The Great Big Story

Baton Rouge publisher Rolfe McCollister has agreed to personally pay for a statewide “ethics orgy” planned for next month at the Old State Capitol.

McCollister said he would use his own funds to cover the costs of food, alcohol, prostitutes, sex toys, and horse tranquilizers that will be available at the bacchanalian meeting to discuss the Jindal administration’s ongoing efforts with ethics reform.

McCollister said that, by paying for the orgy, he would send a message to fellow Louisiana citizens that Governor Jindal’s administration is “serious about transparency in state government.”

St. Vincent Pirate Backs Jenkins for Congress

Former state lawmaker Woody Jenkins picked up a key endorsement in his bid for Congress last month from the St. Vincent de Paul pirate.

Jenkins, who hopes to replace Richard Baker, holds the most promise for Baton Rouge voters, the pirate said in a statement.

“I accept this endorsement with all due humility,” Jenkins said, and he called on all buccaneers, scallywags, rogues, and ne’er-do-wells to join his campaign.

“Arrrrgh,” the pirate said, before adding, “Matey!” He then returned to hoarding ye treasure again.

State Panel: Clausen was “Hottest” Candidate

University of Louisiana System President Sally Clausen was a lock for state commissioner of higher education because “she was the hottest candidate” considered, sources close to the search process confirmed in February.

Clausen, reportedly the only female candidate in the running, was chosen by the state Board of Regents in February. She will represent the state’s public universities and two-year colleges during her one-year reign, and she also wins a lucrative endorsement contract with L’Oreal cosmetics.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:

Linus, the Politically Astute Homosexual

¡Bravo, Julio!

I just wanna say Bravo for Julio. Brah-freakin’-vo, Julio.

You know which Julio I’m talking about – don’t pretend you don’t know. Julio Melara, Rolfe McCollister’s pet boy at the Business Report. He is such a dish – a fiery, successful, Latin man and super-fab dresser. Julio, I mean. Not Rolfe.

Oh my God, Rolfe is so Republican. He just oozes Republican. Whenever I see him, I’m like, “OK, ick. He’s Republican!” And he has all those facial moles. I just can’t get past that. Rolfe must need a week to shave around those things.

But here’s Julio, who is a treasure for Baton Rouge. He’s young and energetic. He’s a terrific role model for fellow Latinos and aspiring entrepreneurs. And nobody knows how to use skin- and hair-care products better. I absolutely defy you to tell me Julio doesn’t moisturize that fabulous bronze skin.

Well, other people have been ragging the poor guy, after he took his daughter to see Hannah Montana at the Superdome.

Now, some people say that’s a little funny-looking, after he was appointed to the Superdome board. Let them talk.

What ever happened to the “spoils of war”? You know, when the challenging king takes the new kingdom, then shags the queen on the throne. This is what it’s all about, folks.

You may not want to admit it, but Julio’s only mistake was watching a show that is, like, so 20 minutes ago.

I say, once again, Bravo.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

“Butch Ball” refers to the LSU men’s basketball team.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.