We have, at last, come to the scariest month of the year.  Don't think the most frightening thing about October is Halloween; that's just the icing on the brain-shaped Jell-O^® mold. 

We're smack in the middle of AIDS Awareness Month in the city ranked 6th in the nation in REPORTED AIDS cases.  That's right, folks: S-I-X. Just in time for Family Sexual Education Month (also October).

Keep an eye out for Breastfeeding Week and Mental Illness Awareness Week, too.  Also, we catch the tail end of Ramadan, which means that any peace set aside for the holidays is coming to an end.  If that's not scary enough, we’ve also got Jesse Jackson's birthday.  But all that aside, I'm gettin’ married at the end of the month, ushering in the most frightening events in any man's life: wedded bliss and fatherhood.

So, to commemorate this horrific time of year and make your choice of Halloween attire a mite easier, I'm offering each of you an appropriately nightmarish choice of costume for this year's festivities.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Get a really good Mickey Mouse costume.  When people ask you what's so scary about that, you can tell them you have AIDS.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take an old T-shirt and glue cereal boxes all over it, and then glue knives in them, and tell people you're a cereal killer.  Not that it's an original idea, but every time I see a frat guy in that outfit at a Halloween party, he's always the one who rapes the passed-out chick in the back bedroom.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Pick up an Army surplus, olive drab jacket and some fake tattoos, and go as a carnie.  Don't forget some dead goldfish in bags to give out as prizes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Buy one of those inflatable fat-suit costumes, and then get some big-and-tall clothes to wear over it, and hang out at the snack table.  That always makes me nervous.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Find a buddy that works at any chain, casual dining restaurant, and borrow his uniform.  This one's only scary if you've ever sent something back to the kitchen with an attitude.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): This one's just for the ladies.  Wear whatever you want, but right before you leave for the party, casually tell your man that your period’s running a little late.  Prepare to witness pure terror.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19): From the political theater, you can go with G.W., Hillary, or Obama. There's nothing as scary as someone who actually wants that job.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Put on your favorite collegiate jersey or T-shirt and go as a college student.  One in five has genital herpes.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): One word – "Clown."  Frickin' terrifying.

CANCER(June 21-July 22): Although the press attention is starting to wane, just about every religion has seen some scandal involving its men of the cloth.  Whether it's theology or a lap rocket, they're trying to stuff something awful in your kid’s head.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Get yourself a long, black jacket and some dark eyeliner, and go as the quiet white kid in the back of the class.  Scarier than a suicide bomber any day of the week.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Pirates are a sure thing this Halloween, but go as Captain Hook: He used to scare the hell out of my aunt when she was a kid.