As someone who is a connoisseur of fine infomercials, I must say that the quality is definitely going downhill.  I remember a time when an infomercial was a full 30 minutes of product demonstrations with a phone number at the bottom.  Sadly, now it is about 10 minutes of demonstrations that always gets interrupted by 5-minute pitches with close-up shots of the product in action, with lame music and deep-voiced announcer guy telling you how to order.

Does anybody take pride in his or her work anymore?  I guess you don’t have to with people as gullible as they seem to be now.  With the overwhelming amount of information available at our fingertips, knowledge is taken for granted and stupidity reigns.

The prime example is an infomercial I watched the other day for a “Male Enhancement Product.”   FCC guidelines dictate that I cannot describe what the product actually does, but I will put it in the words of the “doctor” in the ad…you do have to cut through all the technical science jargon, but I encourage you all to follow along.  It “enhances” that “certain area of a man.” (WINK, WINK, NUDGE, NUDGE)

If that wasn’t bad enough, they did “Man on the Street” interviews.  They went up to 10 couples, and every man they met freely admitted using the product, into a big microphone that said SEX TALK on it.

Apparently, I am the only man on the planet that (A) isn’t a chiseled-up muscle man, (B) doesn’t have two girlfriends with gigantic, surgically enhanced breasts, and (C) doesn’t need “enhancing,” because if it was any bigger, I would have to get it a Social Security number.  OK, maybe “C” is a SLIGHT exaggeration.

The point is this:  No product sold exclusively on cable networks between 3:00am and 4:30am is going to do anything to improve your life on any level.  Furthermore, there isn’t a pill that is going to make it bigger.  It’s not going to happen.  If there were, every man would know about it and would be using it, and abusing it.

The world would end, because no man would ever go to work; he would just keep taking the pills, trying to make it bigger than the next guy’s.  It would be like crack, only a billion times worse.  It would be like crack addiction with a walrus in your pants, and eventually, even that wouldn’t be enough.  Women would be running for their lives like a crummy ‘80s horror movie.  It would be the downfall of civilization.

In other words, I can’t wait until they make one that actually works.

Also, I will be 30 on February 18.  It’s a Monday.  If you are still gift shopping, I like Crown Royal^® and cash.