BATON ROUGE – Nick Saban garnered 50.2% of the vote in October 20 balloting, defeating his three opponents and avoiding a runoff for the distinction as Louisiana’s biggest a–hole.

Official statewide returns show Saban’s campaign benefited from a last-minute surge and edged New Orleans Congressman Bill Jefferson by less than 1,000 votes to claim victory in the primary election. David Duke and Derrick Todd Lee were a distant third and fourth, respectively.

Meanwhile, Louisiana Democrats said they plan to launch a legal challenge to the results.

“Nick Saban won’t even make it to a decent bowl game this year,” said Chris Whittington, chairman of the state Democratic Party.

Runoff Supreme: Attorney General Race Showcases Two Veteran Auto-Dialers

The Bell+Howell 1500 ADX will square off against the Teletype Corp. Telex Model 32 in the statewide runoff for Attorney General. It’s the first time both machines have competed in a runoff election since 1989.

Experts say the 1500 ADX, a Democrat from Shreveport, should be a lock for black voters in Louisiana, as well as white liberals. Meanwhile, the Telex 32, also from Shreveport, is a staunch Republican who has openly courted evangelical Christians.

“These two auto-dialers have been going at it since the Cold War,” said LSU political guru Bob Mann. “As a political observer, you wait your whole life for races like this.”

Red Shtick Publisher Denies Steroid Use

BATON ROUGE – Jeremy White, publisher of Red Shtick Magazine, vehemently denied charges in October that he used human growth hormone to enhance his journalistic performance.

The accusations surfaced in a San Diego newspaper article that quoted a source referred to as “Shmarry Shmonds,” who claimed White used “the clear” during non-publishing weeks from 2004-06.

White acknowledged pulling all-nighters before some issues were published during that period, but he insisted steroids were not involved. He refused, however, to submit to urine tests.

Borné Completes Transformation to Plastic “Cyborg”

BALTIMORE – Completing a process that began in 1992, Dan Borné, spokesman for the Louisiana Chemical Association, underwent a surgical procedure in October that converted his body into a half-human, half-plastic cyborg.

Doctors who performed the experimental procedure at Johns Hopkins University said they successfully replaced about 52% of Borné’s biological tissue with polyvinylchloride and chemical elastomers.

Chief surgeon Robert Shiefelburg said the procedure would add decades to Borné’s life but cautioned that Borné must avoid excessive sunlight and that his body is not safe for bottom dishwasher racks.

This Month’s FOX 44 Forecast:

Partly sober with a 75% chance of ass-whuppin’.

Report: B.R. Economist Running Dangerously Low on Sugarcoating

WASHINGTON – A federal report concluded in October that Baton Rouge economist Loren Scott is “blowing through” the state’s supply of sugarcoating.

The Government Accountability Office said that, if unchecked, Scott could deplete Louisiana’s already strained stockpiles of economic optimism by the beginning of December.

Scott has burnished his economic analyses since Hurricane Katrina with Pollyannaish fairy tales at rates usually reserved for the Bush administration, the report said.

“All the sugarcane farms in Louisiana couldn’t keep pace with Scott’s demand, even if they operated ‘round the clock,” the report concluded.

Cox TV Series Bores Area Man into Coma

HOUMA – Doctors cautioned TV viewers statewide of the potential danger posed by Cox Communications’ Focus on Louisiana series after a Breaux Bridge man collapsed from extreme boredom while watching the public affairs show in October.

Randall Abbanks has been comatose since watching an installment on the state’s electoral process.

Stan Jackson, a neurologist at Chabert Medical Center, said Abbanks’ condition should serve as a warning to other viewers of the public-service series.

“I know Barry Erwin is adorable, but this is always how it starts,” Jackson said. “People just want to be a little informed, then they’re hooked and end up like vegetables.” 

Belles Launch New Fundraising Drive

BATON ROUGE – The Bengal Belles launched a charity drive in October to raise money for new Lynn Rollins clichés. The all-female LSU booster club said it hopes to raise $10,000 to buy new on-air expressions for Cox Sports Television’s play-by-play man in time for the 2008 football season.

New cutting-edge phrases being considered for Rollins include: “That play was smoother than the ass on a 10-year-old boy,” “I haven’t seen moves like that outside a Filipino brothel,” and punctuating LSU touchdowns with, “Now that’s a first-class skull-f—kin’!”

Ask a Tech Head

With Desmond “Lil’ Dré” Washington

Dear Dré:

I’ve taken the plunge and invested in an iPhone. I love it, but I don’t like AT&T’s service, which, you know, is required with the phone.

I’ve been hacking since I cracked open my Vic-64 at the tender age of 12. I’ve read the instructions for hacking the iPhone, but I keep bonking on the system restore with command code errors in the .exe file.

I’ve read the threads on your site, and I know you have experience with iPhone hacks. Can you give me a step-by-step?

Thanks for your help,

BrianIsAStud82

Southdowns

Dear B-Stud:

Ain’t nothin’ but a thang:

Step 1: Gather your materials:cigar (preferably a White Owl^®), weed, knife or scissors, grinder, lighter.

Step 2: Lick the cigar until it is moist. Cut a straight line lengthwise from butt to tip.

Step 3: Use your thumb to slide the “guts” out. Don't try to push it all out at once, or you’ll tear the blunt.

Step 4: Lick the edges to seal up any tears. Wrap and fold in the center like you would a joint.

Step 5: Spread the weed evenly down the length of the blunt. If you don’t use enough to support the size of the wrap, it will collapse while you’re trying to smoke.

Step 6: Fold and roll it up. Tuck the shorter side of the wrap around the weed and roll it all the way. Don’t pinch the ends shut or roll it too tight, as this will cause you to pass out from sucking too hard.

Step 7: Lick the last half-inch of paper lengthwise. Press the rest carefully down to the blunt. 

Step 8: Run a lighter up and down the length of the blunt while spinning it to dry out the moisture. “Bake” it just long enough to make it firm and a little darker in color.

Step 9: Fire it, spinning the blunt to evenly distribute heat and minimize the possibility of runs. (Runs can be remedied by smearing saliva on the longer side of the cherry.)

Keep dat icky sticky. Peace!

Dré.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Indian people do not smell like cabbage.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Our food guide recommended pairing Cabernet Sauvignon with Gruyère.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Jennifer Lopez is phat.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.