunami co-owner Leah Simon.

"Yeah, well, I saw yo' momma kicking a can the other day," Lindsey shot back. "I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was moving."

"Oh, snap! No, you di'nt," added LSU Chancellor Sean O'Keefe.

June Lineup on Loco Larry's Discount Cable Channel 4:

Mon.-Fri., 10am: Scott Rogers' Oh, You're a Cheeky Tart!

Tues., 7pm: Drunk and Abusive: The Tiger Stadium Files

Wed., 7pm: Killing Krap with Kevin Ford

Thurs., 6pm: This Week in Baton Rouge Odors

Fri., 10pm: Woody Jenkins is Funky Walkin' and Dirty Talkin'

Sat., 11pm: Touch My Briefs: Sexy Legal Chat with Locke Meredith

Sun., 10am: Lee Feinswog's All-Star Seder

Movie of the Month: Hummalabeebalabop: The David Lee Roth Story

NATIONAL SCENE

OSHA to Oversee Porn

Reacting to mounting complaints over eye safety, representatives for the Occupational Safety and Health Administration confirmed in May the federal agency will begin regulating the nation's pornography industry.

Donning rubber gloves, OSHA Undersecretary Claude Nessbaum said performers likely will be required to wear safety goggles or other forms of eye protection, beginning this fall.

"I can't tell you how many actors – women and, unfortunately, a growing number of men – have been blinded by what's known in the industry as ‘facials,'" Nessbaum said. "The cruel irony is that, on the receiving end, the term ‘money shot' is an apt one, because it deprives these people of their eyesight and their ability to make a decent living…well, a living, anyway," he added.

Porn star Swingy-Boobs McShagme, president of the Adult Movie Actors Guild, or SEXY, said her colleagues welcome OSHA's involvement.

"Despite what you see onscreen, it's gooey and it stings," McShagme said.

Corrections

That twenty-something behind the register at Imelda's on Wednesday afternoons does, in fact, have a real Versace purse. It's that other jailbait twenty-something, the one who comes in on weekends, who's the dirty little liar.

"Off the Wire" regrets the error.

A typical soda can can, in fact, be turned into a functional bong. Research (and we mean an ass-load of research) proves all that's needed is, indeed, a Phillips screwdriver or other pointed metal tool and a cigarette lighter.

"Off the Wire" regrets the error.

Walter Monsour, Chief Administrative Officer of the City-Parish, does not suffer from adverse reactions to flatulence. Monsour's constitution handles breaking wind as well as anyone.

"Off the Wire" regrets the error.

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