In the illustrious history of Red Shtick Magazine, no one has ever managed to garner two stints as our “Brown I.” There’s always a first time, though, and that time is now. New Orleans District Attorney Eddie Jordan now holds the distinction as the only person to be featured in “Sphincter Spotlight” twice.

This time, the former U.S. Attorney who successfully prosecuted Edwin Edwards is catching heat for dropping several high-profile cases involving violence and murder in the CrescentCity like bad habits. In the midst of the post-Katrina rebuilding effort, the last thing the murder capital of the world needs is a seemingly incompetent and lazy DA.

After the hurricane two years ago, leaders and citizens implored the rest of the country to not forget about The Big Easy. They’ve gotten their wish, because media entities like The New York Times and CNN regularly feature stories about the city’s problems, including its escalating murder rate. It seems Anderson Cooper is there almost every other week in the name of “keeping them honest.” He probably spends more time in the city more than Mayor Nagin, but that’s not really saying much.

Speaking of Mayor McChocolate, he asked Louisiana Attorney General Charles Foti to launch an investigation into Jordan’s actions after the former fedora-donning brother dropped murder charges against 20-year-old Michael Anderson, who allegedly slaughtered five teenagers in the 2006 Central City Massacre. In a written statement, Nagin said, “This failure to follow through encourages lawlessness and leads law-abiding citizens to feel unsafe.” Impressive, Mr. Mayor. Maybe you should stick to written statements. It’s much harder to stick your foot in your mouth that way.

Jordan said he dismissed the 1^st-degree murder charges because his office was unable to locate a key witness who claimed she saw Anderson gun down his victims at Josephine and Danneel Street. Apparently, Jordan infuriated the city’s police department by making the announcement of his decision to drop the case without even a simple courtesy call to them first. Within hours, NOPD Superintendent Warren Riley held a news conference, at which the homicide unit presented the very witness that Jordan’s office deemed elusive and uncooperative.

Where was this stealthy character hiding? In a spider hole in Western Iraq? In a mountainous cave in Tora Bora, Afghanistan? Try right here in Baton Rouge.

This all came on the heels of Jordan dropping another high profile, single-witness murder case. In that one, Jordan dropped charges against 17-year-old David Bonds, who stood accused of killing the Hot 8 Brass Band’s drummer, Dineral Shavers, in December last year.

Jordan punted the Bonds case because the mother of a witness refused to allow her child to testify. Superintendent Riley, however, said his investigators located other willing witnesses. Furthermore, the victim’s sister, Nakita Shavers, said she and Crimestoppers have teamed up to produce reward money in order to persuade more witnesses to come forward.

Riley called the Bonds case “clear-cut.” He also said, “There should be no way out for Bonds. There are too many people who saw that incident.”

You can’t help but feel for Riley, whose job is to enforce the law in a city where the criminal element is emboldened by the dismissal of cases at the first sign of substantial difficulty. In his words, “Criminals do not fear our criminal justice system.” Can you imagine trying to run a police department where people feel it’s easier to get away with murder than get out of a parking ticket?

In addition to the mayor and the police superintendent, other city leaders have expressed outrage over Jordan’s actions, including Councilwoman Shelley Midura and Councilman Arnie Fielkow. Midura has twice requested that Jordanresign, while Fielkow told Jordanthat he’s facilitating the exodus of discouraged residents fleeing a crime-ridden community.

At the rate it’s going, the only people who’ll rebuild their homes in Orleans Parish are those who can afford bulletproof glass windows and Kevlar^®-coated sheetrock. A machine-gun turret in the chimney might be a good idea, too.

Jordan’s ineffectiveness isn’t isolated to just these few cases. During his five years in office, his conviction rate has been horrible at best. For example, of the city’s 162 murder cases in 2006, his office achieved a staggering single conviction. One conviction. Three Dog Night was right: One is the loneliest number.

In his defense, Jordan claims that his office at Tulane and Broad is in desperate need of support staff. Prosecutors reportedly spend up to 75% of their time performing menial clerical and secretarial duties that lawyers don’t normally perform.

In our opinion, as well as that of many others, Jordanhas no one to blame for his woes but himself. When he took office, he swiftly fired scores of support employees left over from the previous regime of Harry Connick, Sr., including 25 of 31 investigators, whose duties include finding evidence and tracking down witnesses.

By the way, all 53 of those sh–t-canned employees were white. That action prompted a federal lawsuit, as well as Jordan’s initial stint as Sphincter Spotlight. (FYI, 17 months later, Jordan still hasn’t paid those folks the $3.4 million in back pay and benefits as ordered by a U.S. District Court jury.)

According to Jordan, his staff needs nearly superhuman powers to get convictions. Said Jordan, “Our prosecutors not only have to be great lawyers, they have to be almost magicians in order to keep things together.” From the looks of it, they are magicians. They sure know how to make things disappear. Witnesses, murder cases, the integrity of the DA’s office all vanish in an instant at Tulane and Broad.

If Jordan wishes to improve the image of his office, maybe he should ask Attorney General Foti for an infusion of dogged determination. That way, instead of dismissing a case after encountering a few hurdles, he’ll prosecute defendants until the cows come home, even when there’s little or no evidence to back up the charges. Common sense, public opinion, and a grand jury’s no true bill be damned!