August is a popular month for birthdays, mainly because December is a really cold month. In fact, more people are born in August than any other month. Go ahead; think about it. How many August birthdays do you know? Well, there’s me, so that’s at least one. All gifts may be mailed to Knick Moore c/o Red Shtick Magazine, P.O. Box 45591, Baton Rouge, LA 70895-4591. I will happily accept gift certificates to places like tattoo parlors (preferably for the Ink Shop on Coursey; talk to Micro), bars, or anything you think I’d like.  I’m easy to buy for.

Since you’re now on your way to get me something nice, I think I’ll get you something nice for once. This month’s horoscopes are all positive, so enjoy, Baton Rouge!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):A new home is on your horizon, since your old one’s getting foreclosed on soon.

What is it about July that leads to uprisings? As any elementary student knows, the fourth of July is the day the Second Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence, thus declaring to George III that he should sit on it and twirl. But we’re not alone: July 1, 1962, saw Rwanda and Burundi gaining independence from Belgium; July 3 celebrates the liberation of Belarus from the Soviet Union; and July 5 saw the independence of Algeria (from France), the Cape Verde Islands (from Portugal), and Venezuela (from Spain). But that’s not even the beginning.

So when the fireworks have died down and the barbecue-and-beer hangover starts to wane, jump back into the spirit of independence by celebrating the freedom of a country outside the U.S. that more than likely is full of people who want to spit on you just for being American.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Belgium broke from the Netherlands on July 21, 1831. Aside from several Flemish masters and impressive architecture, Belgians also produce a mighty fine pint that kicks like a mule.

I remember that June used to be a happy month when I was a kid. Then I grew up, and the veil was pulled from my eyes. June was an easy month for a kid: school let out and you began the lazy, day-to-day whatever of summer. As an adult, the kids still get out in June, except now they’re free to terrorize your neighborhood all day and run wild through Wal-Mart.

June also marks the beginning of hurricane season, as well as the first day of summer, and it has the longest daylight hours of the year. This month basically marks the time when Mother Nature decides to crap all over the state of Louisiana, and that old bag’s feces is hot, steamy, and full of mosquito larvae. So, what a perfect time to have a large number of outdoor weddings! Personally, I feel that, if you want me to attend your wedding in Louisiana in June, you should expect me to show up in shorts and sandals. I will happily wear a tie if required.

Hang on folks, it looks like it’s gonna be a bumpy month.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Now is the perfect time for you to come out of the closet in honor of the Stonewall riots that began June 28, 1969, and are seen as a catalyst to the changes slowly taking place in the field of gay and lesbian rights.

May is an exciting month, but only if you’re still in school, since you’re the only one getting any time off. For the rest of us, it means Mother’s Day, which means it’s time to whale on your promiscuous mothers once again.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your momma’s chest is so hairy her cleavage looks like coconuts.

April is more than the first full month of spring; it’s also National Holocaust Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month…YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!  It’s also the month you’ll find both Earth Day and Arbor Day – two of the biggest non-holidays of the year; you’re talking about two holidays that are celebrated with physical labor.  I guess April sucks.  But lucky for all of us, astrology is all about lying to yourself to make you feel better about how very awful your life really is.  So here are some lies to delude yourself with all month long.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19):That recurring pain is natural.  The fact that it only happens when you have to pee is nothing to worry about.

March, like many other months, was, at one time, the first month of the year.  It seems like every time a new emperor took power in Rome, he felt the best way to shore up his legacy was to rearrange the calendar and add himself to it.  But don’t feel bad, March; you’re still important. March 14 is Pi Day, and for those of you still with me, March 14 at 1:59pm is Pi Minute, and if you really want to dork it up, March 14^that 1:59pm and 26 seconds is Pi Second.  There, you go now and annoy your friends with that.

The name of our current month (February, for all you stoners out there) comes from the Latin februum, which means purification.  Originally, February was the last month of the year, when the Romans would celebrate their purity festival to make up for the awful things they did that year.  Carrying on that tradition, we have Black History Month, which was celebrated in my high school (60% Black/40% Other [including but not limited to White, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Native American, Eskimo, Pacific Islander, Mongolian, and Latino]) with a brotherhood rally, where leaders from the black community would come in and speak briefly about how a black man invented the traffic light and the shower curtain rod (both true) before negating any scholastic message by encouraging everyone to get out there and play sports or sing in order to become somebody.  I really wish that was a joke.

On the other hand, if social guilt isn’t your thing, you always have Lent to express all that moral angst you’ve accrued by giving up chocolate for a few weeks.  Nobody knows guilt better than the church, which would have a hard time selling the product if everybody felt good about themselves all the time.  So, for those of you taking this Lenten season a bit too hard, I’m giving you each an historic atrocity committed in the name of religion to make you feel a little better.

Buckle up, folks: It’s 2008, and boy, it’s going to be a long one.  Literally.  2008 is a leap year, meaning one extra day of suck, right at the tail end of February.  According to the Chinese calendar, it’s the year of the rat, which is associated with death, war, the occult, pestilence, and atrocities.  Aside from all the crap that’s going down your throat this year concerning the Olympics and the presidential election, you can look forward to the nutcases coming out of the woodwork on Feb. 21 during the lunar eclipse, and then a whole other group of nuts coming out because of the slew of apocalyptic sci-fi books that are set in 2008.  Plus, according to Futurama, this is the year suicide booths get invented.

I would love to take this time to welcome you to December and the onset of the Christmas season, but I’m afraid I was preempted this year by Wal-Mart, who ushered in the holidays not the day after Thanksgiving but the day after Halloween this year.  I wandered into the local Wally World on November 1 to pick up a bag of dog food and swore I was having a stroke.  The Halloween candy wasn’t even cold on the counters, and I was hearing Kenny G’s “White Christmas” through the loudspeakers.