I would love to take this time to welcome you to December and the onset of the Christmas season, but I’m afraid I was preempted this year by Wal-Mart, who ushered in the holidays not the day after Thanksgiving but the day after Halloween this year.  I wandered into the local Wally World on November 1 to pick up a bag of dog food and swore I was having a stroke.  The Halloween candy wasn’t even cold on the counters, and I was hearing Kenny G’s “White Christmas” through the loudspeakers.

Christmas advertising started early this year, too, most notably with the jewelers.  I know the holidays are the big moneymaker, but holy crap, let me finish unwrapping all the good candy I hid from the trick-or-treaters before you ruin the spirit of Christmas with your obnoxious commercialism.  To add insult to injury, my mother has decided to put up a “decorative” Christmas tree this year instead of the thirty years of ornaments our family has collected, citing them as “tacky.”  I don’t blame her; I blame the demoness decorators on HGTV.

The mall has also put a spike through the heart of Christmas this year by censoring the symbol of Christmas himself, Santa Claus. (No way were you expecting Jesus, so don’t even try.)  He’s no longer allowed to say “Ho, Ho, Ho,” as it has been deemed offensive.  I only wish I was kidding.  This year, Fatty will be saying “Ha, Ha, Ha,” because some disgruntled mother hates her children THAT much.

So, in lieu of horoscopes this month, once again, you’re all getting homework.  Each sign gets a holiday action or saying that has been deemed offensive by someone somewhere.  I expect you all to use it until the end of the year.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Spend an inappropriate amount of time swearing to a child that Santa is real, and give him made-up facts to prove it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Put on demon horns and carry a bag of switches on your back to turn yourself into a Krampus, the Germanic companions of Santa who beat all the bad children.  Take the job far too seriously.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Tell everyone you know that Jesus was black.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Use mistletoe inappropriately with strangers.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Say “Merry Christmas” to everyone you meet with a big smile on your face and mean it.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Go into the woods and find a smallish yet vibrant conifer.  Cut it down and drag its corpse into your home.  Stand it up in the corner and allow your children to decorate it in all sorts of tacky and colorful ways.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If someone wishes you a “Happy Kwanzaa,” remind her that Kwanzaa is a holiday invented in 1966 by a Californian named Ron Everett because he felt Christmas was a white holiday and Jesus was psychotic.

CANCER(June 21-July 22): Nail your socks to your fireplace hearth.  Fill them with candy and small toys.  Don’t explain yourself.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Loudly sing a Christmas carol with the words “Santa Claus,” “Jesus,” “angel,” or “reindeer” in it…preferably in an elevator.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get your Jewish friends some really good gifts this year.  Wish them a “Happy Hanukkah.”  It’s okay; Jesus won’t get mad.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Put a ratty Santa hat on your head and wander around saying “Ho, Ho, Ho.”  Do this at the mall, right in front of the Santa picture booth.  Let people take photos of you with their dirty children for free.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Explain in detail to someone why Christmas should be in August instead of December, since there is no way shepherds would be out with their flocks on a winter night in the Middle East.