At the tender age of 11, Lindsay Lohan portrayed both twins in The Parent Trap. It seems only fitting that she would have made such a name for herself by playing duplicitous roles, since the last couple of months of her personal life seem like déjà vu.

On July 24, the 21-year-old starlet was arrested for DUI and felony cocaine possession and almost immediately entered a rehab center. Coincidentally, only two months earlier, Beverly Hills police found a “usable amount” of a substance they tentatively identified as cocaine in Lohan’s 2005 Mercedes after she crashed it into a curb while allegedly driving drunk. After receiving treatment for her injuries, she was arrested for DUI and two days later entered rehab. Well, at least she’s consistent.

The latest batch of trouble for Lindsay “Snowman” Lohan began only 11 days after “successfully completing” her 6-week rehab program at the famously posh Promises facility in Malibu, California. Despite voluntarily donning an ankle bracelet that constantly monitored her blood-alcohol level, she still managed to fall off the wagon and was arrested after chasing the mother of her former personal assistant, who had just quit her gig hours before.

It started around 1:30am when Santa Monica police responded to a panicked 911 call from the girl’s mother. The woman reported that a white SUV was chasing her Cadillac^® Escalade.

Why was Lohan chasing her with a suspended license? Maybe the spoiled actress viewed the girl as property that she still owned. After the assistant was reportedly picked up by her mom, perhaps Lohan, like a wealthy plantation owner chasing down an escaped slave, was simply trying to get back what she thought was rightfully hers. After all, she was driving a white SUV.

As the chase progressed, the mother drove towards the police station, seeking a safe haven from her unidentified pursuer. Before getting there, though, she turned into the parking lot of the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium. Eventually, police arrived on the scene to find Lohan in a “heated debate” with the woman.

They also smelled alcohol on the actress’ breath and administered a field sobriety test. She failed. Maybe should would have passed had the police requested that she snort the line rather than walk it.

When police requested that she submit to a Breathalyzer test at the scene, she initially refused. Who would imagine Lohan turning down a chance to do some blow(ing)?

Later at the police station, however, she agreed to submit to the test twice. Results showed Lohan had a blood-alcohol level of 0.13 and 0.12 percent, well above the legal limit of 0.08.

Additionally, authorities found a “small” amount of cocaine in Lohan’s pocket while searching her person at the station. In an email to Access Hollywood, however, Lohan proclaimed her innocence.

“Yes. I am innocent…did not do drugs they’re not mine,” she wrote so eloquently. Whoever says Lohan is not one of the greatest actors of all time should be shot on sight. She deserves an Oscar^® for such a performance.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocatereports from June 25 – July 22, 2007.

10. Loretta Lynn J., 42, 1^st-offense DWI and speeding.

Since she’s just a coal miner’s daughter, Loretta Lynn decided to keep her BACS debut simple.

9. Graham Scott C., 20, 1^st-offense DWI, disobeying a red light, possession of marijuana, and possession of hydrocodone.

Since Graham Scott is white, does that make him a Graham cracker?

8. Judy Sullivan B., 41, 2^nd-offense DWI, battery on a police officer, simple criminal damage to property, public intimidation, resisting an officer, and attempted simple escape.

Judy, Judy, Judy! What would Cary Grant say about a lady acting in such a manner?

7. Adam Woods T., 22, 2^nd-offense DWI, cutting across private property, and possession of marijuana.

God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for eating the forbidden fruit. The cops threw Adam Woods into jail for possessing the forbidden herb.

6. Shalene Renee H., 29, 3^rd-offense DWI, tail lamps required, and improper lane usage.

Huge props to Shalene for traveling all the way from Bastrop in North Louisiana to participate in the BACS. Who knew that a three-time veteran could hail from the Baptist-dominated part of the BayouState?

5. Nicole O., 37, 4^th-offense DWI and failure to maintain control of a motor vehicle.

According to police records, Nicole resides in Greensburg, Louisiana. A woman garnering a 4^thDWI sounds impressive, but when you consider there’s not much else to do in St. Helena Parish, it sort of diminishes the magnificence of her accomplishment.

4. Timothy L., 40, 3^rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control, driving with a suspended/revoked license, and possession of marijuana.

Here’s a trivia question for you. Which is longer: The Bible’s Books of Timothy (combined) or Timothy L.’s rap sheet? The answer: God only knows.

3. Chad Deville T., 25, 3^rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control, and possession, distribution, and manufacturing of a Schedule I drug.

Be careful around this guy, ladies. Otherwise, you may wake one morning and discover you spent all night riding the “Chadillac Deville.”

2. Carmen B., 45, 3^rd-offense DWI, speeding, driving with a suspended/revoked license, possession of marijuana, and expired inspection sticker.

The movie The Bad News Bears borrowed the prelude from George Bizet’s opera Carmen. For Carmen B., all bears are bad news, especially when they wear badges.

1. Thomas W., 27, 5^th-offense DWI.

Kudos, Livingston Parish! Not only do you have one of the best school systems in the state, but now you can claim this month’s winner of the Judge Don Johnson Trophy – Thomas W. of Denham Springs!

Congratulations, Thomas. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.