Just because we at Red Shtick Magazine are known for being politically incorrect, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have our moments. This month’s BACS honorable mention is a perfect example of how, just like the mainstream media, we, too, can report inspirational stories of disabled people leading full, rewarding lives.

Despite the fact that he has no legs, Harvey J. Miller of Dorchester, Wisconsin was arrested for 3^rd-offense DUI in the Abbotsford area, about 170 miles northeast of Madison.

On August 18, the 43-year-old Miller was behind the wheel of a 1985 Chevrolet truck that was pulled over by Colby/Abbotsford police. Miller admitted to officers that he had too much to drink, but argued that he really wasn’t operating the vehicle, since his friend, 55-year-old Edwin H. Marzinske, also from Dorchester, was working the pedals.

Police didn’t buy it. They cited Miller for a 3^rddrunken-driving offense, while his teammate, Marzinske, picked up his second. Both were cited for driving with revoked licenses. According to police, a third man in the truck, also drunk, walked himself home after the traffic stop.

Unfortunately, the Associated Press account of this story did not address some obvious questions. Did he get his first two DUIs before or after losing his legs? If it’s the latter, did he manage to do so by himself, or did he need help, as in this case? Did the police charge Miller with DUI because he failed to walk a straight line?

In any case, one thing is certain. Legally speaking, Miller doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocatereports from August 27 – September 23, 2007.

10. Alfredo M., 35, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and operating a vehicle without a lawful presence in the U.S.

Alfredo got sauced. (Sorry, we couldn’t resist.)

9. Kevin Scott M., 21, 1^st-offense DWI, speeding, excessive use of horn, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

Excessive use of horn? That’s a new one. It makes sense, though, given that Kevin Scott is from Houston. You know how those Texans love those longhorns. (That’s the last one, we promise.)

8. John Daniel “Danny” Ford, 31, 3^rd-offense DWI, driving over the median, failure to signal, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

It was well reported that Danny took a leave of absence from his post as executive director of the Louisiana State Democratic Party after becoming a three-time BACS veteran. If he hadn’t, they’d have had to change the name from the Democratic Party to the Keg Party.

7. Trikei Laran H., 33, 3^rd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended or revoked, license plate switched, and failure to signal.

Trikei switched his license plate. How tricky of Trikei to do that.

6. Vicki Mae P., 47, 1^st-offense DWI, possession of imitation of controlled dangerous substances, possession of drug paraphernalia, and failure to signal properly.

It looks like marijuana. It smells like marijuana. But it’s not marijuana. It’s “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Weed,” officer.

5. Scott Vincent H., 29, 1^st-offense DWI, distributing/manufacturing Schedule II drugs, distributing/manufacturing Schedule III drugs, distributing/manufacturing Schedule IV drugs, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of marijuana.

Scott Vincent must have grown up watching Sesame Streetand was a big fan of The Count. “That’s one, one DWI! Schedule II drugs! Schedule III drugs! Schedule IV, four wonderful controlled drugs! (Thunderclap) Ah, ah, ah, ah!” Whenever he gets the munchies, Scott Vincent allegedly woofs down Oreos^® like Cookie Monster, too.

4. Scott Bryan C., 20, 1^st-offense for DWI by controlled and dangerous substance, reckless operation of a vehicle, speeding, improper lane usage, possession of Schedule I drugs, possession of Schedule II drugs, and possession of Schedule IV drugs.

Apparently, Scott Bryan has a severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder and avoids the number 3 at all costs. He’ll do just about any drug, so long as it’s not on Schedule III.

3. King Solomon J., 36, 4^th-offense DWI, speeding, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

While his parents are probably disappointed that he didn’t become as wise as the Bible’s King Solomon, at least he can handle alcohol in biblical proportions.

2. Jonathan David H., 26, 4^th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control, and open-container violation.

Jonathan is a huge golf fan. Whenever he drives drunk, he warns other drivers by rolling down his window and yelling, “Fore!”

1. Toni Marie M., 20, 3^rd-offense DWI, possession or distribution of a Schedule III drug, improper lane usage, driver’s license suspended or revoked, illegal window tint, and expired license plate.

Unlike Scott Bryan, Toni Marie loves the number 3. She can’t get enough of it! DWI number 3, with Schedule III drugs. Ironically, though, she’s never heard of Dale Earnhardt.

Congratulations, Toni. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.