Love.  You're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. What did they call it in Princess Bride? A dream within a dream.  A nightmare, more like.  Love is patient? Love is kind? Bah! Love is hurried.  Love is cruel.  Love stinks.  (Yeah, yeah.)

Why am I in such a tizzy this most wonderful of months?  This time when pink hearts and little cupid figures adorn far too many a place hereabouts? Where heart-shaped boxes are as ubiquitous as sale signs on the day after Thanksgiving? It's because Katherine Heigl refuses to be my Valentine.  Yeah, Ms. "I'm too good for you" will let Seth Rogen "knock her up," but apparently, your pal "Too Many Quotation Marks" Faux isn't "established" enough to "work with."

And when I asked if she wanted to reconsider over a cup of coffee in my basement, she just hung up on me.  What the hell?

Anyway, it's February, and it is the month of Valentine's Day, as well as Black History Month – which, I am led to believe, is purely a coincidence.  Since Valentine's Day is coming soon, and never mind that the initials VD are known better for something you can contract while participating in Valentine's Day events, people are getting ready.  Everyone, especially if you are a man in a committed relationship, should take note of the lessons that movies have taught us over the years.

If you buy a woman a diamond necklace, unless she's a whore (Pretty Woman), it won't help anything.  Think about all the times the rich guy tried to woo the lady fair with treats and baubles.  IF he wound up with her, which was less than 10% of the time, and never when there was a poor boy with a good heart around (see Caddyshack and any number of ‘80s college comedies), it wasn't because of the bling.  It was because he wound up saving the orphanage, or paying for her dad's operation, or pulling a puppy out of a burning building, or something equally selfless and noble.

So take it from me, don't waste money on one of those little red boxes with the black bow that you see on the billboards; donate to a charity in her name.  She'll love you for it.  Or if it's not love you're looking for, she'll really like you enough to let you get to third base, at least.

What else do movies tell us? You have to be good-looking.  Sorry, it's the way of the world.  Okay, just kidding. But if you're not good-looking, you have to have something going for you, like really good dialog…or money.  I mean, even if you wind up with the chick less than 10% of the time, just go out with 10 or more chicks.  You can afford it.  You're rich.

When all else fails: chocolate.  I'm not saying hire a black guy as a stand-in (though that mightwork; if you're looking for someone to try it out with, let me know). Women love chocolate.  Big women, small women, short women, tall women.  Women who climb on rocks.  Strong women, meek women, even women with chicken pox.  This is the biggest day of the year for most chocolatiers, and dark chocolate rules the world.  That's right.  So when she kicks you in the face for listening to me about the charity donation instead of jewelry, whip out a box of the cocoa demon, the food of the gods, the Devil's delight, the Brown Dragon, Baker's heroin…

Well, I'm off to see if Alyssa Milano will take me back.  Or, to put it accurately, take me.  I'll see you in 30! Or maybe 29.  Happy Leap Day!