I may not be an expert on getting out of a DUI, but I have had a few experiences that may help you if you’re caught in a Driving Under the Influence situation.
If you’re a chick, you shouldn’t have a problem. Wait, let me rephrase that: If you’re a good-looking chick, you shouldn’t have a problem getting out of a little trouble with the law. But if you’re a guy (pre-op transvestites included) or an ugly chick, it’s going to be a little bit tougher to get out of a jam.
You probably didn’t catch the Italian version of Big Brother this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still get a piece of it for yourself. Turns out, one of the contestants is offering up her virginity for the first lucky guy who can cough up the cash.
Raffella Fico told the celebrity magazine Chi she’d give herself to any man who could come up with her asking price of roughly $1,500,000. While, here in the states, that would qualify as prostitution to even the most stalwart of New York politicians, so far, there haven’t been any objections from the Italian government. President of the Italian Republic Giorgio Napolitano has even stated that “although [he] wouldn’t dive in for the initial run, he would offer her $250,000 and a nice bottle of Chianti for sloppy seconds.”
“Well,
not just the holiday gifts,” Brad
said. “There’s lots of reasons to get married. Like, maybe I could marry a
nice, God-fearing woman and get into heaven on her frequent-flier miles, y’know?”
It felt like we were going 12 mph on a
crowded highway in Shreveport. Cars were zooming by either side of us, blowing
their horns and swerving to get around our five-passenger minivan.
I remember thinking, “Who is this jerk-off
driving this machine?” Wait a minute. It was me! Holy sh–t! Get it together.
Speed up. Keep it between the lines. We’re good; everything’s good. Just
breathe.
"It's
funny all the stuff Americans let slide," Brad said. "Like CEO pay,
or anything else we let the rich get away with. Mostly it's funny because, if
you asked Joe Six Pack, he'd probably say he hates rich people. But secretly,
every American believes he'll join them someday, so nobody wants to see them
suffer. Sure, paying a mediocre CEO millions a year just because he's managed
to ascend the corporate ladder to the level where he gets to join in the Board
of Directors Circle Jerk doesn't seem fair if you look at it, but if you
believe, however irrationally, that you might be that dude someday, you quit resenting him."
“Funny
thing is, I think I'm actually happier thinking that God is real, and that He
hates me, than I was when I was a proper atheist. Death scared me silly back
when I figured there was no God. I mean, petrified silly. Couldn't-sleep silly.
Thought-about-killing-myself-as-a-kid silly. I know, you wouldn't think fear of
death would make you suicidal, but it did, because the way I saw it, I was
going to die eventually. It didn't matter what I did. Everyone dies. And once I
died, it would all be pointless.
Endless nothingness. Like I'd never existed at all.
I’ve seen several
futuristic movies in my day: Demolition
Man, Minority Report, Fifth Element, Aliens, Total Recall, etc. But it
wasn’t until the other day that I saw a film that might actually resemble our
future. The movie’s called Idiocracy.
I give credit to our
executive and legislative branches of state government. I never thought “Off
the Wire’s” staff would have problems crafting satire – even our poorly written
attempt – in a city like this until faced with the lunacy over legislative pay
raises.
"Nah, man," Brad said. "I
mean, c'mon. You heard how it would go. That can't be good. And I'll bet they
don't give you your money back if you pull that sort of stunt, either. I know
my own limits. Plus, I know my own strengths. Most people, they might not
realize they've got any options when they get down to one. Or zero. But me, I'm
flexible that way, yo. I find options. So beginner skydiving classes probably
wouldn't work out for me."
Every summer in early June, potheads, acid
freaks, opium burners, XTC lovers, hippies, stoners, freaks, weirdos, social
outcasts, those with a cause, those without, and just plain old music lovers
from around the country flock to Manchester, Tennessee for one of the nation’s
largest music festivals, Bonnaroo.
