As I complete my fourth year here at LSU, looking towards one more class-ridden year of forced learning, I start to contemplate my marketability in the post-college era of my life.  Looking deep into the inner chasm of my soul to find the talents and abilities that I possess and how they can be used to either better humanity or to exchange services for a paycheck, so I can continue my reign of terror upon my roommate, my girlfriend, and that lady that lives below me with the horse of a dog that whines all day, I can find only one place on this planet that would pay for the stuff that leaks out of my head and mouth each day – 156 Thomas Boyd Hall, here at LSU: Office of the Chancellor.

            Mr. Lombardi, I hereby submit my name into your proverbial hat to serve as the eighth chancellor of LSU.  You can save hundreds of dollars on ads in newspapers and online job sites by hiring me right now, as opposed to waiting years to find “the best person.”  Not only am I overqualified to run our flagship university, I can save the university untold money by enacting new changes.  If chosen, I will do the following:

• Stand outside daily on the Parade Grounds, telling those “damn dirty hippies” to go to class.  Those lazy bums that play hacky sack and Frisbee^® all day long are either in easy Poli Sci classes or just making our school look lazy, and they have it coming unless they go study or something.  I am certain that this will help raise the retention rate at LSU, knocking it into the first tier within a matter of months.
• To help with the fundraising efforts on campus, I will lead the charge for a “fund-raiding” effort, where we raid the Tiger Athletic Foundation.  I think those guys have millions of dollars hiding somewhere that they need to share.  I mean, my butt already hurts from the screwing they give ticket holders for the football games, and I’m still getting the cheap tickets as a student.  Sharing is caring, TAF!
• I will grow a bushy, white mustache, in the tradition of the past chancellor.  People then will recognize me on campus and can ask me questions about LSU, and I can dodge the answers and still look smart.  Sorority women love a good mustache…
• In an effort to boost our flagship university to the next level, I will make parking harder and harder to find.  I feel that, as we exercise our brains at LSU, so should we exercise our bodies by walking miles to our classes.  I will instruct the engineering department to devise a way for classes and parking to be uphill, so we can honestly tell our children that we walked uphill both ways to class.  Well, except for me; I require a nice SUV with the rare gate pass.
• I vow to climb up the west side of Tiger Stadium and paint “Welcome to Death Valley” on the side where it used to be.  Someone forgot to do that, and it’s been pissing me off for two years now.  Get on the stick, Skip!
• I will continue to make signs for the football games, making fun of the other teams, their states, and anything else I find amusing.  However, I will wave my signs from my box seats, so bring binoculars, minions – I mean, students!!
• In order to make our campus more appealing to in-state high school students, I will erect signs at all the entrances to our university, proclaiming that Kathleen Blanco did NOT attend LSU but ULL.  I am sure that this step alone will increase our in-state enrollment.
• I am sure that I need to do something about academic standards and how to make them better.  I propose to eliminate “general studies” degrees.  If you go to LSU, you go to learn things, not to hang out for four years and get a diploma in what I call attendance.  In my book, “general studies” is the G.E.D. of college.
• I promise to only take half of the money you have to pay me in exchange for good seats in Tiger Stadium when you fire me.  By the time you get tired of me and I grow weary of jumping through your hoops, half of a chancellor’s severance pay and tickets to Tiger Stadium should be about the same.

As you can see, Mr. Lombardi, I would make an excellent chancellor.  You and your merry board of supervisors can mold me to do your bidding, eliminating the need to fire me on a whim.  All I ask is half of what the previous chancellor was paid, the LSU Chancellor’s house, a cool SUV, box seats to all LSU events, the office, the parking spot and gate pass, use of the LSU jet, field passes for the football games, and one of those scholarships that student body president Cassie Alsfeld used last semester (after all, LSU ain’t exactly cheap these days).

I think we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. Or you could just go with someone more qualified, but still give me some free box seats next year.