What happened to you, VH1 and MTV? You used to play music videos so teenagers could sit around and get stoned in their parents’ basements to entertain themselves. Now I’m forced to watch ridiculous reality shows while I sit around and get stoned.

I think I’m addicted to some of these shows, especially VH1’s shows: Hogan Knows Best, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Rock of Love, Celebrity Rehab, Surreal Life,Celebrity Fit Club, Scott Baio is 45…and Single, etcetera. One of my favorites is I Love New York.

In case you didn’t know, Tiffany “New York” Pollard was made famous in the VH1 world after appearing in the show starring Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love. I Love New York is kind of like The Bachelor. New York is a single woman in search of her “true love.”

Unfortunately for New York, Flavor Flav eliminated her ugly, tramp ass two seasons in a row, after she made it to the final two. On the flip side, this dirty, nasty, stupid bitch was entertaining enough to get her own spin-off show.

Her partner in crime on I Love New York is her mother, “Sister Patterson.” Sister Patterson is the ugliest thing I have ever seen, and I’ve watched “Two Girls, One Cup” on YouTube. (Yeah, check that nasty sh–t out…literally, nasty sh–t.)

I’m not much of a Trekkie. In fact, I hate Star Trek. But I do know what a Klingon looks like. A Klingon is one of a species that works onboard the starship Enterprise. The best way to physically describe a Klingon is to say that plate tectonics took place on the creature’s face, causing miniature mountain ranges to form right down the middle of his stupid-looking mug. Well, that’s what Sister Patterson looks like. She also has a strong resemblance to Rodan, the mutant pterodactyl from the famous Godzilla movies.

Sister Patterson and New York are the two most repulsive characters in the reality TV world, but it’s no surprise to me, considering where New York came from. I don’t know who did the casting for Flavor of Love, but it looks like they just went around and found the cheapest hookers that they could find. They lined up the filthy, smutty derelicts and let a crackhead (Flav) fornicate with them at his discretion. Then Flav sent them on their way. That’s where New York comes from: the street corners of East Oakland. She’s a lewd, disgusting wildebeest amongst beasts.

Anyway, this just goes to show what reality television has come to. I don’t want to be misunderstood here. Hookers and crackheads are always entertaining, but only from a safe distance.

Speaking of crackheads, my new favorite show is Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew Pinsky’s claim to fame is his radio talk show, “Loveline.” Pinsky is the guy running the show/treatment of these D-Listers.

Apparently, Celebrity Rehab is the most watched cable television show on Thursday nights. The show is a collection of sub-celebrities, all addicted to certain drugs, who have signed up to get sober on a nationally televised reality show. The drug addictions are well mixed: anything from cocaine and opiate addicts to potheads.

The pothead on the show is Jaimee Foxworth, also known as Judy Winslow on the sitcom Family Matters. In her first session with Dr. Drew, she said that she’s been smoking for 10 years, and she smokes about an eighth of weed a day. Whoop-de-doo. That might be a $50-a-day habit. Try being addicted to cocaine or opiates.

“Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke.”

“I seen him.”

“Now that’s an addiction, man. You ever sucked some dick for marijuana?” — credit Bob Saget from the film Half Baked. He couldn’t have put it better.

As funny as that is, it’s also true. Sure, marijuana may technically be a drug. It depletes your drive and motivation and makes you lazy, but you can stop smoking pot without going to rehab. Is this bitch cashing in on a lame “addiction” or what?

Jeff Conaway – Kenickie from Grease – is my favorite. Before he checked into rehab, he allegedly took $1,000 worth of OxyContin^®, Xanax^®, cocaine, and alcohol. Now that’s an addiction. He was strolled into rehab in a wheelchair, more loaded than I’ve ever seen anyone in my life. His speech was more impaired than Bam Margera’s uncle, Don Vito. He literally said, “Hey, I’m gladnaijag thata you gah and know wha ta did aft wih and you know…” What?

The saddest thing about Conaway is that he smuggled drugs into rehab. Nurses found a rolled-up $20 bill filled with coke on Conaway’s person. His “girlfriend” also tries to sneak him drugs during her visits. She is definitely a huge enabler to his addiction. It seems to me that she is pulling the same scheme that Howard K. Stern pulled on Anna Nicole, only Jeff Conaway’s fortune is not nearly as big.

They also have a chick on there from American Idol. Wow, she fits right in with the young Hollywood generation – another teenage coke fiend.

It’s a really entertaining show, more entertaining than music videos. It sucks that VH1 (VIDEO Hits One) and MTV (MUSIC Television) have steered away from the music, because that is what I grew up with.

Remember Pop Up Video? Pop Up Video was a show that aired music videos, but during the videos, little pop-ups would appear and give you bits of trivial information about the bands and their music. I guess that was VH1’s final attempt to bring music videos back to the mainstream. It was an entertaining and informative show, but unfortunately, drugs and tits are more entertaining.

I’d much rather watch two guys go to fisticuffs over a Klingon prostitute than music videos, any day of the week. It’s just way more fun to watch.

“So bye, bye, Miss American Pie…”