The Human Brain vs. the Computer: How Do We Stack Up?

It has been estimated that an average brain can hold 100 million megabytes of memory. Pretty impressive, except that it is also believed that humans only use 10% of the brain’s capacity. In other words, if the human brain was an iPod, it would be capable of holding 30 million songs, 27 million of which would be endless downloads of “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

This is a disturbing thought, especially when you consider that experts predict that computers will surpass the human brain’s processing capacity by the year 2030. Even more alarming is a recent study that shows that the Dutch are now taller than we are. The Dutch are probably over there right now, in Holland or Belgium or wherever Dutch people live, building computers that are taller than our computers.

But let’s not get carried away by all this talk about the so-called superiority of tall computers. Sure, a computer can do all kinds of things better than we can, but experts tell us that, no matter how tall a computer is, it will never be able to dunk a basketball, at least not until the year 2035. Until then, you can expect your computer to continue to do the same things it has always done: store incredible amounts of data, provide you with instant access to all kinds of information, and perform complex calculations in a fraction of a second – all while sitting on its 2,000-megabyte ass.

The Makeup of the Human Brain

 “What a piece of work is man.” – William Shakespeare

The brain is a complex organ, made up of billions of cells called neuron cells, which supply us with the information we need to make intelligent decisions, such as ordering a salad for lunch. Unfortunately, the neuron cells are constantly at odds with the brain’s moron cells, which convince us to get a side order of cheese fries to go with the salad.

The brain is divided into several different regions:

The Cerebellum: The cerebellum regulates movement and muscle coordination. Without it, we would not have the motor skills necessary to open a can of beer, raise it to our mouth, swallow, and then, with the other hand (which is not even our dominant hand), accurately aim our remote control to change our TV from the Discovery Channel to Wife Swapping.

The Pituitary Gland: This is the gland that secrets hormones. If you are a man, it produces testosterone, which has different effects on different men. In some men, it may result in nothing more serious than hairy shoulders and hairy backs. However, in others, it may have more dramatic effects, causing men to drive around in mud-caked trucks, jacked-up really high with huge tires. 

In women, the pituitary gland produces estrogen, which causes women to have PMS and a love of big, expensive weddings. (The groom, under the influence of testosterone, may look in horror at the high cost of such a wedding and realize that he could have bought a lifetime of big tires with that money.)

The Temporal Lobe of the Cerebrum: This controls our memory. If you’ve ever walked clear across your house for something, and when you got there, you couldn’t remember why you were there, you’ve got a short-circuit in your temporal lobe. I know there’s something wrong with that portion of my brain, because I keep returning the realistic plastic roach to Nancy in my office, who continues to put it back in my lunch at every opportunity. 

The Frontal Lobe of the Cerebrum: The frontal lobe is used for reasoning and judgment. Any casual observer of human behavior knows this part of the brain is rarely used. This accounts for tongue-piercing and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, who, last December, hosted a conference to promote the idea that the Holocaust never really happened.

Mahmoud, Einstein, and a Giant Flying Banana

But if we are all born with the same basic brain parts, how can one person be a genius like Albert Einstein and another person be…well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? We may never know the answer to that question, unless we can convince Mahmoud to donate his brain to science, so it can be studied right alongside Einstein’s, which, as pointed out in the first part of this series, is still around.

Until then, if we can’t use our God-given brains to do something worthwhile, like finding a cure for cancer, let’s at least concentrate on some project that won’t hurt anybody else, such as the 1,000-foot-long flying banana (which I’m not making up), made of bamboo and synthetic paper, which is presently being constructed by artist Cesar Saez. This banana-shaped airship will be filled with helium and launched from Mexico sometime next year. The banana, which will cost an estimated $850,000, will drift in a low orbit over Texas for about a month before it disintegrates.

Of course, the obvious question is: “Why a banana?” The reason is equally obvious: The banana is the most recognizable fruit in the world. You certainly wouldn’t want to spend that kind of money on a giant piece of fruit and have it end up being just another UFO (Unidentified Fruit Orbiting):

          Look, up in the sky! It’s a pomegranate!

          No, it’s a prickly pear!

          No, it’s an African Cherry Orange!

The Bush administration has yet to take an official stance on the giant flying banana. I’m sure Bush is hoping it won’t be launched until after his term is over. Then, both the banana and Iraq will be someone else’s problem.