Now that another Black History Month is behind us, I would like to talk about something that is utterly destroying the fabric of African-American society in this nation. Something that, if left unchecked, will spark the downfall and self-implosion of countless black communities around the South.  It’s the “N” word.  I just pray that I am not too late to save your family from the ravages of the “N” word.

Every culture has one.  I believe the Asians have kept the word “Ninja” as their own, French claim “Ninny” as their special word, and even the Mexicans have reserved “No habla inglés” as a whole phrase that they utter with increased frequency.  And sadly, I don’t think I can even print the awful black “N” word that is used in the lyrics of so many rap songs.  But today, I bring forth the Anglo-American word that I say we should reclaim for ourselves and restrict others from using: NASCAR.

NASCAR, or National Association of Stock Car Racing, is that collection of sticker-encrusted cars that go fast, turn left, and repeat 500 more times.  They have been doing that for over half a century, slowly getting sleeker cars and newer sponsors.  Not just BFGoodrich^®, Lowe’s^®, Home Depot^®, U.S. Army^®, UPS™, and FedEx^®, but even Viagra^® is now a sponsor of a car.  And those are just the big stickers on them.  I think you get the smaller ones a lot cheaper, but who wants to sponsor Jeff Gordon (I think he’s a Yankee, too)?

But why have I claimed NASCAR as the Anglo word?  Simple.  We suck at all sports now, and we need to have one that we can dominate.  Hockey doesn’t count, because it’s like fighting while figure skating, and everyone knows that figure skating isn’t a true sport.  In the South.  From May to October.  And all the other sports now seem to be dominated by other races, even golf (thanks, Tiger Woods).  Driving in cars seems to be the only thing we are good at, and I think we can hold that status quo for a few more years.

So some things are going to have to change for those who are using our “N” word and living in our “N” culture, and change soon.  First off, unless you are white and redneck, you can’t live in trailer homes any more.  The formaldehyde fumes that are found there actually help us in the inbreeding process, and they impress upon our brains that driving in circles for hours in cars with no doors is actually something to watch on TV.  So clear out those trailer parks for those who need the fumes – especially the travel trailers: we need them at Talladega, Bristol, Daytona, Fontana, and the other tracks.  Without those trailers, the NASCAR way of life could be ruined.  Just look at what happened to Britney Spears when you got her away from a trailer park…

Secondly, those racing jackets need to come off.  I see all sorts of people in the mall and around town, wearing the racing sponsor jackets, who probably don’t know one single racetrack that hosts NASCAR.  Since I rarely have my Tupac jacket on, those of any other race can’t wear Dale Jarrett jackets.  It’s only fair.  It’s a cultural thing.  Wearing the #44 jacket for UPS doesn’t mean you actually have a job delivering packages, and you really aren’t fooling anyone.  Besides, wearing a NASCAR racing jacket should be like wearing a Saints jersey – you should be able to spew stats on the driver and team like you do for the Saints.  But if you must wear one of the jackets, please wear Jeff Gordon’s #24…someone has to support him.

So, to honor one another’s traditions and cultures, I vow not to speak the “N” words that offend so many, as long as others do not utter the NASCAR word in front of me.  Or, I could just be wrong again, blowing things way out of proportion, like with Rouzan and Pinnacle.  Oh well, back to my trailer so I can watch cars go in circles, over and over again.