Dogs, Pigs, and Cocks – and That’s Just the Legislature

By Jeremy White

In case you haven’t heard by now, some members of the Louisiana legislature have been fighting to make commercial hog-dog fights illegal. “What the hell is a hog-dog fight?” you might ask. Very simply, it’s a “rodeo” where dogs chase wild hogs and bite their ears to win. Rep. Warren Triche, D-Thibodaux, authored a bill that would ban these canine-porcine competitions.

Some say the ban on theses fights has been prompted by media reports of a hog-dog rodeo in East Feliciana Parish. Perhaps, but maybe another reason is that some lawmakers are trying to earn brownie points with a governor who’s a member of the Oprah Book of the Month Club.

Triche said the poor hogs usually end up the losers because their tusks have been removed. Former Speaker of the House, Rep. Charlie DeWitt, D-LeCompte, responded in opposition to the bill by noting that the fights aren’t always one-sided. DeWitt said that sometimes hogs are called “rippers” because they have razor-sharp teeth that can rip a dog wide open. Wow! Now I can sleep at night, knowing that both animals have a chance of dying.

During the proceedings, DeWitt introduced an amendment to Triche’s bill that would have made cockfighting illegal, too. Okay, now let me get this straight. Cockfighting is legal in Louisiana? You’ve got to be s#*!!ing me! Why isn’t the Office of Tourism using this as a drawing card to our great state? Who wouldn’t pass on AstroWorld or Disney World when they could take the kids to watch a couple of chickens gouge each other with spurs strapped to their legs?

Anyway, DeWitt offered his amendment in an effort to defeat Triche’s bill by weighting it down with a provision that would gain extra opposition. Triche said DeWitt was trying to woo the support of the Acadiana legislators, many of whom see cockfighting as a part of their culture.

When I learned of this, I became extremely upset with my family, especially my father. You see, I’m from Terrebonne Parish. That’s right, I’m a full-blown coonass. Did my dad or paw-paw ever take me to a cockfight when I was a kid? Hell no! I didn’t even know such a thing existed until I was 16, and that was only because I heard about it on TV.

Instead, my dad took me to sporting events that were a lot more horrifying – Saints games. I’m still suffering from the trauma of witnessing the slaughter of a professional franchise every week during my formative years.

The whole hog-dog/cockfighting debate can be solved by a simple ground rule – it’s okay to fight animals that will ultimately be used as food. If they’re going to be killed anyway, why not let them entertain the people whom they will ultimately nourish?

This would mean that the cocks could fight each other legally. Hog-dog fights, on the other hand, would not be allowed unless they were attended by certain natives of Southeast Asia. Hog-hog fights would be okay as long as the attendees are Gentiles. Of course, the entire point is moot if the audiences consist exclusively of vegetarians.

When Rep. Taylor Townsend, D-Natchitoches, said that Louisiana already has a law that makes animal cruelty a crime, Triche retorted that district attorneys aren’t prosecuting it. Triche said, “Some DAs are like Vienna Sausage when it comes to a backbone.” At this point, I would like to express my appreciation to the Louisiana legislature for allowing me to discuss cocks and Vienna Sausage without sounding pornographic.

Mother’s Day Greeting

Sunday, May 9 is Mother’s Day. Therefore, I’m using this forum to wish my mom a happy Mother’s Day. After all, it’s from her that I got my twisted sense of humor.

Mom, I just hope you appreciate this. When you consider how much ad revenue could be fetched for the space occupied by this message, it sure beats the hell out of some cheesy card from Walgreen’s. Happy Mother’s Day!