So it has now been over forty days without nicotine.  Everyone asks me how I am doing.   It doesn't matter how I am doing, because I am a nonsmoker.  It is not an option.  Just know that, if you don't hear about a madman killing 49 people in the mall, or 67 people in traffic on the interstate, I am doing OK with it.   I may hate my life, and would be willing to walk nude for five miles over flaming glass shards, while spiders rain down from the heavens, just to get a whiff of a Parliament that a hobo has been carrying in his underwear while jogging in from the equator, but I am at peace without nicotine.

Let's get positive and talk sports!  It is almost football season, and nothing makes me happier than football season.   It is only about a month away, and I can already feel the excitement inside me growing.

Unfortunately, like all good things, football comes to an end.   It is like dating a girl who goes to college in another state.  Sure, it's great while she’s in town, but then she leaves.   Sure, there are moments in the off-season when you remember it.  Draft day, for example, is like her coming in for Spring Break; everything is beautiful.   Then there are days a little darker, like when a star gets arrested for dog fighting. (At least we won't have to hear that terrible Baha Men song anymore; apparently, it was Michael Vick who let the dogs out.)

I know there are other sports, but like other women, it's just not the same.  Basketball comes along and it's great, but you know it will never work out because of the racial differences.   Hockey is like the foreign-exchange student: its great, but you don't really understand it.  Baseball is like using your other hand.   It works, but it takes forever and just doesn't feel right.  NASCAR is around, but we have all had 250-pound, redneck women.  It's great, but we don't want to talk about it in public.   Somebody mentioned soccer, but frankly, I don't go that way.  Whatever you do is your business, and there is nothing wrong with it, but I just don't swing that way.   I realize that now we have the NFL Network and ESPN Classic, but really, how many times can you look at video you filmed with the hidden camera?

Why aren't you one of my MySpace^® friends yet?  I am an IT person by day, and I didn't realize how serious the internet was.   I lost two real-life friends and almost got stabbed by another because they weren't in my Top 8.  Why would I want people I really know in my Top 8 when I can have Skeletor, Cobra Commander, and King Hippo there?   At any rate, add me.  On there, I can say things like **** YOU and ***** IN ******* **** YOUR **** UNTIL ****** CORPSE.   It’s good times.