A “Year in Review” column in December?  Why so early? Well, for one thing, I’m sick and tired of Dave Barry stealing all of my ideas and using them in his yearly review articles that always come out the week before mine. So, Dave, if you’re reading this, GO AHEAD AND HACK INTO MY COMPUTER. YOU’RE TOO LATE!

I’m also dividing the 2007 Review into two parts, because covering an entire year involves an enormous amount of information, and most people don’t have the attention span necessary to read anything longer than the message in a fortune cookie. Today’s reader wants to be fed small, bite-sized bits of information. In fact, studies have shown that before the average American can finish reading and comprehending a paragraph as long as the one you are presently reading, they…

It was back in June when I was first approached, in the St. Paul-Minneapolis airport, to write a summary of the top stories of 2007. I may have misinterpreted the hand and foot signals, but I’m fairly certain it was a request by Larry, in the stall next to me, to start this review in December.

And what better place to start 2007 than in the middle…

The Summer of 2007: The Bad Boys of Summer

The summer of 2007 will always be remembered as a time when Republicans did their best to put “Sin” in the word “Senator.” Oh, it wasn’t so bad when Senator David Vitter (R-LA) was linked to prostitutes. After all, boys will be boys! But when Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested in a restroom sex sting, well, that’s a different kind of boy altogether! Which leads us to the coveted…

“Mental Vacation” Man of the Year Award

The 2007 “Mental Vacation” Man of the Year Award goes to Sgt. David Karsnia, the undercover vice cop who arrested Senator Craig in a Minneapolis-St. Paul airport restroom. Granted, it’s not easy sitting on a public toilet all day long, in your stinky stakeout, surrounded by laser-guided toilets – those “smart” toilets whose space-age lasers lock onto their intended targets (most of the time) and initiate a timely flush (usually). Waiting for someone’s creepy hand or foot to come slithering out from under the stall next to you is not as glamorous as, say, protecting the country from terrorists, but it’s equally important.

Although Karsnia declined to accept this prestigious award, or even be interviewed for this column, one undercover vice cop did consent to the following interview, on the condition that his identity not be revealed:

AW: What kind of training is required to stake out a men’s restroom?

          VICE COP: The most important requirement is to familiarize yourself with   the National Association of Gay Restroom Perverts Universal Code of Communication. There are many nuances, especially when it comes to foot-tapping signals. For instance: Tap-Tap-Tap followed by Tap-Tapis a blatant solicitation, while Tap-Tap followed by Tap-Tap-Tapis the international code for: “This stall is out of toilet paper. Would you mind passing me some, please?”

AW: What kind of hand signals are you looking for?

VC: That could be anything from a simple wave of the hand to the use of muppets.

AW: Muppets?

VC: Oh, yes, that’s quite common. If it’s Miss Piggy, it doesn’t bother me much, but when they use Kermit the Frog… Well, to me, that’s an affront to everything that is pure and decent in America… I’ve been known to lose my cool and flush a face down the toilet when that happens.

AW: In all your years on the vice squad, what was your most difficult case?

VC: I guess it was the time I worked the men’s room during a tap dancers’ convention. When one of those guys started tap dancing in the stall next to me…well, even with my trained ear, I couldn’t keep up with those taps.

The Bad Girls of Summer: Blonde Bimbos Booked into the Big House

Girls just want to have fun, and 2007 was no exception. It will long be remembered as the year that Nicole Richie, while driving under the influence of drugs, crashed her Mercedes-Benz into a tree. No, wait; that was Lindsay Lohan that crashed her Mercedes-Benz into a tree. Nicole Richie drove her car down the wrong side of a freeway. Or was that Paris Hilton?

Oh, what difference does it make! Suffice it to say that 2007 was a year when young starlets always took the “high road” whenever they got behind the wheel of a car. This was in spite of the leadership displayed by Britney Spears earlier in the year, when she shaved off all of her blonde hair, as if to say: “I’M TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A BLONDE BIMBO! I’M A BALD BIMBO!” But give Britney credit for making it through the year without getting arrested on any DUI charges. Thank God, she had enough sense to use a “designated driver” whenever she went for a drive with one of her children on her lap.

2007 saw America’s starlets checking into posh rehabs, then checking out of posh rehabs, then checking back into posh rehabs, then checking out of posh rehabs. We can only imagine what these young women were going through. All those facials and deep tissue massages must have been a living hell!

But the fat lady of justice finally sang, and both Nicole “Wrong Way” Richie and Lindsay “Tree” Lohan ended up pleading guilty to charges of DUI and driving with suspended American Express^® cards – both of which are misdemeanors under California law. They were both sentenced to stay in jail until their nails dried. However, under new, tough, California sentencing guidelines, should either of them be convicted of another DUI during their probation, they will be sentenced to even more posh rehabs, where they will be therapeutically massaged until dead.

Paris Hilton did not get off so lightly, as she was sentenced to 45 days in jail after being convicted of being a spoiled, rich brat. She was placed under “house arrest,” which, for Paris, meant she was confined to a Hilton hotel room. “No big deal,” thought Paris, until she came to the emotionally crippling realization that this was no ordinary Hilton hotel but was, in fact, a Hilton Limited – with no hot tub or room service.

Summer in the City of Baghdad: Ferris Al-Bueller’s Month Off

In July, the Parliament of war-torn Iraq took the month off. Ferris al-Bueller, speaker of Iraq’s Parliament, justified the vacation by announcing the enactment of historic legislation, designed to bring about national reconciliation among all of Iraq’s mullahs, sheiks, militias, tribes, family dynasties, sects, sub-sects, and splinter sects, whether they be Sunni, Shiite, Kurd, or just plain Iraqi.

Vice President Dick Cheney was suspicious of this news and met with the President to voice his concerns:

Cheney: Mr. President, I know what Ferris al-Bueller is saying, but our intelligence indicates that the Iraqi legislature is no closer to forming a coalition government in Iraq than they were four years ago. We also believe that the Shiites have no intention of relinquishing any power to any other group. I believe this to be nothing more than a farce, perpetrated by that goof-off, Ferris al-Bueller, as an excuse to take a month off from work.

Bush: It’s the same old problem, Dick, a lack of intelligence on the ground. Why don’t you go undercover and find out what really is going on over there?

So Dick assumed the identity of Hakim Kareem al-Cheney and followed the fun-loving Ferris al-Bueller as he partied through the streets of downtown Baghdad – dancing, singing, and peeking inside women’s veils. Cheney eventually dragged Ferris back to work and Parliament reconvened, its members returning to the day-to-day business of running the country, which primarily consists of receiving a government paycheck and avoiding being shot or blown up.

Meanwhile, in American politics…

Mitt Romney Wins Straw Poll

The presidential race heated up in August, when Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll. This surprised no one, as Romney spent ten times more money on straw than any other candidate.

Join us next month as we cover the North Dakota “Clap Your Hands if You Want Mitt Romney President” Town Meeting and the Ohio “Rock/Paper/Scissors” Caucus.