J.K. Rowling shocked the world last month with the revelation that Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series was gay.  Gay?!  Not Dumbledore, the wise father figure, complete with flowing robes and long white hair.  Not the greatest wizard in a completely fictional world.  Anyone but him!!

            Really, why does this even become news?  Are we that bored with our own human existence that we stoop so low as to become entertained by the dirty laundry of a fictional character of a novel series in which he dies?  Are Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton’s daily antics not enough to satiate the hunger for gossip that seems to infect us like VDs from freshmen at Reggie’s?

He dies in the book!!  I’m sorry if I ruined the ending of one of the books for you, but he is killed by Snape.  Does it really matter that old Dumbledore was hiding his wand in another wizard’s robe?  Do the books become less entertaining because maybe, just maybe, Dumbledore spoke with a lisp or designed the drapes in his office?  Is his fictional death any less tragic now that J.K. Rowling has proclaimed the headmaster of Hogwarts was a flaming homosexual?

            Does this mean that other fictional characters are going to be outed?  Will McCarthy witch hunts of yesteryear become a new fad among fiction in the upcoming year?  I sure as hell hope so, because I really am sick of Britney Spears, and I am hoping for even more worthless news.

Who’s next, the Wizard of Oz?  He was hiding behind a curtain; make him come out of the closet.  How about Captain Ahab?  He was chasing a white whale, which kind of looks like a big sperm.  Gay.  For all we know, the backstory on the Cat in the Hat is that he is a pedophile, breaking into houses while the parents are away to videotape the kiddies as they play.

            As we air our dirty laundry for all in make-believe land to see, I must drag old Santa out to dry.  I know, for years, Mr. Claus has been making toys, using the labor of his people in the country of “North Pole.”  Yearlong, he develops plans to distribute the wealth of “North Pole” to all in the land, equally among all classes, and he only asks the world to contribute milk and cookies.  Not only that, but he also manages to watch you, and he keeps a list of all good and bad deeds.  To top it off, he loves the color red and sneaks under our NORAD radar during the holiday season.  I know your dirty little secret Santa, or should I say Comrade Santa, you COMMUNIST!!!