All sports have rules that require enforcement by impartial arbiters. The BACS is no different. While baseball umpires wear blue and football officials wear stripes, BACS referees wear badges and carry guns.

One of our local BACS “zebras” apparently became a little too enthralled with the mystique and the glory that emanates from the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff’s Deputy Douglas Michael Thomas was arrested for DWI on the morning of New Year’s Day after reportedly crashing his police unit into a pole at the corner of Jones Creek and Tiger Bend Roads.

According to Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Casey Rayborn Hicks, another deputy, who responded to the crash at about 7:30am, “met with Thomas and smelled a strong odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage.” Hicks said Thomas performed “poorly” during a field sobriety test and was subsequently transported to Louisiana State Police Troop A, where he was given an intoxilyzer breath test. Thomas reportedly blew a .165 blood alcohol level, more than twice the state’s legal limit for intoxication.

Thomas was then booked into the Parish Prison on the charge of driving while intoxicated and placed on administrative leave, pending an internal investigation. That investigation had barely begun, though, when Thomas resigned from the Sheriff’s Office the next morning.

The 26-year-old had been a deputy only two years, but he was a member of the Sheriff’s Office elite “SCAT” team, which targets high-crime areas. We’re not sure why they call those guys SCAT. Maybe it’s because they deal with a lot of crap on a daily basis. Either that or they really enjoy improvisational jazz vocals.

Since the incident, many in the community have vilified Thomas. We at Red Shtick, however, are a little more compassionate about his plight. First, he was off-duty when the wreck happened, so technically, he was not drinking on the job. That has to count for something.

Of course, some like to make a big deal that he was driving drunk in his patrol car. Well, if you’re going to drive drunk, don’t you think it’s wise to do so in a vehicle that affords some protection from injury? As a cop, Thomas would not have been able to save enough dough to buy a used Hummer^®had he lived with his mom and eaten generic cat food for ten years. His police cruiser, on the other hand, was relatively sturdy and readily available for his use at no charge to him.

Unfortunately for him, the excitement of the BACS proved too much for Thomas to remain out of the fray. Like the football official in the Bud Light^® TV commercial, who laid a vicious hit on the quarterback after overhearing the defensive captain promise beer for the next guy who got a sack, Thomas got caught up in the excitement and went from being an impartial enforcer of the rules to an enthusiastic participant.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocatereports from December 24, 2007 – January 20, 2008.

10. Joseph L., 52, 1^st-offense DWI, obscenity, flight from an officer, resisting an officer, obstruction of a public passage, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

You think your job sucks? Try chasing a naked, 52-year-old drunk for a living.

9. James Adolph G. III, 26, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, and driving left-of-center.

If anyone deserves some slack on his drinking, it’s a dude whose folks named him Adolph. Who cares if it’s a family name? So if you see James Adolph driving down the street, Jew better get out of the way.

8. Grover P., 43, 2^nd-offense DWI, speeding, and suspended driver’s license.

According to his buddies Bert, Ernie, and Kermit, not only does Grover’s nose become enlarged and red when he drinks, but he also grows a shaggy coat of blue fur.

7. Cleveland S., 44, 1^st-offense DWI, hit and run, resisting an officer, open-container violation, driver’s license suspended or revoked, failure to maintain control, expired motor vehicle inspection sticker, and misuse of a temporary tag.

Holy crap! We actually have a guy named Cleveland following a guy named Grover?!? What, no Benjamin Henry H. to go between them? (If you didn’t get that, you should really read a history book or something.)

6. Katrina D., 27, 1^st-offense DWI, aggravated obstruction of a public highway, aggravated criminal damage to property, simple criminal damage to property, and resisting an officer.

Imagine that. A chick named Katrina  f–king sh-t up.

5. Audie W., 25, 3^rd-offense DWI, failure to stop or yield, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of marijuana.

Naughty Audie has an outie and drives an Audi. That’s not really true, but it sounds good.

4. Kelvin Terrell M., 39, 3^rd-offense DWI, refusal of Breathalyzer, possession of drug paraphernalia, failure to obey stop or yield sign, driver’s license suspended, and resisting an officer.

Apparently, Kelvin observed Martin Luther King Day by performing his own version of civil disobedience.

3. Leonard P., 49, 2^nd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, driving over median, open-container violation, and three counts of hit and run.

Wow, talk about making the most of an opportunity! Leonard’s multiple-hit-and-run feat is reminiscent of when Fred Flintstone bowled a strike so powerful that not only did he knock down the ten pins on his lane, but the resulting concussion also knocked down the pins on the adjacent lanes, thereby earning him three strikes on one roll. Wilma would be proud.

2. Tommi Dee M., 36, 5^th-offense DWI, careless operation of a motor vehicle, and suspended driver’s license.

It only seems fitting that Tommi Dee got her fifth DWI. Word is, she loves fifths!

1. Jeffrey H., 36, 6^th-offense DWI and failure to maintain control.

He may be a habitual drunk driver, but Jeffrey is still a champion for social justice. He showed his support for the Jena 6 by getting his sixth DWI. “We shall over…<hic>…come.”

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.