TUSCALOOSA, AL – Despite Les Miles’ comments to the contrary, LSU might still be courting Alabama’s Nick Saban for a return to Tiger football.

Sources in Tuscaloosa, AL, said in early December that Olde English I, the Jim & Lu Grocery private Learjet, was spotted on the runway at Tuscaloosa Regional Airport. Corporate officials were seen later that day meeting with Saban’s agent, Jimmy Sexton, at the Tuscaloosa Motel 6^®.

“It was obviously the Jim & Lu plane,” one source said, noting the corporate jet’s distinctive, bright yellow and red colors, with the company’s name hand-painted in black letters.

Meanwhile, officials with both LSU and Jim & Lu denied the plane’s appearance had any significance to the Tigers’ coaching search.

“Our Government Street store serves as headquarters for a vast nexus of locations across the southeastern United States,” said Brenda Jackson, Jim & Lu marketing director. “On any given day, Olde English I carries corporate employees to and from any number of our branches.”

Jindal Vows Special Session on 5 O’Clock Shadow

BATON ROUGE – In his first major pronouncement as governor-elect, Bobby Jindal said in October he would call a special session shortly after taking office next year, calling on legislators to ban mid-day shaving.

Melissa Sellers, a spokeswoman for the heavily bearded Jindal, clarified that the move is intended to improve the state’s image by easing grooming standards in the workplace.

But political analysts said that, if approved, such a measure essentially would require men to have 5 o’clock shadow.

“This is how it starts,” said Democratic consultant Trey Ourso. “Congratulations, Louisiana. The terrorists have won.”

State Apologizes for Blowing Mud Near Ramah

RAMAH –The State of Louisiana apologized for the fetid odor and said it felt much better in November after squeezing off a greasy one near Ramah.

Even though the barking tree spider forced a portion of Interstate 10 to close for several days, cutting the cheese was necessary, the State further explained.

“Goddam, sorry for blowing mud,” Louisiana said, tapping its stomach. “I must’ve had some bad kimchi at that Vietnamese place in Lafayette.”

State Police spokesman Johnny Brown confirmed that the trouser cough was the state’s largest on record.

“We’re advising residents to open a window,” Brown said. “The ass perfume should dissipate soon.”

Doctors Warn Whittington to Remove Huge Chip

NEW ORLEANS – Physicians warned state Democratic Party Chairman Chris Whittington in November that, unless the huge chip on his shoulder is surgically removed, he could be immobile within a few months.

Stan Bickman, an orthopedic surgeon with Ochsner Medical Center, said the gangrenous, bile- and pus-filled tissue on Whittington’s left clavicle has been growing since Whittington was the last player chosen for playground basketball teams in the third grade.

Bickman said, however, that Whittington’s condition is correctable and fairly common, affecting one out of every one person in politics.

Ask Not What You Can Do for LSU…

In a fundraising first, LSU is offering donors the chance to lead the Tiger marching band during one football game for a mere $1 million. Loyal fans who can’t fork up that kind of cash can choose from more economical options:

$1,000 – Alumni can retroactively upgrade their grade point averages by one point.

$40 – All-day access to a Middleton Library glory hole.

$50 – Pick your side of the glory hole.

$10 – Receive a hand job at Coates Hall.

$20 – Give a hand job at Coates Hall.

Chackbay Man Unaware Reality Extends North of I-10

THIBODAUX – Decades ago, Norman “Nonc Dub” Deblieux of Chackbay traveled with his father for 16 days in a horse-drawn wagon to hear a Huey Long speech in Baton Rouge.

But Deblieux expressed shock in October to learn anything exists north of Interstate 10.

“Dey got land up dere?” Deblieux asked his grandnephew Dakota Bourgeois, a sophomore at E.D. White Catholic High. “Mais, enfant, I thought it was ocean,” Deblieux said.

Bourgeois used the opportunity to enlighten Deblieux with primers on geography, plate tectonics, and the Copenhagen Interpretation. After feigning interest, Deblieux fell asleep.

Long Lost Friend Calls in Bet on Microwave Ovens

BATON ROUGE – Derrick Harris was delighted in October when he received a phone call from Roger Brylski, a fellow 1973 graduate of Baton Rouge High.

Harris was stunned, however, when his childhood friend demanded payment on a $100 bet the two allegedly made in 1982 over whether microwave ovens would completely replace conventional ovens in 25 years.

Brylski, who moved to Maryland in 1988, told Harris he clearly recalls making the wager when both worked as operators at the Baton Rouge Exxon refinery. Moreover, Brylski claimed that, adjusted for inflation, Harris now owes him $178.

Harris responded by accusing his classmate of not sending so much as a Christmas card since 1992 and invited Brylski to kiss his fat, white ass.

60 Seconds with a Christian Executive

Name: John Hasselman, CEO, Hasselman Marketing

Church: Healing Place Church

Family: Married to wife, Jan, for 23 years; son, Thomas; daughter, Emily; male lovers Enrique and “Master Brian.”

Name some of your favorite books. 7 Habits of Highly Effective Gay Prostitutes; Below the Radar: Hiding the Homo in You; Johnny Was a Little Different and a Big Perv.

What websites are you surfing? I spend a lot of time on blackleather.spank. It has a wonderful literature section, personal-journey blogs, a sexy online gallery, and a catalog of adjustable cock rings.

Bonus Question: What’s scarier – being discovered by your wife or your employees? Definitely my wife. I can threaten my employees with their jobs if they say anything, but that bitch I’m married to would go apesh–t.

Ask “Off the Wire”

Dear Tony:

A weight is hanging on an elastic thread. An additional stretching force F is applied and is gradually increased. When the force reaches value F₀, the thread breaks. What should be the minimal size of a force that breaks the thread, if such a force is applied instantaneously and remains unchanged?

George Martinez

Sanitation worker

Napoleonville

Dear George:

Google™ it.

Write or email Tony Swartz with your “Ask Off the Wire” questions to “Ask Off the Wire,” c/o Red Shtick Magazine. And remember, you’re better off Googling it!

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Our feature on Nancy Grace’s twins did not make clear the story was about the CNN anchor’s newborn babies and not her breasts.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Cox’s digital-cable remote control does not have a secret button for gay porn.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Pomeranians are not a mistake of nature.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error. (We stand by our reporting, however, that they are one annoying-ass breed of dog.)