The Great Big Story

BATON ROUGE – Calling it “quite simply a coup,” LSU Chancellor Sean O’Keefe announced last month the university ended its long-running search for a new system president by hiring the Rancor to succeed William Jenkins.

“While the university family was blessed to have President Jenkins, we’re overjoyed to replace him with someone of such impeccable character,” O’Keefe said. “LSU is truly destined to become one of the world’s greatest institutions of higher learning.”

The Rancor is expected to be installed in early 2008 after a hyperdrive transfer from his home planet of Dathomir in the Quelii Sector. O’Keefe said LSU system board members can expect the Rancor to impose strict discipline, as those who disagree with the new president likely will be eaten.

Boasso Threatens “Heartache Tonight”

CHALMETTE – In a grim harbinger of the dirty campaigning in this fall’s gubernatorial race, Democratic Sen. Walter Boasso threatened last month to reunite The Eagles if he is not elected to the Governor’s Mansion.

Boasso, who has trailed Republican Congressman Bobby Jindal in early polling, warned supporters that, if he is not sent to Baton Rouge this fall, he will call on aging Eagles members to resume touring, subjecting the world yet again to their country-music-inspired ballads of unrequited love and lyrical introspection of 1970s-era hedonistic narcissism.

“It’s not like Joe Walsh has a lot to do these days,” Boasso admonished his election staff. “You’ll hear that goddamn single from The Long Run so many times, you’ll want to slit your wrists.”

Channel 9 Meteorologist: “I’m Almost Out of Time”

Listen up. I’m almost out of time. They’re closing in on me. Maybe just a click or two behind. No! Stay away from the window!

I took out as many as I could. I popped three in the airport parking lot and ran over two more with an SUV I took from a Hispanic lady. But they just keep coming.

Now, listen…. Look at me and focus! You’ve got to find a way to contact the Directorate and tell them these guys found the files, but I was able to encrypt the system before they hacked it. Tell the Directorate it’s standard encryption, so their geeks should be able to restore the data. Standard encryption! They’ll know what you’re talking about.

Heh. You know, in the old days, it was easier. You got a safety deposit box with a few thousand in small bills, a couple of fake passports, and a P35 with poison-tipped cartridges. Not anymore, pal.

Look, I’m gonna pass out in a few seconds, but this isn’t over until we get the data restored. You gotta promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll get in touch with the Directorate. Tell them standard encryption.

Standard encryption. Stand…standard…encry…

Area Cajun says Food Network “a Bunch of Pussies”

OAK GROVE – Bobby Flay would get his ass whipped if he ever squared off against Sherman Gautreaux, the Oak Grove resident said in July. That redheaded fag with the ponytail wouldn’t stand a chance with Sherman, either.

“Everybody on that Food Network is nothing but a bunch of pussies,” Gautreaux said of the all-cooking cable network. “I can make two eggs taste better than the sh–t those city slickers call cooking.”

Why doesn’t the network ever send its big-name chefs to South Louisiana, Gautreaux rhetorically asked while cooking a backyard jambalaya for his niece’s birthday party. Because the executives know their own culinary experts would get “schooled” if they ever came down here. That’s why, he answered himself, handing his brother-in-law a fresh Miller^®Lite™ pony.

Gautreaux then adjusted the wood fire and switched the conversation to his political insights.

EBR Updates Porn-Name Rules

BATON ROUGE – The East Baton Rouge Parish Public Works Department issued updated instructions last month for composing individual porn names.

Public Works Director Peter Newkirk said that, under the new rules, the first name is now your favorite animal from TV or film, such as “Mr. Ed” or “Lassie.” Porn surnames are derived by using the adjective form of your paternal grandfather’s ethnic country of origin.

Under the updated instructions, for example, this reporter would be known pornographically as “Orca German.”

Newkirk, or “Benji Swiss,” said the new rules took affect Aug. 1 and will remain in place the standard four years.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:

Karren Brady, University Club Housewife, LSU Football Fan

Did you get the passes yet?

What?

You get us some goddamn luxury-suite passes in Tiger Stadium, or I’ll divorce your ass, I swear to God! I don’t care how you do it.

I want those passes. I’m so tired of listening to all those hussies bragging at Sunday brunch about everybody watching the game in a suite. I’m tired of it!

I know you’ve had those north end zone seats since your dad gave them to you, but I’m tired of sitting on a goddamn metal bench all the way ‘til we leave at the end of the third quarter. I’m tired of sweating my ass off until October. And I’m tired of all those drunk, obnoxious rednecks spilling daiquiris all over my outfits.

I understand if you can’t get the kids in; we’ll leave them with your mom like usual. But if you don’t get us up there, I swear, I swear to God Almighty, I will clean your ass out! I mean it this time. I don’t care about that bullsh–t pre-nup you tricked me into signing. I’ll spread so many goddamn rumors about how you beat me and cheated on me, you won’t know what hit you.

Yeah, I know you’re sorry. Just get the goddamn passes, you broke-dick son of a bitch.

“Off the Wire”Corrections

A headline last month that should have read “Director’s Cut” included an extraneous “n.”

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Not all Asians are brainiacs.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

La prostituatinoj estas en la keletaĝo, Sen. Vitter, ne la turo.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.